ChelseaNH

The Rashomon Job

2010-08-28T19:14:00.006-04:00

Bar. Night. The bartender and a waitress are closing up, but Sophie, Eliot, Hardison and Parker are having a noisy argument. Parker stomps off and returns with Nate. He tells the bartender they'll close up, and gets the keys. So, what's the deal? Aren't they working on finding Moreau tonight? Sophie says something more important has come up. Nate reminds them that without Moreau, he's going back to jail forever. The team isn't impressed; he did just fine in jail last time. "Learned how to hypnotize people," Hardison reminds him. (He sure does carry a grudge.) This is the dagger of Aqu'Abi.

Sophie flicks on the TV, which is paused to display a gold, jewel-encrusted dagger in a museum case. She and Hardison provide a little background on the dagger and Sophie presses play. There's a news report (hey, it's the reporter from The Inside Job -- this is a little fluffy for someone with her track record, no?) about the dagger, on display in Boston five years after it was stolen from this same museum. (I keep wondering if the crew is ever going to mention the infamous Gardener Museum theft. Maybe safer not to go there.) Sophie, Eliot and Hardison all claim to be the one who stole it. They didn't realize they were all there until Sophie started bragging about one of her best cons ever. Eliot knows she's lying, but Hardison takes it as a given; that's what grifters do. Parker wonders if they're saying Sophie is lying about lying. (Those truth/lie logic puzzles always drive me bonkers.) Sophie proposes that Nate be the referee.

The Grifter's Tale: Sophie ran a long con for the entire four months of the exhibit with two (two!) identities. She was a duchess who donated items to the exhibit. On the last day of the exhibit, we see Duchess Sophie heading into the exhibit. Observer Nate asks Sophie where the art came from. Naturally, it's from her collection of stolen items. (Hmm, wouldn't that be a bit risky?) She makes a big entrance as some old guy announces her to the crowd, and then thanks her for her donations. He's Edgar Gladstone, financier and owner of the dagger. Has a crush on her. But then Coswell, the museum's head of security, shows up to talk to Gladstone. Sophie's trying to stay under his radar. She shoos Observer Nate out of the picture. Gladstone excuses himself from the duchess to talk to Coswell; he's lost three art items this year and wants to make sure everything is in order tonight.

This leaves Sophie free to carry out some business of her own. She snags a flute of champagne from a passing waiter, doses it with some kind of liquid, then hands it to a waitress with instructions to deliver it to Minister Bioko with her compliments. He's over by the refreshment table. Nate has heard of Bioko, from the Zimbabwean art ministry. Reputed blood diamond dealer and, most importantly for Sophie, allergic to shrimp.

Sophie starts heading toward the minister but collides with a man. He apologizes and introduces himself as Dr. Wes Abernathy (hmm, wasn't that the doctor from The Jailhouse Job? And isn't his accent rather twangy for a Bostonian?), a surgeon and fundraiser for the museum. He flirts with Sophie, who is inclined to flirt back. The lights dim briefly, and Minister Bioko starts choking. Sophie rushes over and picks up an hors d'oeuvre. Hey, there are shrimp in these; is he allergic? The minister gasps an agreement. Abernathy and Gladstone have both followed Sophie. She lifts a card from Gladstone's pocket as he watches Abernathy treat the minister. The doctor calls for a knife and one of the waitstaff hands him something. Sophie slips away and uses Gladstone's card to unlock a door. Meanwhile, Abernathy reassures his patient, "Death will not claim you tonight!" Sophie makes her escape as Abernathy urges Bioko to live. (Sophie on the con? Great actress. Sophie re-enacting the doctor? Bad actress.)

Sophie makes her way to a storage closet and retrieves a black bag. She explains to Observer Nate that Gladstone had around-the-clock access to the storage areas, which her other identity didn't. Nate unzips her and she shoos him away again. She emerges from the closet in a lab coat and attaches a staff badge. She makes her way to a large room and identifies herself to a security guard as Dr. Karen Ipcress from the restoration department. Is that still necessary after four months of bringing him coffee and donuts? She's really playing the nerd. The security guard wonders why she's working at night; she says she's helping with the close of the exhibit. They have to process all the items for return to their owners.

Coswell arrives and she jumps to attention. She wasn't expecting him so early. Well, the gallery is closed due to a medical emergency, so time to get cracking on that processing. He wants to talk to Dr. Ipcress. He mentions that he saw his "first duchess" upstairs and she -- looks -- "I'll be right back." He leaves. Sophie replaces the address and bar-coded shipping information for the dagger. (Duchess Barrington Highsworth lives on "Warren Road" in "Ellis County.") She leaves the room but almost runs into Coswell, coming back down the stairs with a shotgun. She hides around the corner as Coswell interrogates a guard. "We are not letting her slip through our fingers!" He leaves the room and runs into another guard, who hasn't seen Dr. Ipcress. Sophie scurries off.

Bar. Sophie awaits applause for her brilliant plan. Nate observes that she didn't steal the dagger, but Sophie says the museum stole the dagger for her. The dagger was scanned and packed in one of the crates with Sophie's items. It was shipped to London under guard from the museum. Perfect plan. Except -- Sophie opens her crate and flings about packing straw -- the dagger wasn't in the shipment. Eliot offers a mock gasp of surprise. Sophie insists that she get credit for stealing the dagger, even if she didn't keep it.

Eliot can explain. He pulls back his hair, holds a couple of shot glasses in front of his eyes and says, "Pardon me, ma'am. Did I get that on your dress?" Sophie refuses to believe it. We see her running into Dr. Abernathy again, only this time, it's Eliot. Nate observes that the dagger doesn't seem to be something he'd go for, but Eliot was doing a favor.

The Hitter's Tale: Storage room with boxes. Eliot (for some reason, he has a number 7 on the back of his shirt) is fighting with two guys. One is down and one is injured when the injured man's phone rings. Eliot answers and recognizes the caller as Guttman. He figured Eliot would be the one answering. Eliot wonders why Guttman's sending "second-rate thugs" to kill him. He looks at injured guy and says, "If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve." (Eliot Spencer, career counselor.) Guttman was disappointed not to receive the Sapphire Monkey. Eliot was disappointed to discover it was in North Korea. (I'm thinking this was the monkey that got Eliot thrown in a dungeon somewhere, as we saw in The Two-Horse Job.) So Guttman will let Eliot make him up to him. A client he moves "rare merchandise" for has requested a dagger, currently on display in Boston. If Eliot says no, Guttman will go back to hoping one of his thugs gets lucky. Eliot punches out the injured guy.

In the museum parking lot, Eliot jumps into the back seat of the real Dr. Abernathy, and demands his clothes and invitation. Cooperation will get him stuffed into the roomy trunk of his car. Failure to cooperate will make the madman in his back seat unhappy. Dr. Abernathy goes for cooperation.

Eliot and Observer Nate study the dagger in the exhibit hall. Nate asks what his angle is. Eliot will go for the dagger when it's shipped out once the exhibit ends. He needs to get downstairs. Eliot takes a flute of champagne from a waitress and runs into Sophie, who's now sporting a Cockney accent. She comes onto him.

Bar. Sophie interrupts. What is that? Eliot says it's her accent. Really? Well then, Sophie needs to amend her story. Now she runs into a beer-drinking Dr. Abernathy, who is considerably more colloquial in his speech and pulls out a corncob pipe. Eliot calls a halt. She had her turn already, now he gets to talk.

Back to Eliot's version. The "duchess" is quite a party girl. They both notice the lights dimming, and then the minister starts choking. Sophie, Eliot and Gladstone all rush over and Sophie grabs an hors d'oeuvre. "Cor blimey, guvnor, that there's loaded with sea roaches! That's British for shrimp. We have a different word for a lot of things. It's a bit stupid, innit?" The minister gasps out that he's allergic to shrimp and Sophie shoves Eliot forward, claiming he's a doctor. He asks a waitress for a corkscrew, with the blade out, and urges his patient to be calm. He tries to ask the duchess for something, but she's gone. The minister offers a small tin of pills and Eliot gives him one. He asks Gladstone if there's an office where he can take the patient and Gladstone offers the first-aid station. He leads Eliot and the minister to the door but can't find his card. Fortunately, Coswell opens the door from the other side. Gladstone suggests to Coswell that they close the exhibit as Eliot carries his patient through the door.

Eliot has the minister reclining on a exam bed. "You're a life saver," avows the minister and shakes his hand. "I'm in your debt. I am in your debt." Eliot shakes off his persistence and heads downstairs. He hears Coswell talking to Dr. Ipcress in the item processing room. Eliot hides around a corner until he leaves. A security guard comes down the hallway; Eliot tackles him and drags him into the closet. Coswell comes back downstairs with a long, black box and interrogates the processing room guard about Dr. Ipcress as Eliot -- now dressed as a security guard -- emerges from the closet. Coswell buttonholes him about Dr. Ipcress, too. Eliot runs off, purportedly to look for her. Now he's in the shipping room, wearing coveralls that say "Herb" and loading a crate for London on his truck. (Talk about clothes making the man -- that's three outfits so far tonight. Four if you count his own clothes.) In the van, Eliot pops open the crate and pulls out the case which holds the dagger.

Bar. Sophie is grumpy. Eliot's "smash-and-grab" ruined her perfect plan. "Whatever it takes to get the job done, babe," he gloats. Only Hardison points out that he didn't get the job done. Back in the van, Eliot opens the dagger's case to find a coffee mug that says "World's Greatest Grandpa." Parker wonders what happened with the guy Eliot owed. Turns out he had a lot of enemies and got picked up on a racketeering charge a few weeks later. Sophie wants to know what happened with the dagger and Hardison chuckles knowingly.

Parker runs a shell game with three cups and a balled-up bill. Sophie has the dagger first, but then Eliot has it -- or does he? She lifts his cup and the bill is missing. She lifts the next cup -- Sophie never had it. She slides the third cup around -- What about Hardison? She lifts the cup and there's no bill. Nate is skeptical; art theft isn't Hardison's thing. Normally, no. But the museum had just installed a Tanuki security system and Hardison wanted bragging rights. But he needed a trophy for proof.

The Hacker's Tale: Hardison strolls into the museum wearing a tux. He explains to Observer Nate that he hacked the museum's mail and snagged the invitation of "some random dignitary" -- one Minister Robert Bioko. Inside, he uses his phone to trigger an attack on the firewall by his home computer. Hardison flirts with an ever-growing crowed of ladies. Later, by the refreshment table, he spots the duchess dirty-dancing with Abernathy and snaps a picture with his phone. The lights dim and return. Hardison tells Observer Nate the power surge indicates the Tanuki resetting. Now his backdoor is set. Nate reminds him he still needs access. Hardison starts to collapse. Gladstone comes over and asks the "minister" if he's okay. The "minister" asks for a "first-aid room or back office" to lie down in. Sophie comes over, grabs an hors d'oeuvre and says -- in a Scottish accent -- "Och, there's shrimp in this!"

Bar. Sophie protests. What is it with Americans and accents? She apologizes for interrupting. "I sound like one of the dwarves in The Lord of the Rings, but please, continue."

So, Sophie says -- in a Scottish accent -- "Och, there's shrimp in this!" Then she practically yells at the minister, "You're allergic to shrimp." Hardison echoes the clue. Then Eliot grabs him and requests a knife from the waitstaff; someone hands over a big carving knife. "I'm gonna have to cut you, man," he informs his patient. Hardison takes a pill from a little tin and announces he can breathe now. Eliot wants to take him someplace quiet, with no witnesses.

Bar. Eliot realizes Hardison didn't take a pill. Nope, it was a breath mint. He was about to get his throat cut open, so he had to think of something. "That explains it," says Eliot.

In the first-aid station, Eliot has Hardison on the exam table. "Do you smell peppermint? I smell peppermint." Yes, he's sure. He flourishes the very large carving knife. "It's a pretty distinctive smell. I'm gonna go sharpen this knife. Maybe walk around the halls. In the dark. Don't leave." Hardison gives the crazy man a thumbs up. Once Eliot's gone, Hardison hops onto the office PC and hacks the shipping database. Observer Nate thinks he's going to change the shipping address, just like Sophie, but Hardison wants to keep the dagger in the museum. In the processing room, a guard scans the dagger and places it in a locker. Hardison will pick it up once they finish the inventory.

Sometime later, Hardison has acquired a security guard uniform. He approaches the secure storage room and has his phone start hacking the card scanner. Coswell spots him and asks what he's doing. Hardison claims to be patrolling. Coswell asks if he's seen Dr. Ipcress. Naturally, he hasn't. Coswell tells him that he lives for his job, and they're going to fix "this screw-up." Hardison is on board when the door to the secure storage room pops open. Fortunately, a guard stumbles out of a storage closet in his skivvies just at that moment. Coswell heads over to help him. Hardison takes the opportunity to lift his keys and shove Coswell and the guard into the closet, and lock it. Then he's in the secure storage room, finds the locker and unlocks it with Coswell's keys.

Bar. "I beat you. And I beat you, too. And nothing else matters," he gloats. Nate notices the phrasing. What was it that doesn't matter? That would be the storage locker being empty. Sophie and Eliot claim the last laugh, but Hardison insists that he still beat them. And they were nasty together, he remembers. Eliot says somebody got the dagger out of the museum. Nate reviews with Parker's shell game cups. None of them had the dagger. He then taps Parker's hand, which she opens to reveal the balled-up bill. She smiles at Nate. "Yeah." Everyone looks at her. "What? I'm a thief!"

The Thief's Tale: Parker, in her usual waitress mode, is walking Observer Nate through the gallery. Her gear is under the refreshment table, next to a ventilation shaft. (I've had a ten-pound cat in my ventilation shaft -- don't ask -- and let's just say anyone who plans a heist based on sneaking through the ventilation system is not going to be happy with the outcome.) She'll wait for a distraction, make her way downstairs and wait for an opportunity to present itself. She unloads a couple of flutes at the refreshment table. Hardison comes up and asks if the food is free. She walks off without answering. Hardison starts stuffing shrimp puffs in his pockets. Sophie accosts Parker, hands her a flute of champagne and says something almost entirely unintelligible. Parker grimaces in confusion.

Bar. Sophie seethes, "I hate you all."

Parker hands off the drink with a "Here ya go, free booze." She's looking at one of the exhibits when Coswell calls her over. Shouldn't she have drinks on her tray? And where's her name tag? Over on the table. Where's she's going now. The lights dim temporarily and she diagnoses the problem: "Someone just punched a hole in the security system."

Over at the refreshment table, Hardison collapses. Sophie sniffs an hors d'oeuvre and says something entirely unintelligible. "Yes, I'm allergic to shrimp," Hardison agrees. "Oh, you said shrimp," Parker realizes. Sophie tosses the offending shrimp puff over her shoulder and stalks off. Parker announces, "I think his throat's closing up! You're going to have to open his airway!" She hands the giant carving knife to Eliot while Hardison fends him off. All of a sudden, he can breathe again. Miracle! Parker dives under the refreshment table. She emerges in the storage closet, dropping her black bag of gear next to the other black bag on the floor (careless of her) but the door won't open. So Parker pulls out a diagram and works out Plan B. She grabs the other black bag of gear as she heads back into the ventilation shaft.

Plan B lands her under a table in the processing room, where Coswell is asking after Dr. Ipcress. He leaves, picking up and racking a shotgun, which knocks a coffee mug off the table. Parker catches it before it can break (so she won't be discovered by someone sweeping up the mess). The guard scans the dagger and places it in a locker. Parker looks up to see which locker and slips the coffee cup into the dagger's case. It gets packed and shipped.

Everyone leaves the processing room. Parker emerges from the table, picks the lock on the storage locker, retrieves the dagger and does a cute little dance of celebration. She exits as Hardison is stuffing Coswell into the closet.

Ventilation shaft. Parker finds the central up/down shaft. She opens up her black bag of gear for climbing equipment and finds Duchess Sophie's raspberry satin dress instead. Not nearly so useful for getting up to the roof. Looks like she'll have to do this without the rope. On the way up, she runs into Coswell crawling along another shaft. She punches him and he grabs at her. She falls and catches herself, but the dagger slips out of her waistband and falls down the shaft.

Bar. Parker is disgusted, but there it is. Sophie says she told them Coswell was smart. Maybe even smarter than Nate. Hardison still doesn't get it. Someone got out of the museum with the dagger that night. Sophie says one of them must have lied. Eliot and Hardison assume she did, that being what grifters do. And we're back to the squabbling that started us off. Only Parker notices Nate sitting quietly and realizes he has something to add. They've forgotten to ask one important question: who insured the dagger? That's right. He's just put some pieces together, but now he can tell them all what really happened.

The Mastermind's Tale: Duchess Sophie climbs the stairs to the exhibit. Behind her is Nate, talking to Coswell. Gladstone's had three items stolen in the last year and they're not going to pay out on the dagger if it gets stolen. Coswell offers to introduce him to Gladstone but Nate heads for the security office. This version of Coswell is not nearly so intimidating.

Sophie grabs a flute and doctors it, then accosts Parker to deliver it. Coswell tells Gladstone how pretty the duchess is, but Gladstone wants to talk business. Eliot grabs the champagne from Parker, sips it and spits it out (it tastes funny), nearly running into Sophie. He introduces himself as Dr. Abernathy. Meanwhile, Coswell summons Parker and nervously asks for a drink, even though he's on duty, but it's a special day and he needs some courage, so could she fetch him a drink, Miss -- uh, name tag? Parker heads for the refreshment table.

Everyone is gathered around Hardison, agreeing on the "allergic to shrimp" story. Eliot observes that he'll die if his throat closes and Parker offers him the carving knife. "I'm gonna have to cut ya," Eliot says. And we've got Dr. Ipcress in the storage closet, zipping up her black bag of other disguise, and then she's in the processing room when Coswell walks in. He's pleased to see her, but then she's always so diligent. Perhaps they could talk. He babbles -- there's a whole bunch of fancy people upstairs, including a duchess, and Dr. Ipcress is prettier. That doesn't seem to make an impression on her, so he runs out kicking himself and Sophie starts switching the address labels. Eliot tackles his guard. Parker can't open the storage closet door because Eliot is backed up against it, wrestling with the guard. So she grabs the wrong bag and heads bag into the ventilation shaft. "Dr. Ipcress" skedaddles.

Back up at the refreshment table, Nate asks Coswell if maybe food poisoning isn't an odd coincidence for the last night of the exhibit. Coswell says he'll check it out, then asks if Nate is married. Yes, he is. Coswell hands over a long black box and thinks they shouldn't go to waste. Nate finds a bunch of red roses inside.

Downstairs, Coswell finds Hardison unlocking the secure storage room (and utterly fails to recognize the victim of the medical emergency which closed the exhibit). Coswell asks him about Dr. Ipcress. He sadly says, "I screwed up. I let her get away." Then the door opens and the guard emerges from the closet and Hardison stuffs them in the closet. Coswell asks the guard if that black bag belongs to him (he grunts a denial -- no union card for this actor) and opens it up to find a big coil of black rope. Coswell is impressed with how well the custodians stock the supply closets. He crawls into the ventilation shaft to affect a rescue of the guard. Nate strolls the lower level of the museum and radios Coswell; a bunch of doors are unsecured. Coswell runs into Parker. Punch, grab, slip, dagger falls down the shaft. Nate hears the clattering and heads to investigate. The dagger falls out of the shaft, right into his hands.

Bar. The team is inclined to disbelieve. After all, the dagger was stolen. Nate agrees.

Upstairs. A disheveled Coswell has managed to escape the ventilation shafts. Gladstone announces that he's just informed the police that the dagger was stolen. Coswell apologizes for letting the thief escape. Gladstone complains about his loss as Nate waves the dagger around. Finally, he snaps it. Coswell wouldn't expect gold to break like that. Nate questions Gladstone's sense of loss. He's been selling the artifacts on the black market, then staging thefts of substitute fakes so he can claim the insurance. Double-dipping. Tsk. Gladstone will do anything not to be ruined. Well, he'll have to repay the previous settlements and IYS will take the dagger (which he hasn't sold yet) and the dealer. That's the guy Nate really wants to catch. Coswell observes that the dealer will run when he hears the dagger wasn't stolen. All right, the story of the theft will stand.

So nobody got the dagger. Sophie wonders if the ruse worked and Nate got the dealer. Flashback to Eliot's friend Guttman, explaining that a client for whom he moves "rare merchandise" wants the dagger retrieved. Nate was the one who had him arrested.

Hardison is disgusted that they all put in so much effort to no avail. Nate reminds them that it's easy to forget why they became a team. He resumes the paused news report. The dagger is now owned by the CEO of the oil company responsible for the big oil spill. The reporter asks him if it isn't tacky to be flaunting the company's profits while so many people are worried about losing their jobs as a result of the spill. The CEO believes that sharing art with "the little people" shows how much he and the company care.

Parker calls dibs. No, Sophie wants it. Hardison says, "Not if I get there first." They run off. Eliot looks at Nate, then nods and heads out to back them up. Nate watches them leave, then decides to join in. He turns out the lights and locks up.

Comments: Remember at the end of The Incredibles, after the big fight, there's this little boy on his trike in the driveway, and he goes absolutely bananas trying to convey just how awesome it was to witness that fight? I understand how he felt.

The best bits are the details and the way everything lines up. There are multiple layers of perception at play. First, there's the storyteller's perception of what happened, which is naturally influenced by the teller's perception of self. Then there's the information each teller has from previous stories, and both the conscious and unconscious reactions to that knowledge.

As for the "true" story: I'm inclined to believe that Eliot was handed a corkscrew rather than a carving knife, the one being more likely found at a museum refreshment table than the other. Also, Coswell couldn't have been quite as bumbling as Nate painted him -- the bit about how thoroughly the janitors stocked the supply closets? Nate wasn't there. But I believe he had a crush on Dr. Ipcress. And why didn't Sophie notice and exploit that crush? First, she was on her guard against Coswell. Second, I don't think she believes that Dr. Ipcress is attractive, with her messy hair and nasal voice. Sad but true.

The Underground Job

2010-08-19T16:52:00.002-04:00

West Virginia. Coal mine. The A shift comes out and the B shift heads in. Two guys (one in either direction) pause to chat about the 14th birthday party for B guy's son Cory. The boss drives up and nags them for chatting, so they move along. There's a rumble and a fireball shoots out of the mineshaft. The A shift runs to look for survivors. The boss tells his henchman, "Call my lawyer." So, yeah, he would be our villain this week.

Bar. Two years later, A Shift Guy is telling Nate and Eliot about the explosion. Twelve men died. Everyone knew the mine didn't have good ventilation but they couldn't do anything about it. Nate raises the possibility of another line of work, but Eliot says mining is the only work available. The miners just want some safety. Dan Blackwell, the owner, got a government check for safety improvements but it didn't go into the mines. Nate decides to find the money and redirect it to its proper purpose.

HQ. Hardison runs the briefing. Blackwell invested the money in the state's attorney general, one Debra Pierce, thanks to a Supreme Court decision lifting limits on corporate donations to political action committees. (When you declare corporations are people so you can hit them up for income tax, you endow them with the right to free speech.) Blackwell has gotten some 400 safety citations over the last couple of years, but he appealed them and Pierce put them all into legal limbo so he doesn't have to pay. Pierce will keep them from taking out Blackwell, so they'll have to get them both. Get them to move some PAC money around and they both go down. Nate and Sophie decide on the Skyway Shuffle. Hardison thinks they're making stuff up, but Sophie claims it's like the Fiddle Game. Parker likes that one. But she doesn't get to be the fiddle this time -- the mine will be the fiddle. They'll sell Blackwell a process to extract something of value from it.

Mine. The client brings "Eric" (at least Eliot's initial hasn't changed) down and calls Cory over to show him to Section C, which is quiet and unpopulated. He'll be doing "dust readings."

Mine office (trailer). Hardison and Sophie claim to be inspectors from the Mine Safety Coalition, here for a spot check. Blackwell has his henchman take them into the mine. Immediately after they leave, "Bob Gibson" (minus his horse-trading cowboy hat) enters and offers to buy Blackwell's mine. He's not interested in selling. Gibson tosses him a business card in case he changes his mind.

State capitol. (I believe it's Wheeling, but don't make me look it up.) Parker's up. She's wondering if maybe someone else couldn't handle this job. Nate tells her to relax and remember Sophie's advice. Flashback to Sophie explaining the principles of grifting to Parker. It's like romance. Unfortunately, Parker doesn't woo. So Sophie tries comparing it to something Parker does understand: casing a bank. Analyze the mark like a security system. Sophie gives Parker a notebook and some advice. She knows Parker will be fine.

Back at the capitol, Parker takes a moment to review her notes before Nate nags her into getting a move on. She heads into Pierce's office, where the AG is rehearsing an election speech. "Callie Beth Loughlin" flatters her way into a position as campaign consultant. It helps that "Callie Beth" is from a wealthy family and doesn't need a salary.

Mine. Cory, clearing resenting his gofer status, asks "Eric" how he got stuck with busywork. Eric says he's the new guy and Cory confesses to being the young guy. He's eighteen. (Feel free to disbelieve. Or do math. Or both.) Eric figures he's too young for the wife-and-kid thing, but Cory is supporting his mother and sister after his father's death in the explosion two years ago. Eric apologizes. Cory meanders off and Eric pulls out a small electronic device. Flashback to Hardison explaining the barriers to communication down in the mine; Eliot needs to plant little booster devices in the mine's intercom system. The technical briefing gets cut short when Eliot impatiently grabs the box of devices and figures out for himself that they're fragile. Hardison is disappointed in Eliot's attitude. Back in the mine, Eliot plants the device.

Elsewhere undergound, Sophie and Hardison are looking around when Eliot tells them (over the now-functioning comms) that Section C is prepped. Hardison asks the henchman to lead the way to Section C. Hardison uses something like a radar gun to check the walls. The henchman doesn't think it's a dust-reading kit; Hardison condescends to him and shows the reading to Sophie.

AG's office. "Callie Beth" has set up Facebook and Twitter accounts for the campaign, created a PAC for donations and raised $436 already. Pierce is impressed with her work habits. Flashback to Parker searching and bugging Pierce's office, and connecting to some ready-made pages. Pierce hands her coffee mug to Callie Beth, who makes a face behind her back. I don't think Parker is cut out for office work, really.

Mine office. Blackwell asks his henchman about fines, but there are no new ones today. The inspectors took some funny readings and looked pretty happy. Blackwell wonders about the timing of the inspectors and Gibson. The henchman recommended they go to Carver's for lunch.

Carver Cafe. Sophie enters and "Bob Gibson" asks if "they" bought the safety inspector bit. And look, there's Blackwell lurking in a booth, hearing everything. Gibson leaves and Blackwell approaches Sophie, who pretends to be disconcerted. She confesses to being Eloise Timson, an expert in mineral extraction. She has a lucrative business deal with Gibson, who owns a bunch of land adjacent to Blackwell's mine. Except that was mined out years ago. "Eloise" shows a report -- they're not after coal, but coltan, a mineral used in cell phones. It's mined in central Africa, which is a political and economic mess, so a domestic source would make American companies very happy. Using the process from Eloise's company, Gibson can extract the coltan that's in Blackwell's mine.

Blackwell plays defense and calls Pierce to bury Gibson's mineral rights application (helpfully planted by Parker), at least long enough to stall. Then he calls Eloise to tell her Gibson's out and offers to buy the process from her instead. But he'll need a demonstration tomorrow morning.

Morning. Hardison and Sophie wander into Section C with Blackwell in tow. Hardison "finds" a coltan deposit with a "sonar" gun. Blackwell scrapes the surface of the wall into a tube with liquid and shakes. Well, looks like coltan. Flashback to Cory and "Eric" tossing dust onto the mine walls. Cory gripes about the busywork, but Eric says it's real work, keeping the coal dust out of their lungs. Cory observes that the dust looks different. Over the comm, Hardison protests that he is not, in fact, capable of altering chemical properties, so limestone laced with coltan is gonna look different. Eric opines that the "lab geeks" must have come up with something new.

Hardison assays a few more areas and promises riches. Blackwell looks forward to it -- used to be mining was lucrative, but now with miners complaining about pay and safety, it's hard to make money. Nate checks Blackwell's assets and "Eloise" demands $600,000. Lump sum, no installments. By tomorrow, which is when Gibson is prepared to give them a check. Blackwell tells them to stop by a political fundraiser tomorrow to get the money. Nate tells Eliot to clear out but he wants to finish his shift. He heads over to chat with Cory. They overhear two guys talking about the scoop. Eliot tells Cory that he ought to aim for working with the machinery -- faster, safer, better money, better life for his family.

State capitol. "Callie Beth" shows Pierce her new, improved numbers. She's never seen such an improvement. "Really?" wonders Callie Beth. Hardison protests that he didn't know how high to go, just to make them high so Pierce would feel safe giving up the PAC money. Blackwell is waiting in Pierce's office, so Pierce sends Callie Beth off for a coffee refill. She balks at using the PAC money for the process; she needs to stay in office for Blackwell's mine to be of any use to him. Why not use the mine's money? Blackwell supposes he can use the payroll and bankrupt the mine. Pierce doesn't see a downside. Blackwell calls his henchman to send everyone home. Nate realizes he's going to blow up the mine. Oops. That wasn't the plan. So how do they recover? They'll convince Blackwell that Eloise is a thief.

Mine. Hardison, Eliot and Nate all stand next to the van. Nate will lure Blackwell down to the mine; he won't blow it up if he's in it. Eliot hands Hardison the device case and says he'll look for the bomb. Hardison will help. From a safe distance. But he gives Eliot a chest bump for morale. "Bob Gibson" calls Blackwell and tells him that they've been conned. He can prove it if Blackwell meets him at the mine. He hangs up. Blackwell calls his henchman and leaves a message not to plant the bomb just yet.

At the fundraiser, Sophie tells Parker that their job is to spook Pierce into moving the PAC money. What does Parker have on her? Parker goes through her notes. There's the sugar in the coffee, the mixed blue and black pens -- nice attention to detail. But Sophie is looking for something that a normal person might find weird. Parker reviews her notes again. There was a closed door meeting with Blackwell one afternoon, sounded like they were working out. Sophie asks Hardison for the audio from Pierce's office for that afternoon. Hardison plays it back. It takes him a second to realize what he's hearing and then the mere thought of geezer sex squicks him out. So, anyway, this would be something that Sophie can use.

Down in the mine, Eliot swaps out an oxygen meter. Hardison has hacked into the mine's monitor system to track heat and methane levels, but it's too old and clunky to be of much help. Eliot will keep searching, after making a chalk X on some supports.

"Eloise" approaches Pierce to thank her for kicking in her money. Or the PAC's money, whichever. "Danny" mentioned it last night, or possibly this morning. Pierce doesn't remember this being the plan. "Eloise" moves on. Pierce uses her phone to check the account and finds a transfer pending.

Mine. "Gibson" and Blackwell head into Section C, which Eliot declares clear. Gibson scrapes coltan off the surface of the wall, but then goes a little deeper and finds none. Blackwell realizes the mine was salted with coltan. Hardison finds something with his scan and tells Eliot, who spots Cory's lunchbox hanging on the wall. Hardison prompts him to get the bomb. Gibson gloats that Blackwell would have been scammed, but Blackwell just wants to get out. Unfortunately, there's a rumble and a collapse.

Nate rouses but his comm is offline. Hardison tells Eliot that he lost Nate. Sophie overhears and summons Parker. Pierce works her phone and tells "Callie Beth" to get new office keys.

Eliot finds Cory, who took the time to work on the machinery since everyone was gone. Eliot commends his opportunism, except for the being alone part, and hustles him out. Blackwell and "Gibson" snipe at each other. Pierce accosts Sophie and pretends to be upset that she's leaving. Sophie explains that the mine had an accident and Blackwell is trapped. Pierce isn't going to let them steal her money. She cancels the transfer and tells Sophie that the police are on their way to arrest her. "Callie Beth" comes up with a phone call for Pierce. She turns to shoo her off and when she turns back, Sophie is gone. Pierce calls her police sergeant and directs him to the mine.

Mine. Eliot and Cory encounter a pick-wielding henchman in the tunnels. Eliot collects a pick of his own and sends Cory away. Blackwell checks the oxygen meter; they only have about two hours. Eliot and the henchman duke it out. "Gibson" fiddles with an intercom and wonders if they can call for help. Blackwell says it doesn't work. "Gibson" asks about all the improvements he read about, and Blackwell confesses that he faked the paperwork. All the money went to the AG. Blackwell clobbers Gibson and he goes down.

Eliot finishes off the henchman and then "finds" Blackwell, who squeezes through the opening. He emerges to an arrest by the state troopers. Blackwell protests that he's the victim; Gibson planted the bomb and tried to steal his mine. The troopers pull a device from Blackwell's pocket -- it's the bomb. Flashback to Eliot finding and disarming the bomb (with a fake "boom!" for Hardison). Flashback to him planting the bomb on Blackwell as he squeezed past.

Blackwell wonders what caused the explosion. Flashback to Hardison with a box full of gadgets, including microdetonators and modified oxygen meters. He knew it was a mine, so he spent the weekend kitting up. Nate prepares to lure Blackwell to the mine. Flashback to Hardison telling Nate to stay to the right of X so the controlled blast won't get him. Blackwell gets loaded into the back of a police car with Pierce. The police heard everything. Flashback to Nate's comm coming back when he fiddles with the intercom; Hardison says he's tied Nate's comm to the intercoms. Flashback to Pierce and the state police hearing Blackwell's confession that he faked the paperwork on the improvements and paid off Pierce. Blackwell hopes she can get them out of this mess, but she's not inclined to save a cheater. As the police car pulls out, Pierce spots Parker. Flashback to Parker reminding her about the PAC she set up, so Pierce transfers her old PAC money into her new PAC.

Hardison congratulates Parker and she celebrates her success as a grifter. Nate reminds her that she doesn't get to keep the money. She stalks off to the van and Hardison follows. Parker pulls a pillow and blanket from a compartment and settles for a nap; stealing souls is hard work. Hardison reviews her notes and wonders if she's going to keep tabs on the team now. She drowsily wonders if he knows he touches his chin every 2.5 minutes.

Cory confronts Eliot to find out who they really are. Eliot admits they're friends of Troy (the client) who came to make the mine safer. So now they'll be leaving. But Cory has a bunch of good guys to look after him. They say goodbye. Troy arrives at the trailer and Nate tells him it's his office. The board made him the new mine supervisor. The federal safety money ought to help. Eliot asks him to look after Cory. Maybe put him on the scoop.

The B shift heads down into the mine.

Comments: Callie Beth is actually not a bad character assignment for Parker. Her intense drive makes her odd, but in a "normal" way. And it's always nice to see Sophie mentoring Parker. Over the past episodes, the rest of the team has looked stunned or perplexed when Parker chipped in at the briefings, but Sophie has looked proud of her.

Interesting that Hardison was much more toned down in his character this outing, but he was really more of a utility player this time out. It would be interesting to see Sophie (try to) coach Hardison sometime.

The Three Card Monte Job

2010-08-11T00:02:00.001-04:00

Boston. Junkyard-type of locale -- industrial and unpopulated. A bunch of Russian mobsters shove around a working stiff. An older guy with a flask thinks he's softened up now. The boss Russian tells him to take the phone and do what he's told, or they'll harm his children. Working Stiff promises to play along.

Bar. Working Stiff is explaining his predicament to Nate, Sophie and Hardison, who takes a closer look at the phone. He's supposed to do whatever they say and destroy the phone. Nate confirms that he's in the business of phone lines, but there's nothing that indicates what the Russians want. He can't go to the police because the Russians will know; he thinks they're watching. He has been to the bar before, and Nate isn't police, so this conversation is probably safe. Unless the Russians get an eyeful of Hardison messing with the phone. Working Stiff should answer the phone when the call comes; the team will know when it rings, so they'll be in touch. He leaves. Hardison found an incoming call to the phone -- the Russians were making sure Working Stiff would answer. He calls them back, and triangulates their position. The phone rings in a warehouse somewhere.

Warehouse somewhere. Eliot and Parker sneak up. Eliot wants to make sure that Hardison got the right place, and Hardison makes sure that Eliot knows that he is entirely capable of finding the right place. An alert signals a match on the bad guy who answered the phone. He and his crew had a bunch of cash, drugs and guns confiscated by the police just a month ago, so they need a fresh infusion of cash. And what has Eliot managed to do with his afternoon? (Parker is quietly amused by their byplay.)

Eliot leads and Parker follows as they enter an open bay in a warehouse. A guy with the tattoos of a Russian crime boss runs bills through a money-counting machine. Eliot remembers Russian mob guys who would blackmail people into committing crime or transporting money. The innocents would get arrested and wind up dead. Parker offers to taser the guy, but Nate calls her off. He and Sophie are tailing the Russians as they stroll through the city. Sophie volunteers that she hates criminals like these. Nate reminds her that she was a criminal, too, but she "stole art from rich people who could afford it." Nothing like these guys.

Parker searches the back of the SUV in the warehouse while Eliot keeps watch, except he comes over to prod her to hurry up. She's searched three times and found nothing, so he has her search some more. Russian Guy hears something and comes over. Fighting ensues. Parker tosses a crowbar at Eliot and it clocks him on the head. Russian Guy has a crowbar, too, so it's a fair fight now, but Eliot still snarls at Parker for throwing it at him. She wishes she had just tasered the guy when she had the chance.

Sophie is lobbying for a big, dramatic takedown of these guys when they stop in front of the bar. Nate figures they reversed the phone tap, and Sophie figures they're going to kill Hardison. Someone doesn't like the sound of that. Eliot clocks Russian Guy and he goes down. Hardison realizes that the front door is his only way out (you'd think they would have planned better than that, what with the whole building at their disposal) and needs to know if the Russians are coming in that way. Nate and Sophie head around back to find out. Sophie discovers that someone has been using the back room for planning a job. (You'd think Cora would have said something.) They head toward the front of the house and find the Russians talking to someone at the bar. False alarm, Hardison. Danger past, he realizes how silly it was to assume that anyone reversed one of his phone taps.

Back at the warehouse, Russian Guy surrenders. He still has the phone -- the same phone Working Stiff had -- so what more do they want? Eliot and Parker realize he's another blackmail victim. So he's not the boss. Nate knows -- he's about to meet the boss. He sends Sophie off and walks up to the bar. It's the older guy with the flask. "Hello, Dad."

Jimmy Ford sends the boss Russian away so he can converse with his boy. Nate knows he got out of jail recently, but wasn't on hand to pick him up. What's Jimmy doing with Russian bully boys? Turns out he took the fall for the Irish mob families, but someone else turned state's evidence and now the families are going down. They aren't in a position to take care of someone who did time for them, so he's getting nothing out of it. And here's Nate, who always thought he was smarter and better, who never did anything wrong, only now he's done time. Nate says if he knows that, then he knows Nate owns this town, so no action for him. Jimmy thinks Nate is trying to be him, but he's not ruthless enough. Flashback to Jimmy introducing Nate to three card monte. Nate couldn't figure it out then and he can't figure it out now. Jimmy will be done with the backroom by the weekend.

HQ. Nate prompts Hardison to start the briefing. The team isn't so sure about this, but Nate is. Hardison soft pedals Jimmy's bio, so Nate steps in. Jimmy was a bookie, graduated to loan shark, then became a fixer and a matchmaker for guys needing work and guys needing guys. So how does this tie in with the Russian blackmailers? They have a phone guy, and the guy at the warehouse ships industrial clothing and uniforms. There's a third red phone they haven't tracked down yet. Sophie summarizes that there's not enough intel to set up a con, so maybe they should sit this one out. Specifically, maybe Nate should sit this one out. Nate's looking forward to taking on dear old Dad. Working Stiff gets his call, so Nate heads out. The team tags along. (He's emotional but not (yet) taking insane risks, so they'll play along.)

Downtown Boston. The team climbs out of the van. Hardison and Eliot have police badges around their necks, like undercovers. Working Stiff's mission was to install a black box during one of his maintenance visits to the police precinct. The black box lets Jimmy control which alarms get through to the police and which don't. If the team interferes, the Russians will take it out on Working Stiff's family. So they'll help instead. Sophie breaks out the handcuffs and Parker peels off.

Precinct desk. Eliot and Hardison are detectives from another district bringing in a drunk-and-disorderly, one "Viola D'Agostino" of those D'Agostinos. They want to stash her away from the press. Parker handles some wiring and the desk sergeant's call goes to Nate. They chat and the sergeant sends them downstairs to the drunk tank. Hardison installs a spiffy black box while Eliot uncuffs Sophie. Something about being in cuffs in a police station is making her antsy. Hardison synchronizes the box with the remote that Nate has. The team makes their way back to the van -- only the van is not there and neither is Nate. (Hardison stresses about the fate of "Lucille 2.0".) Eliot realizes what he's doing.

Nate is explaining how he did Jimmy a favor but cutting out Working Stiff -- he was a liability who could have tipped off the police. Instead, Nate has a spiffy system with a remote. Jimmy thanks him for his contribution, but Nate's not giving up the remote. If they try to take it, he'll blow it remotely. This is what happens when they pull a job in his town. The Russian boss is ready to shoot Nate 'cause he's working with the cops. Nate uses the Jailbreak Job to establish his bona fides -- if he can take down a warden while in jail, imagine what he can do for these guys. Or to these guys. Jimmy likes the carrot-and-stick approach, so Nate is in. Great! What's the plan?

Jimmy shows a map, which Nate later reproduces for the team. There are three banks marked in red. Parker breaks down the security at each bank -- none of them very impressive. Everyone looks at her. "What do you guys do on your weekends?" But none of them are the target. The gang controls the alarms, so they get the police to think they're all being hit at the same time. That draws them all away from the real target. Which Nate doesn't know. Flashback to more three card monte, and pointless guessing by young Nate. Older Nate realizes that they have too many cards in play to identify the queen; they need more information. Eliot and Hardison will work on the third phone. Sophie and Parker will check out the equipment being stored in the backroom. Nate will get his father to trust him.

Diner. On the sidewalk outside, Jimmy IDs a guy who works for a security company. He has a binder with the schematics and codes for their real target. The Russians will beat him up, steal his wallet and briefcase, and they're good to go. Nate proposes getting what they want with the mark none the wiser. They're gonna do an impromptu pill scam. So they approach the guy in the parking lot (Boston tends to have parking garages -- it's a dense city) asking for change. Geezer Jimmy "accidentally" drops some pills. The mark knows how expensive those things can be, so he kindly helps Nate collect them all while Jimmy grabs the necessary page. Easy peasy.

Meanwhile, Sophie gets the background on our Russian boss. Parker lifts a waitress apron for Sophie for her Little Orphan Annie. Waitress Sophie goes into the backroom with a tray of empty glasses and the Russian boss shoos her out. She drops a glass, which gives her a chance to linger and a chance to swear in Russian. This attracts Russian boss. Oh, no, she's not Russian (and her Boston accent would agree), but her parents were and that's something her father used to say. She hopes it wasn't too horrible. He reassures her. She uses details of his background to build her family history and gets him to teach her a little Russian. Meanwhile, Parker slips in through the back door to check out the gear in the duffel bags.

Eliot and Hardison track the third red phone to a coffee cart in the park, apparently near the precinct because the desk sergeant is getting a drink and recognizes them. Eliot claims the precinct picked up a gun which is tied to one of their cases. The sergeant advises them to get it before shift change, because evidence is being shipped out to Holyoke in the morning. The coffee vendor has the red phone.

Russian boss is not happy that Jimmy didn't call them about the alarm guy, but Jimmy says it's handled. Russian boss draws on Nate (once again) to chase him off, so Nate spins and punches him. The Russian punches him back and he falls into Jimmy. The fight continues. Afterwards, Nate ices his forehead and shares a drink with the old man. Jimmy confesses he doubted Nate's intentions when he joined them -- Nate says he joined Jimmy. He wonders what Jimmy is doing with the Russian bullies. Jimmy says he's going for one last score, then he's retiring to Ireland. Nate wonders if Jimmy wishes Nate's mother was going with him. Jimmy says she never understood him. "But she loved me." And that's the most important thing. (Anybody else getting the sense that Jimmy is a raging narcissist?)

Morning. HQ. Nate comes downstairs to find Sophie waiting. She chides him about his late night, but he was bonding. This is D-Day, so time to figure out the target. Nate heads down to the backroom to learn the score, but it's been cleaned out. Then he realizes something and checks his pockets. Flashback to Nate falling back into Jimmy, who lifts the remote for the black box. Well, this is a revolting development.

Hardison arrives but Nate has nothing to tell him. On a street somewhere, blackmailed Russian Guy delivers boxes to the gang. Sophie retrieves a map from the alley, but Nate has seen it before. Eliot, arriving with Parker in tow, tells him not to take out his anger on Sophie. Parker's happy they've got the backroom back. Sophie figures they just get Hardison to tell them how many banks in the target radius have alarms from the company they got the code sheet for. Parker already knows, it's 23. Hardison isn't sure it's a bank; the gang had bar code scanners. Eliot wonders about Coffee Guy's role. We see him put pills in some cups as Hardison hypothesizes that he'll drug the police. The whole precinct? Flashback to the three card monte lesson.

Nate figures it out. The trick to three card monte is that the queen is never on the table. Where do the police keep the evidence? Flashback to the desk sergeant telling Eliot that the evidence will be transferred in the morning. The Russians are going to get their stuff back. Flashback to Hardison telling the team about their recent losses to the police.

Coffee stand. Three guys attached to the transport truck pick up coffee. From a sidewalk bench nearby, Jimmy uses the remote to send three silent alarms to the precinct. The desk sergeant rallies the troops to head out as backup.

Transport truck. The driver yawns and drinks his coffee. (I never believe those coffee cups are anything but empty. People wave them around too easily or something.) A guy in uniform steps in front of him and he stops. It's Russian boss; the gang converges on the truck. Jimmy wanders into the precinct with paperwork on a clipboard (number one con prop right there). "Evidence transfer." The desk sergeant, busy with his emergency, waves him through. Jimmy meets the transport truck at the loading dock. One Russian stays behind to watch the sleeping guards; the rest head inside.

The team arrives at the precinct again, emergency plan outlined. Eliot wants to know why they don't just tip off the police, but Nate is worried about shooting. Down at the property room, the clerk gets the paperwork from Jimmy and then a whack on the head from a Russian. Jimmy unlocks the cage and warns the Russians they have a time limit. They sync up their bar code scanners to the evidence database and get to searching. Jimmy has something else to do.

Desk sergeant. "Viola D'Agostino" returns with her attorney, Jimmy Papadokolous, in tow, ready to sue. They need to see the precinct legal counsel. The harrassed desk sergeant sends them down the hall to wait for escort. Jimmy ventures upstairs and finds the Organized Crime Division. He cracks their safe and gets the notebook of payoffs that's the basis for the case against the three Irish mob families. Nate's there, with a gun. (Show of hands -- anyone think Nate is actually going to shoot his father?) Nate knows Jimmy is all about respect, not money. With the original ledger gone, the case disintegrates and the three families all owe Jimmy Ford. Jimmy proposes are partnership. Nate says it's too late; his team is taking down the Russians. Jimmy won't do time again, so Nate offers to shoot him. Jimmy says he could do it, but Nate is too much his mother's son. Nate lets him go. Jimmy blows him a kiss at the door.

Transport truck. Eliot knocks on the door and calls in Russian. The guard opens up and Eliot takes him out. Inside the property room, the bar code scanners are finding household goods. The Russians check their countdown clock and find just under two minutes left. Hardison is lurking amongst the shelves. (Does he need to get that close? With all the rushing around, he doesn't have good cover and he could probably hack them just as easily from outside the cage.)

Nate is moping in the OCD office when Parker opens a set of doors above the safe. (What on earth are those doing there?) They agree that Nate had to let Jimmy go, and she tosses down a rope so he can climb up. (Why he can't just walk out the door, I don't know. It's not like Sophie has to rappel out of the building.)

Evidence cage. The door looks. Russian boss can't believe it; the counter shows they still have time. But when it counts down to a minute, it resets to show two minutes. They're locked in with alarms going off. Hardison gloats from the property room doorway and departs. Police arrive and arrest the neatly boxed up Russians.

Boston street. Jimmy calls the three families, but he's not finding the reception he expected. In fact, he's nearly the victim of a drive-by shooting, except he has a handy pillar to hide behind. (The shooter has bright red hair.) Jimmy gets a call from Nate.

Docks. Meeting. Nate called all the families before Jimmy did. Flashback to Nate (at HQ, so before the heist) telling a family member that Jimmy wants money to destroy the ledger or he'll give it back to the police. So now Jimmy is a blackmailing SOB with a price on his head. Jimmy wonders if Nate wants him killed. Nate has an alternative: that boat there has a berth for Jimmy Logue (Mrs. Ford's maiden name); it will put into Galway in a couple of weeks. (Ireland is perhaps not the best place to hide from the Irish mob.) Jimmy is impressed that Nate could betray his own father; maybe Nate is better than him. (Don't push it.) He's proud of his boy. Jimmy heads aboard. Nate turns to leave and finds the team there. Sophie is surprised at how kind Nate was. Parker wonders if Nate will be nice now, but Hardison warns her not to expect any changes.

Comments: So where's the ledger now? Jimmy didn't have it when he headed out. Losing the original ledger probably won't tank the case against the families entirely. The police can use the transactions in the ledger as leads and develop additional evidence. At least the families will have to abandon some operations and come up with new methods of doing business that won't be under scrutiny.

I'm not convinced Jimmy is actually proud of Nate; he's just saying that to con Nate into thinking he's won. He's just doesn't connect at a basic, human level.

The Boost Job

2010-08-05T23:02:00.002-04:00

We join a high-speed chase in what purports to be Route 3 in Nashua, although Route 3 is not that wide, our exit numbers are not that high and our state police cars are not white. The license plates look right -- although unfortunately (as it turns out) the "stolen" truck also seems to have NH plates. Anyhow, the truck pulls over and the police converge on the driver, an ordinary-looking guy who claims he didn't steal the truck. The police fail to take his word for it, and arrest him.

Bar. Nate meets with the non-thief. He explains that he just panicked. He bought the truck used from Penzer, for his landscaping business. It supplements his Massachusetts teacher's salary, which he's not getting because he was suspended while the felony charges are being resolved. He was on a job in Nashua when a light came on, so he took it to a mechanic. The VIN number came up as suspicious, he left, and the rest is history. Now, no truck and no job, but he still has a loan to pay off.

HQ. Nate explains the scam -- thieves steal a car in one state, find a similar car in another state and use its VIN to register the stolen car in their own state. Each state has its own registry, so there's no cross-checking. The car was sold by Duke Penzer, a moderately successful race car driver (still keeping up those skills on the weekends) with a used car dealership in Peyton, MA. Their prices are really low. Sophie wonders where he's getting his cars. Parker figures he's working with a ring of car thieves. If he gets caught with a stolen car, he just claims it was sold by someone who has since left town. The team is not used to having Parker explain things, but it turns out she was a car thief for a while. Hardison has found a competing lot down the street; they're being driven out of business by Penzer after decades in the community.

Art's Auto Sales. A "representative" of the American Auto Dealers Association tells Art and wife Joy they're getting a lifetime achievement award, which comes with a 10 day vacation in Hawaii. They've already laid off their staff, so closing down saves them money. And away they go.

Race track. (Probably not the track at Loudon, which is a feature on the NASCAR circuit.) Penzer pulls up to a minion after finishing a lap. It wasn't perfect, but he beat his previous time, so it's a track record. Except someone just beat his record. By 15 seconds. "That's impossible!" he protests, and Hardison dials it back to 1.5 seconds. (Did they bug Penzer or his minion?) The new record holder pulls up in Eliot's red muscle car from the Gone Fishin' Job, only now Nate is driving. And whooping like a Duke boy outrunning Boss Hogg. (Perhaps he got whooping lessons from Evil Bo Duke Kirkwood.) He sets about yanking Penzer's chain. Sophie shows up, bored and fabulous in skin-tight black. "A.J. Lucas" challenges Penzer to a race for pink slips, and he pimps out his girlfriend, which would be grosser if the girlfriend looked like she had any intention of playing along. Penzer takes the bait.

Parker, Eliot and Hardison get the car in shape. Parker (wearing coveralls embroidered with the name "Cliff") has found out that a guy named Lefty runs the local car theft ring, so she'll be making contact once they're done at the track. Hardison has installed a kickier version of nitrous oxide; Eliot warns it will melt the manifold, so don't use it too soon. Hardison has also installed an EMP cannon on the rear of the car, where it won't interfere with any vital systems. The pulse from the cannon will knock out Penzer's electronics and he'll think he stalled. Nate has to get in front of Penzer so Hardison can trigger it.

Race. They're even out of the gate, but Penzer takes the lead on the turn and Nate can't get around him. Finally he triggers the nitrous mixture and takes it inside on a turn. He lines up in front of Penzer and Hardison triggers the pulse; Penzer's beloved Veronica craps out. Nate gloats and then drives off (melted manifold and all).

Penzer Autos. Penzer arrives to find the sales staff watching basketball. But it's Saturday -- where are all the customers? Turns out they're down the street at Art's, which has new management. Minion stopped by to check them out and they're raffling off Veronica. Minion has a ticket.

Art's. Penzer and Minion arrive to check out the revitalized competition. In addition to the low, low prices, he has an "unstoppable" salesman in the form of Sophie. She approaches Mr. Carey, who has been stopping by Penzer's to look (just look) on a weekly basis. She immediately notices his weight loss and compliments his self-discipline. In no time, she's seducing him (in the most salesmanlike way) into a new car. Penzer's lost a customer. "A.J." comes out to taunt Penzer some more. Penzer wants to buy Veronica back; "A.J." is prepared to overcharge him for the privilege. "Skeeter" (Eliot) interrupts to ask A.J. to take a call from "our foreign friends." Skeeter says "uno momento" and passes the phone over. Sophie comes over looking for approval for her contract and A.J. patronizes her, punctuating it with a slap on the ass. Penzer has an idea for revenge and heads out. Sophie extracts an apology for the slap from Nate.

Parker drives Hardison to a chop shop in a stolen car. She explains that rings are territorial, so Lefty "owns" this car. That will get them an introduction. They get out and manage to get the attention of the mechanic, who's surprised to see them with this car. He heads off to find someone. Hardison asks how she got into car theft. She was in foster care, around twelve, and met an older kid named Kelly who taught her the ropes. But then he ditched her on a job when the cops showed up. She spent six months in juvie and never saw him again. (Presumably this was shortly before she met Archie.)

The mechanic emerges from a doorway with Lefty and shows him the new guys. Hardison asks how this will play out. Parker says he'll try to run them off, so they have to prove their usefulness. "It's not gonna be easy. And they might shoot you a little."

Art's. "Katie" the closer is getting off work. Penzer's waiting outside to compliment her, and invites her for a drink. She knows he's trying to sell her something. Sure, but isn't she curious about what he's selling?

Mechanic. Lefty and some crew come over. "Danielle" and "Major" want to join up. Lefty doesn't have any vacancies. Danielle wonders if anyone can steal a car with "a laser-cut, rolling-code transponder key" in two minutes. They get a chance to prove themselves. The crew waits behind a gate while Danielle and Major enter a lot and pick a car. Hardison prompts Parker to "do her thing" but she's clueless. She's counting on him to hack it with his phone. And he's down to a minute 30 seconds now. Hardison works the patented Chris Tucker bug-eyed face of panic. Parker gets him working the problem. He can't crack the rolling code, but he can spoof the receiver. And voila! He pops the trunk. Second try unlocks the door. Parker gets in and works the backup startup sequence. Fortunately, that hasn't changed since the last time she stole this kind of car, so it starts. Lefty allows as they might be useful. He summons Shorty (a teenaged girl) to watch them on the way back to the chop shop. This is not a development Parker and Hardison expected.

Penzer has brought "Katie" to his office for a drink, and offers her a job at twice her salary. Unlike A.J., he appreciates her abilities; he'll make her manager at Art's once A.J. is out. But she has to tell him how A.J. can afford such low prices. She talks about "alternative suppliers" with "minimal overhead" and Penzer figures out A.J. sells stolen cars.

Eliot, masquerading as a concerned citizen, calls the police to report some Spanish-speaking gangbanger-looking guys loitering in the area of Penzer's lot. He then pulls out a bat and heads for Penzer's inventory.

Chop shop. Shorty has climbed out, so Parker tells Hardison to expect a small operation. So naturally they find a bunch of guys at work on a bunch of cars. Shorty scans their car for alarm tracking systems but doesn't find a signal.

Penzer Autos. Car alarms go off. Penzer and "Katie" discover a lot of smashed up vehicles. Katie offers to phone the police but Penzer doesn't want anyone snooping around. Katie "realizes" he's running the same scam as A.J. -- selling stolen merchandise. Penzer calls Lefty. Shorty handles the tour of the operation. They've got a chop shop for parts, VIN cloning and even ID theft (off license and registration documents from the glove boxes). Shorty has a major hero worship for the new crew members. She gets Hardison to show her the phone thing.

Parker suggests to Nate that they just call the cops on the operation but he's not changing the plan. A crew like this will disappear before the police arrive, plus it won't bring down Penzer. Nate asks Sophie for Penzer's deductive progress. Lefty tells Penzer about an alert they heard on the police scanner about Spanish-speaking gangbangers. Flashback to "Skeeter" interrupting A.J. to take a call from "our foreign friends." Lefty figures the only group big enough to supply A.J. are the Salvadorans, who were down in Florida. Except now they appear to be in Peyton. Penzer figures they might not be happy with A.J. if he loses a shipment. He talks Katie into switching sides. He'll show her his operation tomorrow morning, if she gives him A.J.'s next shipment. She gives -- tomorrow morning at the docks.

Chop shop. Shorty is practicing with the slim jim to unlock a car door. It's clear that the rest of the crew doesn't consider her someone who could actually boost a car; her job function runs more toward ordering pizza. Parker helps her concentrate by covering her ears, and she does it. The peanut gallery pipes down. Parker gives her a pep talk. Lefty announces that they have a big job in the morning, so everyone should be there. Including Shorty. Hardison tells Nate, "The hook is set." He sends them out to get bait. Parker and Hardison respond by stealing a bunch of cars from a country club. Eliot helps load them onto a transporter and drives off.

Chop shop. Night. Shorty is practicing when Parker warns her off the morning boost. The crew will be going down. And she should know that the crew isn't her family, so they don't really care about her. Shorty has a lot to process.

Later, Lefty has summoned Penzer to hear Shorty's tip about the new guys. Penzer realizes they're setting him up in cahoots with "A.J." and decides to turn the tables. Pack up the shop, then get to the docks early to steal the cars and take them to Penzer's lot. As for the new guys, kill 'em. Shorty's not down with that, but Penzer suggests she toughen up. Shorty has a lot more to process.

HQ. Morning. Running down the plan. Lefty called to push the job back by half an hour, which Nate figures gives Eliot more time to unload. Sophie will get Penzer to the chop shop, where the cops will catch them with the stolen cars.

Docks. Eliot (who wasn't at the meeting) drives up with the cars and is met by guys with guns. They demand the keys to the cars. He throws them into the air, knocks a couple down and runs off. They shoot a lot, to no avail. Eliot runs into a car, rolls over the hood and splashes into the water off the dock. (If the car had hit him, instead of him hitting the car, he would have been thrown forward, but he went sideways off the car.) Lefty reports progress to Penzer. He'll bring the cars while the rest of the crew handles the new guys. Penzer has something for Lefty to handle -- Katie is sitting in his office.

"Danielle" and "Major" arrive at the docks but the people and the cars are missing. Hardison can't raise Eliot on the coms. Four guys with guns approach and Parker yells, "GO!" She and Hardison run and hide while the shooting starts. This attracts Nate's attention. He can't raise Eliot either. He warns Sophie to skip but Penzer pulls a gun on her when she tries to excuse herself. Nate promises to rescue her, but he needs help from Parker and Hardison. They aren't feeling particularly helpful at the moment. Penzer gets a call and steps out of his office, leaving "Katie" alone. Parker and Hardison continue to get shot at. The four guys corner them. Sophie starts to sneak out and meets Nate, but Penzer shows up with his gun and they all wait for Lefty. Back at the docks, the guys with guns back Parker and Hardison up to the water, and wonder what they find so amusing about their situation. They're just waiting for Eliot, who comes up behind the bad guys. Hardison and Parker assist and the bad guys are dispatched. Shorty drives up just as they're casting around for a car that hasn't been shot up. Hardison lets Nate know the cavalry is on the way.

Penzer Autos. Lefty arrives with the cars. Penzer wants him to take Nate and Sophie but keep them quiet; he doesn't want any cops snooping around the stolen cars.

Cavalry car. Parker, behind the wheel, chews out Shorty for tipping off the bad guys. Hardison and Eliot are not happy to hear that Parker tipped off Shorty, and shouting ensues. Shorty is confused: "Who are you people?" "WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!" yells Parker. She is perhaps a little stressed at the moment, trying to concentrate on her driving.

Leaving Penzer Autos, Nate prompts Sophie to stall, so she knees him in the groin and chews him out for getting her into this mess. The cavalry car is still en route. Eliot asks Parker where she learned to drive, and she explains that she was a getaway driver before she turned car thief. Hardison connects some dots: "Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve." Flashback to mini-Parker driving a perplexed thief with police in pursuit.

Back at Penzer Autos, Penzer yells for "Katie" and "A.J." to shut up. Which they do, but only because all the alarms on the newly-arrived stolen cars go off. Penzer has Lefty escort the prisoners inside and uses the keys to turn off the alarms. (The cars are stolen, so where did the keys come from?) The police arrive. Penzer pretends everything is fine. He just took delivery of these cars this morning. Anything wrong? Yes. They're getting tons of signals from alarm systems; these cars are all stolen. Flashback to Lefty saying they scanned all the cars. Flashback to Eliot using the pulse cannon to silence the cars' alarm systems. Penzer tells the police he just took delivery of the cars, so the guy they need to talk to is inside. He's obviously planning to hand them Nate as the source, but there's no Nate, or Sophie, just an unconscious Lefty. Flashback to the cavalry car arriving at the side door. Eliot jumps out and goes inside. "What's up, man?" Smack. Thud. Nate, Sophie and Eliot run out the door and everyone drives off in the cavalry car.

Penzer starts yelling as he's placed under arrest. The detective suggests he calm down; it will make things easier on everyone. Down the street at Art's, Shorty wonders at the speedy response time by the police. Parker explains that the cars' owners were "highly motivated." Flashback to Hardison and Parker stealing cars at the country club. Which is hosting a golf tournament. For the Massachusetts Police Union. Hardison wonders why Eliot didn't warn them about the guys with the guns.Well, there was the pulse cannon that took out the earbud (Hardison warned him to take it out first) and then there was the water. Hardison is willing to work on the waterproofing. Nate grumps about getting kneed and Sophie returns his excuse of "selling the bit." She asks him to go easy on Parker; she tried to do the right thing, which means she's thinking about what the right thing is. Nate summons Parker but declines to chew her out.

Bar. Nate tells the client that all charges have been dropped. And here's Penzer's race car, worth $150,000. He's should put it into the business, maybe hire some help. Parker offers Shorty as an employee. The civilians leave. Nate and Parker agree that Shorty's a good kid who just needs to spend time with the right people. The team settles down to dinner. Hardison demands recognition of his contribution to the fight at the docks, and Parker admits that he hit the little guy. Nate thanks Eliot for the car. Eliot says he can use it whenever he wants, but Nate says the shoe is on the other foot: Hardison changed the pink slip. Eliot's not having it.

Comments: Bill Engvall makes a fun villain.

You'd think sharing VIN numbers among states would be a simple matter, but getting dozens of independent organizations to standardize on a single set of data definitions is one of the most annoying tasks known to mankind. Especially if state legislatures are involved.

The Gone Fishin' Job

2010-07-28T23:45:00.001-04:00

Night. Suburbia. Mother and daughter at a kitchen table. The girl runs through the steps of the scientific method; she asks her mother what the last step is and her mother just tells her. [She's not going to retain anything that way! At least ask her to guess.] So there's a knock on the door. It's a man with an unfortunate ferret face. He claims to be from the IRS. Her repayment plan has been suspended and the full payment is due now. They can put a lien on the house. She can give him a credit card or he can come back with the sheriff and lock her out of the house. Tonight. [If they haven't put a lien on the house, they can't kick her out, and it's too late to put lien on the house if it's night.] But she can't read a bluff, so she hands over a credit card. He puts it in his coat pocket.

Bar. Client meeting. The woman says that the IRS never got the money, but her card was maxed out. So who got the money? Nate says people all around Boston have been targeted. He promises to get the money back.

HQ. There's a pile of pinatas. Eliot is icing his shoulder and lobbying for a break, since they just spent 10 days in Juarez. Nate ignores him and has Hardison kick off the briefing. The money was routed through three different shell companies; it wound up with Hugh Whitman, who runs a debt collection service. Eliot figures he's already got bill collectors; he's just siccing them on delinquent taxpayers. Sophie points out that there's no public list of people to target. Nate reveals that Whitman used to work for the IRS, so he probably has an old friend give him the info. "I got it, I got it!" Parker pulls a particularly hard-to-reach piece of candy out of her llama pinata. But then she looks around and pretends she was paying attention, "We steal the list."

Nate wants to find an angle on Whitman, but Hardison says there's nothing on the net [so how'd they find out he worked for the IRS?] even though his debt-collection company is high-tech enough to spoof caller IDs. The money wound up in a bank in rural Turner Creek in an account for Patriot Limited. It's not connected to Whitman. Nate has his plan. One team will make Whitman think his money isn't safe where it is -- Eliot promptly volunteers Hardison and himself for the job -- and Sophie will give him a new hiding place for it. Parker shakes the pinata, looking for the last dregs of candy, and Eliot finally rips its head off. She's horrified, and Eliot stalks off. "We'll fix it, " she reassures herself. "We can fix it." [I don't think Eliot had a good time in Juarez.]

Parking lot of the Turner Creek bank. Eliot and Hardison get a couple of official jackets from the trunk [it looks like a red muscle car, so I'm guessing Eliot drove]. Eliot doesn't see what Hardison has to complain about. It's a quick, easy job and then they can go fishing. Hardison doesn't see why Eliot had to drag him along, but Eliot thinks it will do him good to get outside for a change. Hardison protests that he just got buzzed by a mosquito with a beak, and he doesn't like the smell of fresh air.

Inside the bank, Eliot gets the manager and they flash some IRS badges. Hardison asks to see the Patriot Limited accounts. The manager scurries to cooperate. A teller raises a cell phone to his ear.

Boston. High rise. "Colette Madison" approaches Whitman, claiming mutual friends at the IRS. He tries to send her to HR, but she gets his attention when she mentions the Turner Creek bank. He disclaims having an account there, but she knows about Patriot Limited. That gets her a meeting. She's explains that she makes matches, for a fee. He needs her because his account isn't safe any more. There's a tap at the door. It's Ferret Face! Their guy at the bank called to say some IRS guys were snooping around the account. Whitman instructs him to call Chester to get rid of the IRS guys.

Whitman returns his office and finds Sophie at her ease. She reminds him, they have friends in common. He asks about Charlie Dean. How is the old boy? Parker wishes they had Hardison [look, if Hardison can teach Eliot to look people up, surely he can teach Nate or Parker], but Nate guesses the twist: Charlie's dead. So Sophie passes the test. Whitman decides he can trust her, and she says she can introduce him to someone with an "alternative" financial institution. Parker wonders if Nate knows when she'll die, too, but Nate has work for her.

Turner Creek. The guys head back to their car. Hardison exposits that cell phones and their coms don't work this far out [except we just saw the teller whip out a cell phone] so they need to call Nate from a land line. Eliot suggests calling from the bait shop while he gets fishing supplies, but Hardison doesn't think a bait shop is a proper source for lunch. A bunch of guys with fatigues and rifles pop up and threaten them. Hardison has little red dots on his shirt.

Van. Eliot and Hardison are handcuffed together. Hardison tries to talk Eliot into busting out, but he's busy constructing a mental map. Meanwhile, Sophie brings Whitman to a nearly-deserted health club. Flashback to Parker driving away students with a too-energetic pace in spinning class. Then Nate calls the manager, pretending to be from the franchise, and tells him the place down the street trying to lure their customers into breaking their contracts, so get on it. The manager comes out of his office, wonders where all the clients went and heads off to do battle with those guys down the street. Nate commandeers his office.

Sophie introduces Whitman to "Vic" the owner. Whitman's not really impressed with a housewife gym. Vic agrees it's not too impressive by itself, but put a bunch together and it's "a money-laundering machine." Sophie explains that Vic owns 25 gyms and sells shares to investors. Whitman figures you need customers, and this gym doesn't have them. Vic points out that 80% of gym members pay the dues but don't show up. You want to launder more money, just add more names to the member list. "Colette" gets a finder's fee and "Vic" gets 15% -- but in return, the clients get detailed paperwork. Vic has one slot left and Whitman's not the only one interested, so he needs an answer today. [That rush-rush seems entirely too likely to raise flags with a guy like Whitman.] Whitman wants to inspect the paperwork; he used to be district manager with the IRS, so he knows what to look for.

Woods. Camp. Chester, the boss military guy, holds up one of the "official" jackets. "Internal Revenue Service. Taking money from hardworking Americans and shipping it straight to China." Guys put a fake delivery sign on a van, and there are crates of molasses. Eliot smells something. Hardison starts trying to talk his way out of the IRS jacket and gets gut-punched. Eliot reads the patch on Chester's uniform: Turner Creek Minutemen. Militia, eh? No, "freedom fighters." Pop quiz: "What do you call a man who takes your property, enriches your adversaries and deprives you of your liberty." Eliot knows this one: "Your enemy." They're about to be casualties of war. A soldier forces Hardison to his knees and tries it on Eliot. "It ain't happenin', Bubba." For some reason, this is going to be tricky for the soldier to deal with but Chester channels Tim Gunn: "Make it work." [So shoot the standing guy and then shoot the kneeling guy. Why is this so hard?] Hardison demands a last cigarette, as allowed by the Geneva Convention, since he's a combatant. Chester orders Beardless Brandon to give Hardison a cigarette. Which he does, and then he struggles to light it with a match. While he's bent over retrieving his matches, Eliot takes out the soldier who's supposed to shoot them and they run for it. Apparently the soldiers haven't had much target practice [although pistol shooting at a distance tends to be inaccurate and rifles work better if you actually aim them], because they get away. The militia call out the dogs. Literally.

Boston. High rise. Parker is in a cubicle wearing a headset. She calls someone to collect on their debt. To the Amherst Oncology Center. Oops, they got disconnected. Oops, some records are getting deleted. Nate wants to know why she hasn't gotten into Whitman's office yet, so off she goes.

In the woods, Eliot calls a halt and does calculations. The van was driving 45 miles an hour; they rode for 22 minutes and turned twice after leaving the highway. So they're 17 miles north of town, and they need to go south. Hardison would rather trust the science that says running downhill is faster than running uphill. So they Rock-Paper-Scissors, and apparently Hardison forgot he has a tell, but Eliot didn't. South and uphill it is. The militia have bloodhounds and German shepherds. Doggie diversity.

Whitman's office. Parker finds a secret room behind a bookcase with military stuff and a computer. Look, IRS files. She starts printing. Look, a crate. Full of guns. Nate and Sophie exchange a look. Fortunately, Whitman is busy checking figures. Nate pretends he has to take a call and steps out to talk to Parker. She found a flag. The motto is from the Massachusetts state flag and the pine tree is from the original colonial flag. Parker takes a picture of the map on the wall. Nate wants to try something. He heads back into the office, claiming the town government wants him to install handicapped ramps "all over the parking lot." Soon he'll have to put Braille labels on the free weights. It's ridiculous. Then he notices Whitman's Hummer in the parking lot and compliments him for buying American. He claims he used to work for the government a while back, and everyone used to subscribe to the same principles. Sophie chimes in: the system has broken down. Whitman agrees; after 20 years with the IRS, he never saw the money collected go to "protect the interests of real Americans." Taxpayers are sheep, not even recognizing that their liberties are under constrant threat by the very government they elected. He reveals that the money he wants to hide is for the revolution. Sophie urges him to act quickly, what with the IRS snooping, but Whitman says not to worry -- he had those guys taken care of. [Which does what, exactly? If it removes the threat, he wouldn't need Sophie's alternative, and if it doesn't remove the threat, why attract attention?] Whitman has to get back to the office; bring the documentation and he'll try to make a decision by the end of the day. He leaves and the rest of the team is gravely concerned.

Boston. Sophie and Nate arrive at Whitman's building, Sophie recapping the missing-Eliot-and-Hardison part for those of you just tuning in. Nate and Parker will find them while Sophie closes the deal with Whitman.

Woods. Running. Eliot spots some skunk weed and pauses to rub them down with it, to throw off the dogs. [Shouldn't you put it on the soles of your shoes?] Then he cuts Hardison's hand to leave some blood on a tree ("Gangrene, man! Gangrene!" panicks Hardison) and breaks some foliage to create a false trail. Meanwhile, Hardison is fed up with the whole situation, which was brought on by Eliot's desire to go fishing. Eliot is tired of his skeptical attitude; after all, he's done this before. Yes, running through the woods handcuffed to somebody. Only last time it was easier, because the guy was already dead. They head out. The pursuit falls for the false trail.

Nate and Parker have found each other somewhere in the office building; an office with a bunch of pink "while you were out" slips on the door provides a safe place to talk. There's some static on the coms and Nate can hear the guys. Eliot manages to say they're 17 miles from the bank before the signal breaks up. Hardison diagnoses a cloud cover problem. To bounce the signal off a radio tower, they'll need a clear view of the sky. Parker shows Nate the picture she took of the map, which isn't labelled. Nate uses the office computer (a LOLcat wallpaper startles Parker) and brings up a map of the territory 17 miles from the bank. They use the creek on the wall map to locate the camp. The guys make contact on the coms -- they climbed a tree. Nate tells them to get to the railroad tracks just west of the camp. Okay, but what if there's no train? Not to worry, they're going to steal one.

Whitman is impressed by the records but wants to go over some details with Vic. Sophie claims he's tied up in a conference call. Parker scoots back to her cubicle. Nate has her route his call to the Department of Transportation, using the caller ID spoofing software to make it look like he's calling from Fitchburg. Bev at the MassDOT center gets a call about rocks blocking the track near Fitchburg. There are more calls as Sophie and Parker get into the act. Bev gets busy and reroutes the northbound Barrington. Nate tells Eliot and Hardison that he's sending them a beet train.

Sophie rejoins Whitman, who expects to be signing on once his questions are answered. Eliot and Hardison hop down from the tree and head for the tracks. Whitman promises Sophie a check and she toasts the revolution.

Tracks. Train. Eliot is impressed that Nate stole them a train. They get ready to climb the embankment and a militia guy orders them to halt. [If you're going to shoot them anyway, why not just shoot them now?] They make a fuss about turning around and finally face the guy; Eliot promptly knocks him down and disables his rifle. The soldier gloats that nothing can stop the militia's plans, so the guys both kick him in the head. Hardison balks at jumping aboard the train -- what did Eliot smell at the camp? Fertilizer and molasses. You reduce the molasses and it's even better than kerosene for making a fertilizer bomb. It's already mixed, and since it's unstable, you have to use it within 48 hours. Eliot's all for hopping the train and letting the feds handle it but Hardison is worried that they won't be able to find the bomb in time. Eliot warns him that it will get bloody. They loot the downed militia man for gear, including an ax to cut through the handcuff chain.

Ferret Face checks with the cubicle farm supervisor to see how "the new girl" (that would be Parker) is doing. They overhear her talking to Nate, the tipoff being "When's she getting Whitman's check?" Ferret Face calls Whitman. Sophie's antennae pick up the bad vibes and she slips out of Whitman's office. He decides to get his money from the bank. Sophie sends up the flare to the rest of the team.

Ferret Face heads for Parker but there's a cluster of people in the way and she beats him to the elevator. He takes the stairs (going up) in pursuit. She plans to fool the elevator into thinking it's in fire mode, so the doors won't open. Nate will find an exit. They'll need to beat Whitman to his money. He calls Eliot and Hardison [whose coms work fine now, even though they're not in a tree and Parker said they hadn't heard from the guys lately] and learns they're going to execute the Can o' WhoopAss plan on the militia. Nate slips out of his borrowed office and tells Sophie to take the stairs to the first floor. She ducks to avoid Ferret Face as he emerges from the stairs and then heads down. Whitman is waiting for an elevator when Parker finishes her hack; all the elevators head for the first floor. Ferret Face finds Whitman, who's holding him "personally responsible" for apprehending the team. Ferret Face runs off.

Downstairs, Parker exits the elevator and Sophie emerges from the stairwell. Nate pulls the fire alarm and they head for the door with the crowd. Up on the mezzanine level, Ferret Face yells for someone to stop them. [No way he got there so fast; he was well behind Sophie heading back downstairs, and he had to look around.]

Woods. Eliot has a looted walkie-talkie tuned to the militia frequency. He checks Hardison for overconfidence, which will get him killed faster than anything else. "Oh, I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets. I should be fine." Okay, time to go.

Eliot does the Rambo thing on some militia guys. [This includes somehow knowing which tree to climb that your enemy will walk under you so you can ambush them from above.] Hardison springs a trap and whomps a guy. Eliot joins him, but then they're surrounded by a troop of militia guys. [Again, why not just shoot them here instead of marching them back to camp? You just have to drag the bodies back out into the woods to bury them.]

Turner Creek bank. The manager recognizes Mr. Whitman, who wants to make a withdrawal from his account. [That would be the account that wasn't linked to Whitman.]

Milita camp. Hardison asks Chester where the bomb is going and Chester does the "wars have casualties" thing. Eliot isn't buying it: "You'd kill to protect your rights. A real soldier? He'd die to protect somebody else's." Hardison observes that he never got his cigarette, but Chester's not having that again. Eliot thinks he knows where the cigarette is. [Why are they being polite enough to let the enemy combatants finish talking before shooting them?] It's over there on the propane tanks. The box of matches lights [how?] and the tanks explode. People go flying through the air [some later than others].

Whitman exits the bank and tries to open the door to his Hummer, but it's locked. He sets down his briefcase to search for the keys and unlocks the door. [Good thing he didn't already have his keys in hand, eh?] He drives off past Nate sitting in a sedan, who announces, "Whitman's gone."

Eliot and Hardison rouse themselves and celebrate briefly before the Hummer pulls up. [Thanks to Eliot, we know it's a 22 minute drive from the bank.] They run off to hide. The militia come to as Whitman arrives. Nate finds Eliot and Hardison in their hiding spot [which makes me wonder where he parked, that he can avoid Whitman's notice but get there so soon after, aside from the whole finding them so easily] and scolds them for spurning his stolen train. Hardison refuses to be chastised -- "I made a bomb. Out of a menthol light." [Actually, he asked and it wasn't a menthol light.] Flashback to Beardless Brandon fumbling for the dropped match and Hardison picking up the cigarette and matches. Flashback to the tanks going kabooom. [Sadly, no flashback to the cigarette-and-matches bomb getting planted on the tanks, or the construction of the bomb.]

Nate asks if they have a radio and Eliot hands it over. Nate pretends to be an ATF agent "accidentally" using the same frequency to order his units in; they should arrest but not harm their "cooperating witness" Hugh Whitman. Chester is not surprised that the former government guy is a turncoat. Whitman protests -- hey, look at everything he gave them. Chester wants to see the money, so Whitman opens the briefcase. It has the IRS files, not money. Flashback to Parker, Nate and Sophie getting out of the car at the bank. Parker is surprised the car could go 140 mph. Sophie tells her she's never allowed to drive again. Flashback to Nate opening the trunk and Sophie retrieving a briefcase which she hands to Parker and loads with the IRS files. [Good thing they had a copy of Whitman's briefcase in the trunk, eh?] Flashback to Whitman setting his briefcase down to unlock his Hummer; Parker rolls underneath it to swap briefcases.

Chester decides that Whitman will get their money so they can hide from the feds, and maybe they don't shoot him. Nate, Hardison and Eliot watch them go. [Standing out in the open. Good thing the militia men who expect the feds to be closing in on them aren't looking behind them as they leave.] Eliot wonders if Nate's really going to let them walk away, and Nate tells him to give him some credit.

And we're back at the Turner Creek bank, which is unpopulated except by the newly arrived bad guys. The FBI pops up from behind the counter and more drive in to surround the militia in the parking lot. [Good thing the armed militia men who hate the agents of the federal government just surrender, instead of trying to shoot representatives of the oppressive government with all those guns they have.] The boss FBI agent opens the briefcase and asks, "Are these the stolen papers you mentioned?" Enter Sophie and Parker in FBI windbreakers. Whitman tries to claim that he was set up, but no one cares. Eliot, Hardison and Nate show up in the parking lot for the gloat.

Bar. Nate, Parker and Sophie give the client a check and she thanks them. Nate offers her the part-time job of returning stolen money to all the other vicims. Parker volunteers to drive. [Where? Who? What?] Sophie won't let her.

HQ. Hardison and Eliot are Wii fishing, complete with camp chairs and tackle boxes. Hardison criticizes Eliot's technique. Eliot protests that there's no talking in fishing. He "lands" a fish but finds the experience lacking. "It's just not the same." Hardison agrees -- it's better.

Comments: Granted, I don't have an extensive exposure to militia men, but a state with the motto "Live Free or Die" does seem to attract a certain mentality. And the rhetoric of the militia and the revolution was off. They're usually dealing with a huge sense of aggravation and betrayal which didn't come through. The story that "Vic" told about how people in the government used to share common principles was all wrong. I'm not sure if they ever considered the government trustworthy, but certainly not once the 16th Amendment was passed to allow a federal income tax in 1913. Also, Whitman was far too quick to fess up to actual involvement and not just sympathy.

Fitchburg is north and west of Boston, and almost due north of Worcester, not far from the New Hampshire state line.

If you have not yet discovered the LOLcat phenomenon, well, this is probably your first time using a computer, but head over to icanhascheezburger.com.

The Studio Job

2010-07-20T11:53:00.000-04:00

Memphis. House in the country. A young man plays a six-string guitar while a young woman sings a country song. Two men bust in, followed by Evil Bo Duke Kirkwood. He yells at them for going to see a lawyer. The goons put the man's right hand on the coffee table and Kirkwood stomps on it. After posturing a while, he stomps the other hand.

Boston. Bar. Kaye Lynn, the young woman, confides in Nate and Eliot. Her brother won't play again; he'll be lucky to use his fingers again. Nate wonders why they would work for Kirkwood with his reputation. Well, he owns a record label and that was their shot. They were hired as songwriters, but the contract had fine print. Kirkwood still owed them a lot of money, so he offered them an album and a spot in showcase. But then he liked the album too much to let them keep it.

HQ. Hardison runs the briefing on Kirkwood. He had one hit -- cue a cheesy video. Sophie's ready to take him down just for that. Never released another single. He put the money into his label. Given the number of lawsuits dropped after just a couple of days, he has a nice little fiefdom in the music business. So they need to get Kaye Lynn her money and her music. (Uh, where's the brother in all this?) Sophie's not familiar with stealing music. Hardison explains about the album's digital master. There's a safe in Kirkwood's studio with the masters. Parker figures they just smash and grab, but Nate wants to get money for compensation and damages plus keep Kirkwood off them. He and Sophie call it: the Fiddle Game. Parker raises her hand. She can't play the fiddle. No, they're selling the fiddle.

Memphis. Kirkwood drives up to the Saddlebag Saloon in a truck decorated with steer horns. Inside, the hostess' screen lists him as having cancelled. Which explains why someone (Sophie, looking rather techno for a saloon) is sitting at his reserved table. Only Kirkwood isn't interested in excuses, so the hostess runs off to get a table for him. He heads over to the bar where Hardison is sitting next to Nate. Hardison leaves and Kirkwood nabs his seat. Nate offers to buy his drink. Hardison heads over to the sound booth while Parker warms up. The DJ steps out and Hardison slips in before the door closes. He checks out the playlist -- the DJ has a thing for Brooks & Dunn. He gives Parker an assignment. She twirls down the bar behind the drinkers, lifting wallets and tickets.

The DJ comes back. Hardison gets extremely colloquial pretending that he was double-booked for the DJ shift on his night off. The DJ wants to call and straighten it out. Hardison is happy to hear it; if he had to work, he'd have to find some way to dispose of his Brooks & Dunn ticket. The DJ suddenly remembers hearing he got the night off, and he'll find someone to take the ticket. Parker finds a ticket in her loot and slides it under the door, where Hardison "finds" it. The DJ heads off to enjoy himself.

Kirkwood brags to Nate that being rich and famous lets you turn down girls even prettier than the bartender every day. The bartender, forced to listen to this, is disgusted. Nate wonders why he didn't keep recording, but Kirkwood figures it's like Nate being a manager -- better to be the farmer than the cow. And what's up with this kid Nate has? Well, they recorded his best song on a demo a few years ago and sent it out; now all of a sudden this "European woman" shows up offering $25,000 for the rights. She's over there waiting on an answer. Of course, "she" is Sophie. Kirkwood offers to go over and find out what's going on. The local guys have to stick together, after all. He heads off and Parker joins Nate. The fiddle game is afoot. Parker's still unclear on where the fiddle is. "It just walked through the door." No, Eliot just walked through the door...

Eliot is up behind the stage lights looking over the crowd when Parker comes up and startles him, which she finds odd. He doesn't -- that's what cat burglars do. Except she's been a cat burglar since the age of ten -- maybe nine -- and this is the first time she has managed to startle him. Sophie explains that Eliot is nervous. Eliot denies. Parker thought he told Nate he could sing. Eliot affirms that he can sing, he's just surprised by all the people. Parker realizes that Eliot is nervous. (It's like she just discovered Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite.) Hardison says he has it covered and asks Eliot to say something. "I don't speak on command, Hardison." The sound is captured on his laptop, which can alter the pitch between "Darth Eliot" (low and tough) and "Spencer Smurf" (high and, uh, not tough). Hardison gets that he should never do the smurf one again. The software matches the voice to the pitch of the song -- it's a real-time version of AutoTune.

Kirkwood approaches Sophie and lays down some smarmy Southern charm. He introduces himself and she realizes she's taken his table. Is he important? Well, he owns the place. He offers a tour. Sophie introduces herself as Virginia Ellington and asks if her things (laptop, cell phone) will be safe at the table. Kirkwood is sure they're safe at his table. They walk off. Kirkwood's flunky checks the call history on her cell and dials Worcester Studios. Nate answers in a British accent, being careful not to be overheard. The flunky then checks Worcester Studios on the laptop and sees rapper K-Gent is recording with them.

Backstage, Eliot is practicing while Kaye Lynn paces. She's worried -- this song is the only thing they have left after everything Kirkwood took. Eliot promises her she won't lose the song. This is what they do. She notices he's having trouble with part of the song, so she sits on his lap and handles the fingering while he strums. (These are technical guitar terms, honest.) He gets the part down with a little guidance. Then she asks how he feels when he plays. He's thinking about the how of playing, not the how he feels. Eliot is stumped, so she asks if he was ever in love. He was, once. He promised that he'd be there if she ever needed him. Only he made the same promise to Uncle Sam, and you can only make that promise to one person at a time. Kaye Lynn tells him to use what he's feeling right now.

Kirkwood's flunky fills him in on "Virginia." He asks why K-Gent sent her from London to sign an unknown. She's impressed. K-Gent picked up a demo out of a box headed for the trash and sampled a song on his new album. Kirkwood realizes she wants to buy the rights cheaply before the guy learns of his luck.

Eliot comes out as "Kenneth Crane" and introduces a song about the road not travelled. (This is where you go to iTunes.) Hardison (now joined by Parker) is flummoxed; his system isn't correcting the voice. Nate isn't worried -- the voice doesn't need correction. The flunky says to Kirkwood, "You know who he sounds like?" Kirkwood nods and tells him to keep the manager around. "Kenneth Crane" finishes and the crowd cheers.

Backstage, Eliot is a little high from his success. Kaye Lynn hugs him and well, you can guess where this is going. Eliot removes his earbud. The flunky tells Nate he's wanted. Two goons back up the summons. Nate whispers for Eliot, but he is otherwise occupied. Parker and Hardison pack up to leave but the DJ returns. The ticket is for tomorrow night. Oops. Kirkwood tells Virginia that he knows she'd pay half a million for the rights. Good thing for her the manager doesn't know that. Except Kirkwood claims the manager as an old 4H buddy (it's like the farm version of scouting) and offers to facilitate the deal in exchange for future considerations. Nate waits with the goons. The flunky shows up and gut-punches him just as Eliot puts his earbud back in. (Not a euphemism.) He's on his way to help Nate, but he notices someone lurking outside. So he jumps the intruder and growls, "Who do you work for?" Uh, Forever 21. It's a fan looking for an autograph. Eliot kinda likes this part.

The flunky brings Kirkwood up to the room where Nate is waiting. They find him sitting in the chair with the two goons unconscious on the floor. Nate claims they got into a fight over something about reps versus sets. Kirkwoods sighs and gives him an envelope of cash. Back at the hotel, Nate hands it to Kaye Lynn. That's the fiddle game. They'll get the rest at the studio tomorrow when Eliot records the song for Kirkwood. Parker will steal the masters. In another room (trying on her costume), Parker suddenly realizes, "Oh! Eliot's the fiddle!"

A studio boss and a studio gofer girl exposit that a producer working for K-Gent has come from London just to record this one song. Gofer Girl will give him anything he wants. Gofer Girl finds the producer (Hardison all in white -- including a faux fur coat -- and gold bling) with "yes, it's her" the Icelandic pop star (Parker wearing a badly-cut yellow wig, lopsided eye makeup, black-and-white striped thigh highs and a fluffy yellow dress with a duck's head curved around the neck. The duck has little crosses for eyes. Imagine Lady Gaga feuding with Bjork). Gofer Girl is perplexed and propitiating as Hardison gives her the "she's a star" treatment, and flees to start the paperwork. Eliot's on the way but he's being followed. Hardison suggests he do his thing, but Eliot doesn't feel that's an appropriate response to a horde of screaming fan girls. Hardison tells him that Kenneth Crane has a fan page. Nice picture. Eliot's not happy to hear it -- "There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued." Hardison nukes the fan site but thinks he's being paranoid. Eliot figures a man with his history can't be paranoid.

Sophie is at breakfast with Nate (failing to understand his choice of ribs) when she spots Kirkwood. She slaps Nate, who realizes Kirkwood is on the scene. Sophie wonders how he found them, but Nate figures there are a limited number of five-start hotels in Memphis. He tells her to storm off. She wants to wait another beat, then goes to tell Kirkwood she'd like to slap him. He grabbed the rights to the song, so what does he want?

Gofer Girl leads Hardison and Parker over to the recording studio. Hardison goes in, Parker doesn't. She can't risk being "tainted" and asks to be shown to the meditation temple. She wanders off with Gofer Girl in tow. Hardison gives a status to Nate; Eliot took his earbud out for the recording. Parker dismisses an office space as too cluttered and keeps trotting through the facility. Hardison starts the session, but stops "Kenneth" for being pitchy. Parker's search for a meditation temple continues. Hardison stops "Kenneth" again for pitchiness. Parker and Gofer Girl approach a door with a security pad and Parker stops and coughs. She grabs Gofer Girl's key card as she sends her for water. Nate checks in; Parker thinks she's not being weird enough. Gofer Girl returns with water. Parker swishes, gargles and spits it out -- it's not iceberg water. Gofer Girl doesn't think they have any. Parker will settle for champagne. Gofer Girl is off again and Parker is through the door.

Hardison starts to groove to the song, but then stops Eliot yet again. They bicker. Parker can't find a safe, but then she hears Eliot playing. Isn't the recording studio soundproof? Someone delivers the Crane master to the flunky. Parker has found a lockbox under the acoustical floor tiles. Look, tapes.

"Virginia" is having lunch with Kirkwood at the Ribs, Ribs & More Ribs restaurant. The waitress fails to clear her plate of untouched ribs. Kirkwood is giving her the rights to the song for free. In exchange, she forgets all about Kenneth Crane. Kirkwood wants to get back into the game and having a song sampled by a rap superstar is a nice boost. Sophie realizes he's stealing the song for himself. How will he get Crane to cooperate? Kirkwood's phone plays "Dixie" as he tells her Crane won't have a choice. And she should stop asking questions. Sophie tips Nate that Kirkwood thinks he's the fiddle. Kirkwood's flunky assures him he'll take care of the matter and loads his gun.

Eliot is working on his own take when Parker arrives in the control booth with the tapes. Hardison finds Kaye Lynn's master and puts it in the tape deck. Parker finds Kirkwood's song; the artist's name is blacked out. The flunky summons Eliot, who won't go. So the flunky pulls a gun and Eliot whacks him with a microphone stand. Fighting ensues. Hardison plays the master of Kirkwood's song and then the video version. It's the same voice with a pitch adjustment. Hardison does a voice print search while Eliot tries to get their attention between blows. Parker looks for Eliot but doesn't see him through the studio window. Where'd he go? She turns back and misses the continuation of the fight. Hardison finds a match -- Jesse Jenkins. That explains why Kirkwood never had a second song -- he never had a first one. Jenkins filed a bunch of suits but they were never dropped (Kirkwood's usual M.O.). Never went to court, either. Eliot finishes the fight. Jenkins died in suspicious circumstances, Kirkwood was suspected but never charged. Nate knows this because it's about to happen to Eliot -- who finally gets Hardison and Parker's attention. He comes around to the booth door and tells them to scram. Now.

Back at the hotel, Parker gives the tapes to Nate but the case for Kaye Lynn's tape is empty. Hardison thinks he left it in the tape deck. Eliot heads off to protect Kaye Lynn from the inevitable uncomfortable questions. When he gets to the house, she is physically fine -- but the showcase organizer called and said Kirkwood is taking her spot. He's stealing the last song. So much for Eliot's promise.

Eliot wants to know the plan. Nate says they'll regroup and try a new approach in a couple of days. Eliot isn't having it; he won't let Kirkwood sing the song. Hardison is tracking his truck's GPS and it's too late. Kaye Lynn says the song will be gone forever if Kirkwood performs in front of the A&Rs (music scouts). Hardison repeats: it's too late. Eliot doesn't want to hear it; they can help or not. He and Kaye Lynn put on helmets and ride off on a motorcycle. Sophie says that you don't always get a second chance to make it right. Parker wonder why not and Nate agrees -- changing the rules is what they do.

The team passes a flock of CraneHeads on the way out of the hotel and Nate asks for Kirkwood's location. He's in his truck, practicing. It pulls up to a light and is promptly swarmed by the screaming CraneHeads; they have a text message that their idol is in the truck with horns. Kirkwood grabs his CD and hoofs it to the showcase. Sophie, Parker and Hardison arrive at the showcase; Sophie spots Kirkwood, who gives the Crane master CD to the DJ. Parker climbs on stage to "perform" and stall the showcase a little longer. The crowd fails to appreciate the genius of her performance. Eliot and Kaye Lynn arrive at the saloon, where the showcase is being held. She heads off. Eliot finds Kirkwood backstage among some microphones. "Surprised to see me?" Since Kirkwood tried to have him killed, like he killed Jenkins. Kirkwood carefully tells "Crane" that he wants to help him, then gut-punches him. He pushes the microphones away and whispers in Eliot's ear, "You think I'm going to confess to murder in a room full of microphones? If I was that stupid, I never would have gotten away with it."

Security removes Parker from the stage and Kirkwood comes out. He sits and starts playing the song. When he gets to the chorus, Kaye Lynn starts singing from the balcony. The spotlight finds her. Hardison backs her with a guitar track, since Kirkwood has stopped playing. She finishes and Kirkwood has the crowd give her a hand. He's about to play again when everyone hears what he whispered to Eliot. Flashback to Hardison capturing Eliot's earbud transmission on his laptop. Kirkwood prestends that was a joke and heads offstage. Eliot gives him a demonstration of proper gut-punching. Nate gives Eliot the master he retrieved from the studio and wanders off. Kaye Lynn shakes off a crowd of interested industry reps to join Eliot and thank him for keeping his promise. He gives her the album master, for her trip to Nashville. She invites him along; they could be the second coming of Johnny and June. (As in Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, which I hope you already knew.) He kisses her goodbye; he's already way down another road. The industry people sweep her off.

The team rounds up and heads out. Eliot wants to know how Nate took out those two goons. Nate sticks with his story: they got into a fight. Sophie wonders where Eliot was. "I was getting notes from Kaye Lynn on my performance." And how was he? "No complaints." (There would be some euphemisms in there.) A girl stops Eliot and he prepares to sign one last autograph, but she just wants the time. Time? Past her bedtime. Go home.

Comments: It took a viewing or two to get past the feeling that this episode was specifically designed to give the Christian Kane fans a thrill.

I've been taking classical voice lessons for some twenty years, and that kind of singing is very different from country singing. That tends to push the voice forward into the face and sinuses, while classical singers use the chest, throat and palate area. However, Kaye Lynn's lecture about feeling the song applies in all musical genres, but especially if you sing classical music to people who don't normally listen to classical music, in languages that they don't speak. If you can't feel the music, the audience won't either -- and that's what distinguishes singers from AutoTuned robot voices.

While Sophie is nuts with her disdain for ribs, I don't see eating them for breakfast, either. Can't wait to see what Sophie makes of grits...

The Double Blind Job

2010-07-20T11:52:00.002-04:00

Two women stroll after shopping for clothes. One, Lisa, suddenly collapses.

Three years later, at a streetside cafe, the second woman, Ashley Moore, is greeted by Dr. Roberts. He apologizes for being cryptic on the phone, but he has information about her sister Lisa's death. Ashley's phone rings, but the caller number is blocked. Dr. Roberts knows about the drug trial Lisa was part of. Ashley's phone rings again and she steps away to see who it is. There's no one on the line. When she turns back, Dr. Roberts is gone. He left a napkin under the sugar bowl with a list of names. Ashley calls the doctor; a phone rings across the street where two men in suits are standing next to a black car. Ashley doesn't care for the coincidence, so she walks away. The two men cross the street in pursuit. She starts to run and bumps into Hardison emerging from a coffee shop, throwing him into someone crossing behind him. One of the suits flashes an FBI badge and claims Ashley is in their custody. Hardison tells them they made two mistakes. First, they flashed a phony badge. Second, they spilled "his" coffee. "He" would be Eliot, wearing a coffee stain down the whole front of his white T-shirt. Fisticuffs ensue while Hardison covers Ashley's eyes.

Bar. Booth. Hardison sits next to Ashley as she fills Nate in on the story. Lisa participated in a drug trial for HT1. After a week, she suffered liver failure and died. JRP Pharmaceuticals offered a settlement, claiming it was an isolated incident. Ashley tears up and Hardison comforts her. Parker watches from the bar. Ashley convinced her parents to refuse the money; she'd make sure the company was held accountable. Only the company claimed Lisa had a pre-existing condition -- Nate acknowledges that proving causality is the big problem in these cases -- and no lawyer would take the appeal. Ashley has spent three years looking for new evidence, with no luck until Dr. Roberts contacted her. Nate asks if Dr. Roberts gave her any information and Ashley pulls out the napkin. Arcadia is a town 30 miles away but the names bring up nothing. As in No. Thing. They appear to have been erased. Hardison does find Dr. Roberts. Ashley is impressed and Hardison offers to teach her, when he gets back with her refill.

At the bar, Parker asks Hardison if he's run a background check on Ashley. She could be a terrorist. Parker goes back to the booth with Hardison and pulls up a chair, the better to stare at Ashley. Reading the information Hardison retrieved, Nate observes that Dr. Roberts worked for JRP Pharmaceuticals until 8 months ago. They were bought by PallaGen Laboratories and all the researchers laid off. Nate thinks it's time to take the conversation to the , uh - "Poker room?" suggests Hardison. Nate has him call Eliot -- who's changing his coffee- and blood- and tooth-stained shirt -- and send him to Dr. Roberts' house. Meanwhile, Sophie and Parker should go knock on doors in Arcadia. Nate has to ask Parker twice, she's concentrating on Ashley so hard.

Eliot knocks on a door. No one home. In the poker room, where Hardison sets up a flat screen for display, Nate tells him to break in subtly. Eliot kicks the door in. He finds some BMW keys, out of place in such a small apartment. (Even with Boston rents?) Hardison says Roberts drives a moped. Eliot finds a flash drive hiding in the key chain and uploads the contents with his phone. Dr. Roberts had a meeting with Darren Hoffman, who was going to pay him $200,000 but Roberts never took the money. Turns out Hoffman is the CEO of PallaGen Labs. He's business, not science -- he jumped around to a bunch of companies in different industries. Nate recognizes the type -- he's chasing the CEO spot, has no loyalty to any of the companies. So what did Dr. Roberts have that was worth $200K? Eliot finds Dr. Roberts: "They made it look like a heart attack." Professionals will use one of nine injection sites; Eliot determines they went under the fingernail this time. Sophie and Parker report in; they found the people in Arcadia. But they haven't actually talked to any of them -- they found them in the cemetery.

HQ. Sophie shows Nate a newspaper article. Fifteen people from Arcadia participated in the HT1 trial; 10 died of liver failure. Nate tries to bring up the multi-screen but the remote isn't cooperating. Hardison is in the poker room looking after Ashley and Parker is helping. Sophie finds that surprising. Anyhoodles, the screens finally cooperate. PallaGen erased all the information, but didn't get into the Arcadia Public Library. (Libraries are wonderful places. Go visit yours.) They figure Roberts found the connection, Hoffman tried to bribe him and had Roberts erased when that didn't work. They debate possible approaches and settle on the Double Blind.

PallaGen HQ. A besuited Parker wheels a case into the lobby, where Trina welcomes "Laurie Sprang" to Vioplex Training Day. In the poker room, Nate assigns Parker the job of breaking into Hoffman's office to get the dirt. Hardison runs down her background: pharma reps are hired out of cheerleading programs, so she's a veteran of University of Iowa, not to mention second runner-up for Miss Iowa. Meanwhile, Sophie needs to develop a relationship with Hoffman. His calendar is booked, so they hijack the appoinment of Jennifer Pearson, FDA rep. Back at PallaGen, Hoffman's assistant "Phil" (actually Eliot) intercepts Ms. Pearson and takes her on a tour of the facility.

Sophie becomes Ms. Pearson and makes an impression on Hoffman. She asks for a tour; she wants to talk about the possibility of consulting. Nate translates "consulting" as bribes and Hardison lays out the payouts for Ashley. The company has a foundation for legally funneling bribes. Nate signals Parker to get ready to go. Hoffman escorts Sophie from the office and she installs a thingy on his electronic office lock as she goes. "Laurie" stands up and Trina thinks she has a volunteer for some role-playing. Parker does about as well as one could expect, then manages to excuse herself. Off to Hoffman's office for some snooping. She downloads his files first. Hardison is amused by his lackluster encryption. Nate spots a picture of a molecule and asks Hardison to bring it up. It's the Vioplex molecule -- which is identical to the HT1 molecule (Ashley has helpfully provided a picture). Nate realizes that Roberts made the HT1/Vioplex connection. People are going to die when Hoffman releases Vioplex.

Ashley exposits that PallaGen has altered HT1 to slow down the rate of liver failure, so it will take years instead of months to kill people. Nate reviews Hoffman's bribe list. Hardison can't believe he'll get away with it. Nate notes the FDA receives 500,000 complaints about side effects each year. By the time they figure out the problem, Hoffman will have moved on. They need the vials of HT1 to prove it's the same molecule as Vioplex. Parker needs to find where they are. Eliot needs to keep Jennifer Pearson around so they can give her the vials. Only she's scheduled to fly out in two hours. Eliot turns on the charm and convinces her to stay over and let him show her the city. Parker finds a safe behind some binders and easily cracks it. She finds a file with a storage index and scans it with the phone. Hardison gets an alert that security is headed for her. He wants her to go but Nate tells her to stay until she has what they need. Hardison argues that they also need Parker. She finishes up and leaves (removing the thingy Sophie planted) just ahead of security.

Bar. Sophie storms in and chews Nate out for risking Parker -- is he taking this a little personally because it's reminding him of his own situation? Given his history of going off the rails, she gets to give him a sanity check occasionally. If he objects, she'll walk -- "And remember, Nate, I'm the only one who actually likes you." She leaves.

HQ. Hardison teases Eliot about getting worn out by Jennifer Pearson. Turns out she's a very thorough tourist -- Freedom Trail (twice), Newbury Street, Public Gardens, duck tour (quack quack!). Nate comes in and Hardison tells him that he's confirmed PallaGen has the HT1 vials, but not where. Nate figures they'll get Hoffman to lead them to the vials. Nate will give Hoffman a push. Hardison points out that didn't go so well for the last guy who pushed Hoffman (i.e. Roberts) but Nate is all "Bring it on." Hardison and Eliot agree that prison changed Nate.

Upscale bar. Sophie has a drink with Hoffman to discuss their arrangement. He just wants problems to be delayed. Eventually, they'll have to apologize and pay a fine, but it will be a small percentage of what they make on sales until then. Sophie pretends to be cold, so he gallantly donates his jacket. She steps away to take a call and Nate parks himself at their table. He claims to know Dr. Roberts, and that Vioplex is HT1. He has proof -- the vials -- and wants $5 million. He gives Hoffman a phone number and leaves. Sophie comes back and Hoffman excuses himself; she returns his jacket before he goes.

Hoffman types on a keypad and enters a secure area. There, he finds the case with the HT1 vials, right where he left them. A button camera gives Nate, Hardison and Parker a view. Flashback to Sophie putting it on Hoffman's jacket. So now all Parker has to deal with is the lock on the storage cage; Hardison will compare her route to Hoffman's (the button camera is GPS-enanbled). Ashley wishes her luck and Parker acts insulted. Nate hands her a lookalike case and sends her off.

Sophie arrives at PallaGen. Hoffman waves her over. He's calling Nate; he wants to make the payoff in person. Hardison tries to wave Nate off but he accepts. Sophie points out that a security goon just needs to brush past him with a syringe and he'll be joining Dr. Roberts. Nate says he has to do it or it will tip off Hoffman. The team will just have to wrap things up before he gets dead.

PallaGen. Vioplex launch party. Nate arrives. Eliot warns him to watch for tall men, hands in the pocket, high-laced shoes. Jennifer Pearson gives "Phil" the brush-off -- she wants someone who's not a desk jockey, someone a little more dangerous. But they can still be friends. Nate asks Eliot if he needs time to shake it off. Apparently not. Hardison steers Parker through the secure facility, but he doesn't have the keypad code right off. He and Ashley scramble to find it and both read it, but differently. Finally, Hardison reads it off by himself and Parker is through.

Nate has a false alarm with a guy with a pen. Parker announces that she's triggered the motion sensor and the HT1 vials are in the cage. She has 15 seconds before security arrives. Sophie suggests it's time to clear out and Nate endorses. Hoffman gets a call from the secure facility. Two guards walk into the room; Parker is hanging onto the exposed pipes on the ceiling so they miss her. The guards unlock the cage; she drops down and locks them in. She runs, tripping a third guard on the way out. Nate checks on Parker and Sophie; Parker says the vials are in the cage with security. Sophie tells Nate to go. He's almost out the door when he fends off a syringe; two security guys (the same ones that chased Ashley) haul him away to Hoffman's office.

Hoffman announces the deal has changed, now that he knows Nate doesn't have the vials. He compliments the ploy of having him lead them to the case, but unfortunately, the thief Nate hired biffed the job. A third guard pops in to hand Hoffman the case. He sends the guards outside to make sure no one comes in. But then Eliot walks up to the guards, offers them coffee and takes them out. (Not for coffee.) Nate negotiates while Hoffman sips champagne. Eliot announces that the door is clear. Nate breaks the news that they stole the vials -- Hoffman has an empty case. And they put the HT1 in the champagne. Hoffman opens the case and it's empty, except for a little card that says "Cheers!" Flashback to Parker inside the security cage placing a case on the shelf and relocking the cage. Hardison turns on the motion sensors and has to prompt her to set them off. She announces that she triggered the motion sensors.

Nate lets Hoffman know that he got a concentrated dose. Hoffman doesn't believe Nate could have dosed the champagne; he's been under observation the whole time. Jennifer Pearson walks in -- the real one. Hoffman's assistant said he was ready to see her. Flashback to Eliot removing prostrate guards and Sophie sending Ms. Pearson up. Hoffman disbelieves she's the FDA rep, but Nate reveals Sophie is his associate. She smiles at the security camera. Hoffman storms out. Nate tells Pearson to stick with Hoffman, but first, take this case. She goes.

Downstairs, Hoffman yells for everyone to stop drinking the champagne; he tips trays of glasses to shatter on the floor. They've all been poisoned! Pearson wants to know what's going on. Hoffman announces that someone put HT1 into the champagne. The video display now shows the HT1 and Vioplex molecules side-by-side. Someone says, "HT1? That's the drug that killed all those people in Arcadia." Pearson puts it together -- HT1 is the poison, and they're selling it as Vioplex. Hoffman says someone stole the vials from that case. She opens it and the HT1 vials are inside. Flashback to Hardison telling Parker the case is a trick case -- "Abracadabra." Pearson makes a call as the reporters on hand grill Hoffman.

Sophie asks Nate if he realizes his bravado was the definition of "out of control." Nate just wanted to demonstrate that he wouldn't ask the team to take risks he wasn't willing to take himself. "I love how you think that's comforting," Sophie sighs.

Bar. Hardison asks Ashley what she'll do with herself now. She's not sure. Hardison gives her a list of people affected by HT1, and a check. It's a whistleblower's percentage of a large fine. At the bar, Sophie tells Parker she's glad Ashley found closure. Parker squeezes a beer bottle to pieces at Ashley's name. Sophie advises her to talk to Hardison and the beer bottle is in more pieces. Parker denies feeling jealous; she just doesn't like seeing them together. Ashley hugs Hardison and departs, so Hardison joins the ladies at the bar. Sophie exits. Parker announces she has to tell him something and Hardison sits. Parker confesses that she's maybe having feelings. Weird feelings. For -- her lips make a "you" shape but no sound comes out, until she says "Pretzels!" Hardison slides the bowl of pretzels over and tells her, "Well, they're right here. When you want them."

Comments: Eliot's list of tourist destinations is accurate. The Duck Tours use amphibious vehicles; they drive through Boston and take a dip in the Charles River. Tourists are expected to shout "Quack quack!" at passersby. It would have been interesting to see Eliot driven to the extreme of yelling "Quack quack!" at people, but that would require location shooting.

Parker transferred the vials of HT1 into the new trick case and stole just the original case (now empty). Her announcements that the HT1 was (still) in the cage were to confirm that she was not walking away with it. And to fool the audience into thinking the heist was blown. Like Parker would have trouble with such an easy setup.

The Scheherazade Job

2010-07-20T11:51:00.002-04:00

Fancy executive office. Alexander Moto serves up a cake shaped like his African homeland of Wadata to a couple of businessmen. Wadata has lots of resources, like diamonds and some newly-discovered oil. Moto's brother is currently the president; he's not known as being business-friendly but Alexander is different. A businessman wants to know if Moto's sure he will succeed his brother. Moto says he's taking care of the opposition.

Boston street. Jane, a West African reporter, emerges from a building and heads to her car. She's on her phone, trying to get through to Mr. Moto. She's about to get in the car when she notices a ticket. It's not for her car. With a screech of tires, a car rounds the corner and heads for her. She dives into her car at the last minute and the assassin's car takes off the open car door she was just standing in front of.

Bar. Eliot and Hardison jostle in the doorway. Eliot knows he was invited by Nate to protect the client. They sit at a table with Nate and Hardison explains that he's on hand to learn Nate's job, for when he's running his own crew. Nate is surprised to hear it. Hardison explains that he's the Super Skrull, encompassing all the team's skills: hacking, grifting, thieving. Eliot wants to know about fighting; Hardison has a dog for that. Named Megabyte. (Megabite?) Nate tells Hardison he can't do his job. It's not about being smart. But before he can explain what it is about, Jane arrives. She has two large men trailing her. Eliot pretends to be a drunk who thinks one guy has his jacket that he left at the dry cleaners. The guy hits him to make him go away. Eliot breaks his fingers and thumps on the other guy for a bit. Then he looks like he's about to go all Bruce Lee on them, so they leave. Eliot sits back down and smirks at Hardison, "Can your dog do that?"

Jane talks about Wadata. Moto has children working his mines; they have to make quotas or they don't get paid. "Or worse," Eliot adds. He's fought in Africa, so he knows about child soldiers. Moto smuggles his diamonds into the US and launders them through real estate. The current president, who has labored to improve the standard of living, will be forced out by term limits, so Moto is positioning himself as his brother's successor. The president will come for a visit in four days, which will solidify Moto's heir status. Nate thinks the Justice Department can act on Moto when Jane's article is published. She says she already go them proof of Moto's crimes. They started an investigation, but then it didn't go anywhere. Nate knows how to find out what happened.

The Italian woman joins Nate in his car. She's dressed up, so Nate wonders if he dragged her out of a party. No, a date. With a fugitive who is no longer a fugitive. Nate processes that. They get to business. Moto feeds African jihadists to the CIA; he's a paid informant. Business concluded, the Italian woman invites Nate to dinner; she doesn't like to eat alone. Nate imagines how that would go. It ends with him being garrotted while she looks on. He pleads other plans.

HQ. Eliot, Sophie and Nate process the new information. Sophie bets the names Moto's providing aren't even jihadists, but his political rivals. Nate exposits that Moto bought at the peak of the real estate market, so the only thing keeping him afloat is the diamond money. And the best thing about smuggled diamonds? Sophie goes for the way the shimmer on the deck of a millionaire's yacht under the moonlight, but Eliot votes for the lack of insurance. If they steal the diamonds, Moto's empire collapses and he can't fund a bid for power.

Parker (with camera) and Hardison (in the van) are checking out Moto's properties. Hardison votes against the concert hall, until Parker admires the sturdiness of the foundation. She unlocks the exterior electical panel and finds a dedicated air line feeding into the basement. That means something delicate is being stored. Hardison discovers that Moto bought a Stradivarius for $4.5 million. Sophie connects the dots -- Moto has made himself a patron of the arts to get in with the old money crowd in Boston. But that's his vulnerability. His father sent him out of the country when he was young, he was educated in Europe and the US, he don't even speak his national language. Moto's problem is that Wadatans see him as an outsider and Parker's problem is that she needs to see the vault in order to break in. Nate has a plan.

Hardison and Eliot mock up some news stories that have Moto disparaging Wadata. Moto has an uncomfortable video chat with his brother, claiming he's being set up. He says his brother is judging him from the presidential "throne," which disappoints the president. His flunky wonders if the president is setting Moto up, but he suspects the reporter. The flunky mentions a call from -- "Christy Connolly," our favorite expert in "perception management." She offers references from the dictators of Uzbekistan and Myanmar; she's rebranding them as effective modern CEOs and can do them same for Moto. He figures she's asking him to pull out the checkbook and open schools and clinics, but she laughs. That just reminds people of how much money he has. But if he helps a single child, that makes him a hero. She gives him a folder on "Timmy" (with a picture of Hardison), a young taxi driver who emigrated from Wadata with the dream of studying violin at the New England Conservatory. Moto will get him in. The poor want clinics and schools, but they need heroes. Moto likes the sounds of this.

Hardison tells Nate that he played the violin until he was fourteen, and he was pretty good. He gave it up when he discovered computers, which are much better at displaying pictures of naked girls. Nate needs Hardison to get Moto to take him to the vault. Hardison shows off all the hacker gear he's surreptitiously packing; all the data will go up on the big screen for Nate and Parker. And by the way, he was serious about running his own crew one day, so what does Nate think he's missing? Nate runs off to find Eliot, leaving Hardison to wonder if perhaps it's rudeness he lacks.

Christy and Timmy are meeting Moto, who's all set to make Timmy's dream come true. Timmy is reluctant; he's just working for his family. After getting beaten up in his cab, he finds it hard to buy into the dream. Moto decides to show him what can be achieved in America, so they go down to the vault. Hardison's button camera shows a retinal scanner, and then they're in the vault, and there's the Stradivarius. Hardison is so gobsmacked he almost breaks character until Sophie prods him. With all the technology in the world, they still can't make violins today that sound as good and no one knows why. There's a log entry for a delivery from Wadata that went into the locker "Allegro" -- all the boxes are named after musical terms. Sophie has to prod Hardison again to get the button camera pointed in the right direction.

Nate wants to know how the break-in will go. Parker says it can't be done. No video cameras, because they have to be watched by people who can fall asleep. It's a state-of-the-art Glen Reeder vault that uses unhackable motion sensors. Nate has her check the log to see when it gets turned off. They disabled the sensors when the orchestra played the 1812 Overture, since the vibrations could have set them off. Nate has some instructions for Sophie. Down in the vault, Sophie has a proposal. The rural areas don't have newspapers or television, only radio. So they host a concert for the president in the concert hall, featuring Timmy. Timmy tries to look grateful.

HQ. Hardison comes down the spiral staircase, fuming about the violin. Nate wonders if he was napping; they need to get down to work. Hardison is still flipping out. Nate is dismissive; Hardison said he played the violin. "As a child!" Yeah, but Hardison is Super Skull. That's Super Skrull, who combines that powers of the Fantastic Four, "one of whom is not Itzhak Perlman." Sophie arrives; she helped Moto pick out [Rimsky-]Korsakov's Scheherazade, based on the Arabian Nights. Sophie calls Scheherazade "one of literature's all-time great grifters." What Hardison knows is that it ends with a difficult violin solo, which he'll have to play. Sophie ratchets up the pressure: Moto is going to have him play the Stradivarius. And the conductor needs to see him in two hours. Hardison huffs out. Sophie glances at the metronome in front of Nate and asks if he picked up any new skills in jail. Nate just smiles and says she did pick out Hardison as the best candidate.

Concert hall. The conductor introduces himself to Timmy and lays out his interpretation of the piece. Time to rehearse. Before he can play, Timmy "gets a phone call" -- his mother was in an accident with a moped. The conductor is sure Timmy can play the piece, so he sends him off to see to his mother.

HQ. Parker eats cereal as she studies the plans of the concert hall. Nate arrives and she gives him a walkthrough. They have a door with a 6-digit key code; Sophie is working on that. She's at the concert hall, lugging a couple of bags of equipment. The flunkies help her out with them and inspect them; she asks them to be gentle with the sensitive lens. Eliot, dressed as a maintenance man, walks past them and reaches the door. He sprays the keypad with something. Moto's flunky comes up and asks what he's doing in an off-limits area. Eliot gripes about getting the run-around and has to call his supervisor. He uses his phone as a mirror to watch as the flunky enters the code; he gets the first two numbers, then runs a black light to see which keys were touched for the rest. Parker will need time to go through the various combinations. Eliot will have to take care of the guard while she does. They don't have time to hack the retinal scanner, so Parker suggests blowing a hole in the ceiling of the vault. Hardison comes in. Nate figures they exit by blending with the crowd. Parker disagrees. This is a concert for a foreign dignitary, with Secret Service protection. They can't blow a hole in the floor without being detected. Hardison can't do his part, either. Nate has the idea of timing the heist with the music. They'd need their own conductor to get the tempo right.

Concert hall. Empty but for Hardison, who is making unfortunate sounds with a violin. Parker comes in wearing maintenance coveralls; she's establishing her cover and doing a walk-through. She has stopped in to give him a pep talk, wherein she lays out how everything depends on Hardison being able to play. She's trying to give him some adrenaline action; that's what she uses. Hardison is worried that adrenaline will cause him to break the fragile violin. So she gives him a reassuring arm punch and leaves.

The concert hall fills with musicians and audience members. Moto introduces the president to Ms. Connolly. He's looking forward to some positive press. Nate is setting up in a secluded space backstage when he gets a phone call from the Italian woman. He needs to meet her in the prop room pronto. The concert begins. Hardison fakes playing the orchestral portion. The Italian woman wants Nate to remove an envelope from Moto's safe and leave another behind. It's a link to Damien Moreau.

The orchestra plays; Hardison fakes it. Parker and Eliot collect their gear in a janitor's cart. Nate gets them ready to move, based on the conductor's tempo; he's following the sheet music backstage. And -- go! Sophie heads up some stairs with a bag; she's wearing latex gloves. A janitor, with his head down, rolls a mop past the guard station. Moto's flunky looks at him and heads around the corner where he came from. Parker starts trying codes. The flunky sees Eliot standing guard. The two of them get ready to duke it out. The flunky runs and body-blocks Eliot in the wall. He spots Parker and tosses her away from the door. Eliot gets up and engages. Parker recovers and tries more combinations. She gets through as Eliot drops the flunky. Nate has to jump the schedule. Parker lays out det cord while Eliot deals with the revived flunky. Parker finishes and Eliot kicks the flunky into the circle of det cord. Nate gives the signal and Parker blows the floor on the crash of the cymbals. The flunky falls down into the vault. Nate grabs his envelope and runs for the vault. Parker removes the diamonds from the locker. Nate drops into the vault and gets her to open the locker with the envelope.

Hardison's moment of truth has come. He looks up to Sophie in the audience for a reprieve, but she just smiles. He stands and plays a lovely, delicate solo. Down in the vault, the team is transfixed as the solo reaches its apex. The crowd stands and applauds. The motion sensor re-engages -- with Nate, Parker and Eliot down in the vault. Alarms sound.

Parker wonders why Nate's in the vault. He'll explain once they're out. Only a guard pulls the rope up through the hole in the ceiling. Eliot wants to know the plan. Nate is working on it. Sophie have any input? She suggests stalling. Hardison mentions that Moto and the president have left their seats. Nate instructs him to keep his cover. Moto and the president arrive in the vault, trailed by a guard who helps the dusty flunky stand up. Moto diagnoses a robbery; his men will handle it. The flunky heads for Eliot, but Moto meant they should call the police. See? He has it under control, so no need for his brother to be involved. Nate asks the president if he'd like to hear how Moto lured him here to be assassinated. Moto deigns to be entertained. Nate points out how poignant it would be, Moto mourning over his brother's body while Wadata listens on the radio. He claims to be from the CIA, collecting the names of terrorists that Moto supplies for money "at his leisure." The president decides he has ignored the rumors long enough. Moto claims it's a story. The president says then he can open the envelope. Moto is stuck -- he can't open the envelope, it isn't his.

A Secret Service agent enters, followed by Sophie, who joins the others. He tells the president that they found a rifle in the projection room with a print on the scope. Flashback to the flunkies inspecting Sophie's gear at the concert hall, handling a sensitive "lens." Another flashback to Sophie setting up the rifle while wearing latex gloves. The president accuses his brother of being behind the attempt. The Secret Service drag him off as he claims it was "Christy"'s doing. The president nods to Nate and then looks at the flunkies. They leave with him.

Parker wonders how Nate knew what was in the envelope. He was bluffing. Backstage, Nate gives the envelope to the Italian woman. She remarks that it's unopened. Nate deduces that the envelope doesn't connect with Moreau; if it did, she would have handed it over. No, it connects to the Italian woman. That's how she knew it was there. She claims that doing good sometimes involves doing bad things. Nate thinks his bad guys have more honor than she ever will. He warns her not to play him again.

Jane happily tells Nate and Eliot that her article is now published. Nate figures the assassination charges won't stick, but they did result in a search of the vault, which revealed the smuggled diamonds. So Moto's not going to be president. Nate gives her a check. Jane doesn't want money from the diamonds, but it turns out the team wound up with a Stradivarius on their hands. Maybe she could set up a music foundation for the kids. Nate gives Eliot credit for the idea and leaves them.

Parker, Hardison and Sophie are at the bar. Parker guesses Hardison had a recording hidden in the violin. Hardison protests that's not how you treat a Stradivarius. Parker still can't believe his violin skillz, and neither can Hardison. Nate joins them, saying "That's because I hypnotized you." He regressed Hardison to his violin-playing years. Flashback to Nate speaking to a slumped Hardison as the metronome ticks; he asks what piece Hardison played last and hears "Scheherazade." Flashback to Nate asking Hardison if he was napping. Flashback to Nate telling Sophie she identified Hardison as the best candidate. Sophie confesses that she can pick out a candidate for hypnosis. Hardison tells Nate that hypnosis is something you do to a mark, not your crew. Nate says you do whatever you need to in order to get the best performance out of your team. That willingness is the quality Hardison lacks to do Nate's job. Hardison leaves. Parker follows.

Comments: The New England Conservatory of Music is real and justly famous.

There's a moment after the rope is pulled up where Parker is at an open locker. This could be when she restores the diamonds, to be found by the police search of the vault. Or the team put them back after the president left them in possession of the vault.

I'm not sure who the first janitor was -- the one who walked past the guard post with his hat pulled down. He was going the wrong way to be Eliot.

The Inside Job

2010-07-20T11:50:00.002-04:00

Wakefield Agricultural Corporation. 7:00 a.m. 27th floor. An alarm blatts. Parker evades a bunch of security guards in the hallways.

Nate watches the local news as he cooks breakfast. Sophie enters and points out that the apartment is their headquarters, but Nate figures since he sleeps upstairs, he gets use of the facilities. Sophie sits on the counter and Nate gives her a sample of what he learned after six months in the prison kitchens. Apparently, prison food is underrated. Sophie thinks she should have gotten Nate to make her breakfast ages ago. Nate wonders if they'll ever talk about the kiss. Sophie doesn't remember a kiss, but she remembers a slap. A phone call interrupts the conversation. A stranger warns Nate that Parker is in trouble. She went in alone and she's dealing with a Steranko security system. The stranger is on the building across the street. There are voices behind him and apparently the call ends. Sophie is outraged that Parker took an outside job without even saying anything. They need to get the rest of the team to Parker's place. She's still dodging security in the Wakefield building. The guy in the Steranko control room is confident they'll succeed in time.

Nate and Sophie pull up to a warehouse. Sophie doesn't believe Parker lives there, but Nate says the Central Square address is a dummy. She has half-a-dozen fake addresses. Sophie is hurt by the lack of trust. The door is locked with a keypad. Sophie gives it a try and it works; it's Sophie's real name. Nate still hasn't earned it yet.

In the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse, six lights shine down on a bed and several storage units. Sophie is astonished by Parker's sense of interior design. There's a Post-It that reads "Archie" on a glass wall. Hardison and Eliot arrived. Hardison is also amazed by Parker's living quarters, but this is what Eliot expected. Nate wonders why they didn't arrive first, and Eliot confesses they went to the Central Square address. Flashback to them facing a burly, bearded man in a Sailor Moon costume (complete with wig). Hardison and Eliot still seem traumatized by the encounter.

Nate has everyone look at the material Parker has laid out on a counter. Sophie is impressed by the organization. Nate shows Hardison what Parker's up against. He's aghast that she'd tackle a Steranko by herself. Sophie begs for enlightenment. Eliot doesn't understand how she can not know what a Steranko is. Sophie points out that grifters talk their marks into turning off the security. Hardison explains that it has the kind of computer that can play chess hooked up to all kinds of detectors; it learns to respond to your actions. Nate wants to know if Hardison can hack it and he is flabbergasted. Nate asks if he can do it for Parker. Hardison gathers his thoughts and says he can't even attempt it remotely. Okay, so they have to get Hardison into the building. Nate pulls the building name off a page on the wall, and the crew heads out to steal Parker.

The van pulls up near the Wakefield building. Sophie and Hardison climb out the side door; Nate is in the passenger seat with the window rolled down. Hardison explains that Wakefield is a big cereal company; they got hit by the downturn and had some bad investments; Rushing, the CEO, is fending off takeover attempts. Eliot arrives with a perimeter report: the lobby is the only access point. He's not happy about the daylight and the improvising. Nate deduces the location of the stranger who called. Eliot will come with him, while Sophie will get Hardison into Wakefield to tackle the Steranko. She pulls out some suits and tells Hardison that grifters don't sneak in unnoticed.

In the control room, Rushing and Dr. Hannity fret to Voorhees (the security guy) that the intruder is still free. Voorhees assures them that the intruder is trapped on the upper floors. They can't afford a lockdown or even the rumor of a break-in. Rushing has weekly auditors and calls from bankers all over the world. His phone buzzes and he discovers he has two more auditors downstairs now. He tells Voorhees to take care of the matter discreetly. Voorhees proposes a floor-by-floor check; it will take 50 minutes. Rushing agrees and leaves. Voorhees assures Dr. Hannity that the situation is under control, and she leaves, too.

Downstairs, Rushing greets the two auditors from London: "Emily Peel" and "Jonathan Steed." On the roof of the building across the street, Nate and Eliot find the helpful stranger. Nate recognizes him, and introduces Eliot to Archie Leach, the world's greatest thief. Two guys with guns run up behind them. Nate gives Eliot the nod and he takes them out while Archie and Nate catch up. Archie helps finish off a guy who won't stay down. Nate observes they're not his, then. Archie says he's a hostage and Parker is rescuing him. Because he's her father.

In a big conference room, Sophie demands to see all the department heads in five minutes. Meanwhile, Mr. Steed needs a private office with computer access. Rushing tries to cavil, but Sophie threatens him and he caves. His assistant takes Mr. Steed to an office.

Archie clarifies that he's not Parker's biological father. She lifted his wallet in New York twelve years ago and he took her under his wing. Flashback to a young Parker tumbling through a field of lasers to reach an ice cream sundae on a central pedestal. She looks back at Archie, who's holding a spoon. Young Parker tumbles back through the field, holding the sundae in one hand. Archie claims credit for shaping her. Nate scolds him for not taking her in. Archie shows him a family picture; Parker wouldn't have fit in with them.

Eliot accuses him of sending Parker into Wakefield. Archie says the client found him in retirement and threatened to kill his grandchildren if he didn't steal a canister. They provided blueprints and codes. Archie called Parker for help with the planning, but she went in herself. Nate sends Eliot to get ready; when Hardison finds a door, Eliot will get Parker through it. Hardison is in the company computer. Nate lends Archie an earbud. Hardison can't hack the Steranko with wi-fi since the cables are shielded, so he drills into the wall where the cable runs. He's in, but for how long? Nate commands Sophie to create chaos. Sophie fires all the suits. Dr. Hannity protests that she can't fire them. Sophie assures them she can. But anyone who can convince her that they're necessary can be hired back today. Chaos ensues as everyone starts talking at once.

Hardison reports. The not-so-bad news is that the Steranko is only running at level 1 (levels 2-4 are reserved for fire, terrorist takeover and hazmat containment breach). Parker just has to avoid doors, security devices and guards. Eliot calls it a lobster trap -- easy in, no out. Nate asks about the perimeter and Eliot says it's closed up. He figures the executives would resent giving up privacy, so Hardison's going to find a hole in the Steranko's coverage. Now they have to find Parker. Hardison points out that the whole building is looking for Parker, so he can't use the system to find her. They have to wait for Parker to send a signal and hope they get to her first.

Parker is crawling through an air duct when she sees something on the sides. There are laser tripwires. Not good. She climbs out of the duct, steals a white coat, glasses and badge, and ducks into a cubicle. Down the hall, guards do retina verification of identity with a handheld scanner. Her cell phone is jammed, so she uses a landline to call Hardison's cell. She starts to fill him in but he tells her the team is already on it. He realizes she's calling from a company phone. She thinks she's safe because she has an ID, but he tells her about the retina scans. And now the Steranko has found her, she has 30 seconds to skedaddle. He sends her to cubicle 27 pronto.

Nate has found watermarks on the plans; they came from the company. Nate has Sophie check the room full of babbling suits for anything that stands out, and she observes that Dr. Hannity is very calm. Hardison looks her up; she's head of biotech with access to the Steranko and the vault Parker was trying to crack. Archie and Nate deduce that she's in on the job. Archie continues the line of thought: an inside job only works if they tie off loose ends, so they'll kill Parker if they catch her. Archie starts to panic, but Hardison says it's covered. Flashback to Hardison sending a package through interoffice mail. Parker gets the package at cubicle 27 and Hardison turns on the earbud inside. She asks for Archie and he scolds her for going in. She knows he would have gotten caught, and they would have hurt him or his family. He tells her to keep her focus, and to stand up and look around. Everyone is stealing office supplies.

A suit shows up, acting like he knows her, so she asks who he is. Turns out cubicle 135 in Marketing has been sexting with cubicle 27, and now that everyone's getting laid off, he just had to see her in person. They get swept off to someone's severance party. Archie asks Hardison if he's found an exit. Hardison has a hole in security: the CEO's office on floor 38. Eliot needs to get up there. "You want me to climb a forty story building in broad daylight?" he growls. Yes, Nate does. Now. Fortunately, Eliot finds some window cleaners just unloading from their van.

Hardison reports that Hannity spent $60 million on some superwheat that no one wants. Nate tells Sophie to get rid of everyone but Hannity and get her mad. In the conference room, it's just Dr. Hannity and a very condescending Sophie, who pooh-poohs her resume and accomplishments. Dr. Hannity explains that five companies control the world's agriculture, based primarily on wheat. There's a blight called Ug99; modern wheat has no immunity. If the blight attacks, the wheat dies and it's famine time. Anyone who can control the food supply will increase market share. Dr. Hannity has created a strain of wheat that has resistance. If they knew what strain would hit the food supply and when, they'd make billions. She stalks out.

Archie thinks he was hired to steal the wheat, but Nate realizes the job was to steal the blight. Dr. Hannity has the blight in order to test the wheat's immunity. She wants it to get out. Hardison matches the container for the blight with the container Archie was told to steal. Nate needs to think, but Archie wants to get everyone out, especially Parker. He tells her to run out the front door. Nate tells her the entrance is a bottleneck. Parker is trapped in the severance party. Hardison has control of some doors, but the Steranko keeps taking them back. He sends her to an open door to the stairway. No one uses the stairs, so they aren't as dangerous as elevators. Sophie wants to do something about Dr. Hannity. Parker arrives at Rushing's office and Eliot's ready to bust through the window, but Parker says she can't leave. Eliot and Archie yell at her, but Parker realizes that Hannity can now steal the blight and blame it on her, since the Steranko has a record of her break-in. She needs to steal the blight to keep it from Hannity. Archie tells her they don't get involved, but Parker says that's what he does. Taking down Hannity is what the team does.

Hardison urges them to make up their minds, because the Steranko is stomping him. Parker says she knows what she did wrong in the vault before; she just needs a path back there and she can pull it off. She's not alone this time. Nate gives her the go-ahead. Archie is furious; he thinks Nate will get her killed. Parker walks out of the office and runs into a security guard, who pulls his gun. Parker circles him, trying to bluff, but he doesn't buy it. Fortunately, Eliot comes up behind him and takes him out. (Parker's way out = Eliot's way in.) She smiles and he just waves her to get going. Parker demands options from Hardison and he gives them a door to a stairwell. They go through and find guards climbing up. Eliot growls at Hardison to keep the guards off them and Hardison asks him if he wants the hacker job. Eliot asks if Hardison wants his job as he takes on the guards. Parker heads upstairs. Hardison tells them to get to the biotech level. Eliot tells Parker she's going the wrong way but Parker says she knows what she's doing.

In the control room, Voorhees gets off the phone and tells Hannity she was right; the auditors are fakes. Leach is double-crossing them. Voorhees can't reach his babysitters. Hannity figures they sit on Archie until they catch the thief, then dispose of everyone. Voorhees goes to work on that.

Hardison is urging Parker and Eliot to move; he's got a door on the biotech floor. Parker asks Eliot how much he weighs, but he's not telling. So she rides the rope down alone. Eliot will have to meet her, and bring a retinal scanner. Hardison says he got them an elevator, but now he's out. Nate tells him to get Sophie and clear out. Nate makes a phone call. Hannity arrives at an empty conference room and storms out. Voorhees checks the office where "Steed" was working, but no joy.

On the biotech level, Eliot busts through some resistance with Parker on his heels. Her sexting pal wanders onto the scene and she keeps Eliot from pounding him. "Who's that guy?" he wonders. "Boyfriend," reveals Parker, and leaves. The suit is suitably deflated not to get her number. Parker wants to know what sexting is, but Eliot's in no mood to chat. They arrive at the vault. Parker uses the handheld scanner from Eliot to beat the retinal scanner, then opens the compartment with the blight. Eliot is ready to get out of there. Then alarms go off and the Steranko goes to level 4 -- hazmat containment. Parker and Eliot run.

Fire trucks pull up to the Wakefield building, followed by news crews. Nate lifts a hazmat suit from a truck but Archie pulls a gun on him, accusing him of getting Parker killed. Nate tells him they'd both die to protect her, and he has work to do. Archie realizes that Nate's going in for her. Nate hands him a hazmat suit and says he always intended to.

In the control room, Voohees and Hannity see Sophie and Hardison taking hazmat suits. Steranko doesn't have elevator 3 locked down, but Voorhees can use the call button to catch them in the lobby. Rushing is trying to control the chaos downstairs. Voorhees summons the rogue elevator and pulls a gun on the four suited people inside (the front one holding the canister of blight). He and Hannity step into the elevator. Upstairs, Hannity and Voorhees march the four prisoners out on an empty floor. Archie, holding the canister, pulls off his hood. Hannity accuses him of welching on their deal and Archie accuses her of trying to kill him. He wants more money now. Hannity counters: she takes the blight, Voorhees shoots them and puts their bodies in "the very expensive incinerators" in the basement. The police are no obstacle; Archie will take the blame for the theft. And when the famine materializes in six months, Wakefield will be the only company ready for it. So, how do they want to get shot?

Archie demurs. The rest of the group take off their hoods; it's the reporter from the morning news with her crew. She holds the microphone out to Hannity and asks for comment -- they're live. One of the guys in back shows his camera. Flashback to Nate telling Hardison to fake a hazmat alert; Hardison does it, which locks him out after he delivers the elevator and the door on the biotech floor. Another flashback to Nate persuading the reporter to take her crew into the building. Another flashback to Parker and Eliot arriving at the elevator to hand over the canister, while Hardison lifts Nate out through the trap door in the elevator's ceiling. Final flashback of Voorhees and Hannity stepping onto the elevator.

Hannity starts to realize that her scheme has been blown wide open. Behind the news crew, she sees the window washing platform descend with the team aboard. (Parker's way out = team's way out.)

Archie and Nate say their farewells in an underpass. Nate steps away and Archie compliments Parker on her team. He knows she did it for his family; he wishes he had, um -- Parker hugs him and says she wouldn't have fit in anyway. They say goodbye. Only Archie would like his wallet back first. Parker tosses it to him and walks off with Nate.

Comments: Wakefield is a town north of Boston on Route 128. Boston doesn't have a Channel 6. Archie Leach is the birth name of Cary Grant.

The Reunion Job

2010-07-20T11:48:00.002-04:00

Boston. Apartment. Free Iran poster and family pictures of people in Arabic dress. A young man types frantically at a keyboard. Two masked men burst into his apartment. He tries to shutdown his workstation as they pull him away. One man waves a device in front of the computer; the screen goes dark, then he grabs the computer and runs. The other masked man punches the young programmer and follows.

In the bar, the programmer (now sporting a black eye) tells Nate and Hardison that he lost all his work when he was close to cracking Manticore, the security system used by the Iranian government to track dissidents through cell phones, social networks and email. It turns the Internet against the underground. His movement is planning a protest to coincide with the elections, but if Manticore is still up, they'll all be arrested. He can't go to the FBI because he'd lose his student visa. Nate says they'll talk about it, and the young programmer leaves.

Hardison questions Nate's lack of commitment and Nate says this is "so not our game." Hardison protests that it is: a guy who could make a fortune working for high tech instead tries to bring down the bad guys. From the booth behind Nate, Eliot observes that it wasn't the Iranian secret police who busted him up. Apparently neither Nate nor Hardison realized he was back there. Eliot joins them for easier conversation. Nate wants to know if Eliot is lurking now. Eliot points out that lurking is his job. Anyway, if the Iranian secret police had gone after our young programming friend, he wouldn't be walking around now. Nate figures they're still a good starting point, so start looking for their safe houses. Hardison is surprised to find him on board. Nate says they were always taking the case; he just wanted Hardison to explain why. Hardison doesn't appreciate being gamed.

Eliot and Hardison are health department inspectors, investigating the cafe which is the local safe house of the Iranian secret police. The manager says they were just inspected and everything's fine; he speaks to a couple of guys and one locks a door in the back room. A customer (Sophie) "finds" a giant cockroach on her plate and the few diners disappear. The health inspectors are on the case. Eliot lags to feed the location of the locked room to Parker. Sophie asks him to take care of the roach for her, but he just grins and says, "I think he likes you." Sophie promises consequences and leaves.

Parker comes through the air vent to the the locked room and tumbles in. She likes the way this particular den of evil smells; maybe Hardison should confiscate some pastries. Parker plugs into the computer, feeding Hardison's minicomputer and a system in the van that Nate is monitoring. Nate finds something that talks about Manticore, but the programmer's code isn't there. Parker finds a payment ledger in a desk drawer. Eliot finds health code violations. The most recent payment was three weeks ago, which is the time of the last Manticore update. And who was the payment to?

Meet Larry Duberman, founder and CEO of Dubertech, author of the book on "digital database security" in the 90s and now a multimillionaire. Eliot brings Sophie a tea tray and pours; she pats his arm and wonders why Duberman is dealing with Iran if he doesn't need the money. Hardison says he does; he's losing market share to newer technologies. Dealing technology to dictators gives him tax-free income. Eliot puts sugar in Sophie's tea and she pats his arm again. Hardison calls Duberman "the IT department for the axis of evil." Nate realizes Duberman went after their client. Eliot squeezes lemon into Sophie's tea and observes that the attack was motivated by business, not politics. The master control server for Manticore is in Duberman's office; if they shut that down, they shut down Manticore in Iran. Unfortunately, Hardison can't just hack the server remotely; Duberman's security is too good. Nate sees the article on Duberman's Japanese art collections and asks if anyone has trimmed a bonsai. Naturally, Eliot has. He dated a Japanese police woman in Osaka, but Nate doesn't want to hear the details. Parker asks Sophie why Eliot is pouring her tea. "Did you brainwash him again?" Sophie says it's neuro-linguistic programming: suggestions of sugar and squeezing, some pats on the arm. She pats Eliot's arm again and he starts to pour more tea, then stops as he hears what she's saying. Sophie claims payback for the roach.

At Dubertech headquarters, a flunky tells Duberman that the quarterly results are disappointing. Duberman figures he'll just jack up the price for the Iranians. The flunky worries that they'll balk, but Duberman says it's not like they can go to McAfee or Oracle; those companies are "too soft to get into the suppression business." Eliot the Maintenance Man bumps into him and spills dirt from a bonsai plant. Duberman is irate and fires him. The flunky escorts him off and Eliot plants a bug on him. Hardison and Parker, also dressed as maintenance staff, come over to clean up; Parker lifts Duberman's key card while brushing him off and lifts a fingerprint from the bonsai pot with tape. They head up to Duberman's office and Parker lets them in.

Duberman's private office is straight out of high school. Hardison finds the Manticore server -- it's Duberman's high school computer. He pulls out a toolkit and connects the server to his mini, then starts to work with the obsolete technology. Downstairs, a guard shows the flunky a security breach in Duberman's office. Parker warns Hardison. There are layers of passwords on the system, but Hardison's hacker program has only gotten through some of them. There's a beep. "Is that a good beep or a bad beep?" Parker wants to know. Hardison says it's bad. He hasn't gotten the master password. The last password he cracked was "L33R15L06". Nate and Sophie recognize a high school locker combination. Security is heading for the office. Hardison finishes copying data and heads out with Parker. The security guys and the flunky arrive at the office. While their backs are turned, the two Japanese costumes (with ceramic head masks) sidle out.

In the bar, the team has Duberman's old high school yearbook (purchased from the Internet) and find the references that match Duberman's passwords. Clearly he's obsessed with high school. Nate and Sophie easily diagnose Bullied Nerd Syndrome. Parker feels bad for the nerd, but Eliot's says that's no excuse. Hardison was bullied and he didn't turn out to be a criminal. Not a bad criminal. Hardison protests the bullied assumption, which Eliot starts to defend. Nate cuts them off and points out that Duberman is using his high school as a Roman room. "Of course," says Parker. Nate asks her what a Roman room is, but she doesn't know. It's a memory technique; his passwords are taken from a space he knows intimately. Nate could use the bar as a Roman room. Parker thinks Nate is revealing his passwords, but Hardison already has them and offers to show her Nate's Netflix queue. Nate says they need to break into the high school, as of 1985. Hardison looks it up and finds that the class of 1985 will have it's 25th reunion in 8 months.

Sophie works the phones and the voices to get the reunion moved up to the end of the month. As the Iranians protest the price hike on their maintenance contract via video conference, Duberman gets a call from his "high school reunion committee." He brushes off the Iranians to take it. Sophie lures him to the reunion. He commits. The flunky points out that it conflicts with his meeting with the Iranians, but Duberman feels his success is worthless if he can't flaunt it before his former classmates.

High school gym, dressed up for the reunion. Parker, playing waitstaff, marvels at all the awkward pictures from time past. In the van with Nate, Hardison tells her she was lucky to have missed high school. Parker asks if he went to his prom, but he confesses to being "kinda busy." Flashback to a brace-faced Hardison using the Icelandic Savings and Loan to pay off Nana's medical bills. Outside of Dubertech, Eliot grumps about being "stuck on goon patrol" while everyone else gets to play at the reunion. Nate assigns him the job of taking down Manticore once Hardison gives him the password; Hardison will be busy. Hardison figures Eliot already did the Big Man on Campus thing in high school. Flashback to Eliot the quarterback in home ec, receiving some personal instruction on how to use a knife from a buxom teacher in a low-necked dress. The flunky emerges from Dubertech and Eliot clobbers him, steals his key card and hides him in the bushes.

Duberman prepares to take the reunion by storm. He's greeted by the school mascot, which chants "Badger, badger, badger 85!" Time to circulate. Sophie is pretending to be Grace Peltz, aka "Pizza-Faced Grace." Duberman chats her up. Nate appears on the scene as Drake MacIntyre and quickly becomes a center of attention. Flashback to Nate and Sophie picking out Duberman's nemesis. Nate points to Drake and figures he can pass as him. Hardison arranges to give the real Drake two tickets to the Patriots game in Miami. "Yo, Doucherman!" yells the ersatz Drake. Duberman pretends disdain and escorts Grace to the refreshments. Nate urges Hardison to give him something to work with to keep up his cover. Hardison works the Internet for info on the classmates and gets a little personally involved. Drake has a narrow escape with an old drinking buddy, whose name tag just says "Schmitty." Hardison can't find anything, so Parker has to steal his yearbook to make the connection.

Duberman and Grace wander down a hallway. Grace points to Mrs. Zabranski's room. Duberman remembers getting a wedgie from Pat Brander in front of his whole homeroom class. Eliot tries BRANDER as a password, with no luck, but BRANDER303 gets him into the payroll system. Drake joins them to wind Duberman up. He's about to get into an important memory when they're joined by Nikki, who heads for Duberman. Apparently she and Drake had a thing in high school. Hardison has a dozen possible Nikkis to work through. Drake tries to send her off for drinks but she drags him off for a makeout session in a supply closet. Drake says he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, so she locks him in the closet. He calls for Parker to come let him out. Back at Duberman's office, someone starts cutting through the office door. Eliot announces that the Iranians are coming.

Nate wonders what the Iranians are up to. Parker springs him and passes on that she heard a bunch of ladies saying Drake was the best they ever had. Grace is still chatting with Duberman when Nikki closes in on him again. She claims to have ditched Drake to concentrate on Duberman and "accidentally" spills her drink on Grace's dress. Duberman endorses Nikki's suggestion that she wash it off, saying they have all evening. So she goes. Nikki wants to show Duberman the girls' shower room.

Sophie meets Nate and Parker, complaining about "that slut." Nate decides that they're not going to get Duberman to reveal the password, so they need to escalate. Hardison breaks in to tell them that all the possible Nikkis are accounted for, so this Nikki is a fraud. He does the face matching thing and discovers she's Miranda Miles, a hired gun. The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again -- they lured Duberman to an unsecure location, making him easy to hit. Nate has Sophie and Parker split up to find him.

Eliot warns the others as the Iranians finish cutting a hole in the door. The cafe manager looks through and sees -- the health inspector? Eliot shrugs,"I'm gonna have to dock you again." The door opens and the fighting commences. Hardison realizes the Iranians hired the assassin to take out Duberman while they raided his office. Eliot has to keep them away from the server. He's working on it, but these guys are tough.

Nikki interrupts her makeout session with Duberman by pulling a gun. He tries to negotiate, but she has her reputation to consider, so she screws on the silencer. Fortunately Grace appears on the scene with a fire extinguisher and whomps her with it. The ladies take off their shoes to duke it out while Duberman flees the scene. Sophie has a little resentment against cheerleaders and mean girls to work out, plus she's using the fire extinguisher to block Nikki's blows. Eliot keeps hammering away at the Iranians. Finally Sophie clubs Nikki with the fire extinguisher and runs for it. Nikki recovers her gun and shoots, but misses.

Duberman runs down the hallway. Nikki finds him and points the gun. Drake intervenes, standing between them. She threatens to shoot him, too, but he asks her to wait just three seconds. Which is how long they need for Parker to taser her. Duberman is willing to let Drake call him "Doucherman" all he wants now. Drake wasn't even as bad as Pat Brander. Nate assumes Pat is a "he" so Duberman grabs Nikki's gun. He's not getting fooled again tonight.

Sophie joins Nate. She reveals that Grace Peltz is fictional, created just to flatter him. Duberman thinks they're in cahoots to kill him, too, but Nate explains that they're working on behalf of the young programmer he had beaten up. Duberman pulls out his phone to call the police, but Nate says they already did. Now their man in Duberman's office will destroy Manticore and that will be it. Duberman doesn't believe they can do it, but they claim to have figured out his password from the hallway. Sophie drops a few of the early passwords to show him what they know. Duberman is still in denial, but he uses his phone to change the password. So now they lose.

Eliot clobbers the Iranians and enters BADGER85 as the password. Hardison tells him to shut it down, just like he showed him, and Eliot does. He has to hit an Iranian one last time but gets through the job and leaves. Duberman is astonished to get an alert on his phone that Manticore is down. He can't believe they know the new password, but Nate says it's BADGER85. They made him use that one. Flashback to Eliot and the tea and neuro-linguistic programming, then all the instances of "badge," "eight" and "five" that they laid on Duberman throughout the evening, along with a couple of taps from Sophie for reinforcement. (Parker was the badger mascot.) Duberman is horrfied to learn that he was hacked and runs off with the gun. Nate reminds him they did save his life.

In the gym, Schmitty is dismayed to find they're out of beer. Duberman bursts through some balloons waving the gun, but the FBI are on hand to arrest him. In front of the class of 1985. Duberman breaks down, yelling "I'm better than you!" Between the files Eliot mailed and the ledger from the cafe, Nate and Sophie are sure Duberman will be locked up for a long time. Hardison has tipped off the client, who is finally able to call home. Nate and Sophie are ready to leave, but they're voted king and queen of the reunion. Hardison and Parker (hanging from the ceiling) disclaim all responsibility. Grace and Drake have to dance. Nate wonders if they would have been a couple in high school. Parker glides down from the ceiling in her harness; Hardison slow dances with her while her feet dangle above the floor. Eliot, coming out of the door at Dubertech, gripes that no one is checking to see if he made it out safely. The clobbered flunky staggers to his feet and Eliot clobbers him again.

Comments: In 1985, high-end disk drives did about 7 I/Os per second and computer memory was measured in bytes. Not kilobytes and certainly not megabytes. Bytes. This is why oldtimers are unimpressed with fancy-pants modern programmers who have no concept of stack management. They were programming uphill both ways through the snow, dagnabbit.

The Jailhouse Job

2010-07-20T11:46:00.001-04:00

Downtown. Corridor in a tall building. A business-like Sophie is alone in a hallway. "Thirty seconds. Call it." Out on the sidewalk, Eliot reports on two FBI men in windbreakers taking up position outside the door. Hardison the janitor runs a floor buffer with one hand while using the phone in his other hand to spoof a camera and get ready to lock down an elevator. If he knew which one. His question rouses Parker from her nap, hanging upside down in the peaceful elevator shaft. She's a go for elevator 1.

Sophie "slips" on the suds from Hardison's floor buffer right in front of the elevators and the FBI guy on guard. She lifts his gun while he helps her collect her scattered papers, then scolds Hardison for his lack of pylons. He wanders off, presumably to find some. He's already unzipping his coveralls to reveal a suit underneath.

Double doors open. Nate, wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and shackles, shambles out of a courtroom with a police guard. The FBI guy joins them and they get on the elevator, Nate in back and the two guards in front. "Incoming," Sophie warns.

Parker, in harness, steps onto the descending elevator. Nate notices something on the roof but his guards are oblivious. Parker lifts the hatch and drops in between Nate and his guards. She tasers the police guard. The FBI guy reaches for his missing gun and gets tasered in turn. Parker picks the locks on Nate's shackles. He observes that she could get the key from the guards, but she knows her way is faster.

Back down on the sidewalk, a suited Hardison sets off the car alarm on the FBI's black SUV. The two outside FBI men go over to investigate and Eliot takes them out. One winds up thrown into traffic and rolls over a car. Sophie drives up as Parker and Nate come out the door and everyone hops in. Except Nate.

Rockford Correctional Facility. Sophie is talking to Nate on a prison phone. "What do you mean, no?" Nate says it's a horrible plan and the timing doesn't work. And they record these calls. Sophie waves her cell phone. A wire leads into the phone jack on her side; Hardison is feeding a Spanish soap opera into the recording system while the earbud network is feeding into the phone. He and Eliot are at Leverage Headquarters (formerly Nate's apartment) while Sophie is pitching Nate the great escape. Cut to the guard station, where Sophie's on camera talking to Nate, but we hear Spanish. Parker arrives at HQ and Eliot reports that Nate isn't up for it. He tells Nate that they're square since Nate took the fall for them ("After lying to us," interjects Hardison), so now Nate has to let them do this for him. Parker points out that the escape has to be at a hearing, since the prison is escape-proof.

Nate is determined to serve out the sentence for his crimes. Sophie scoffs, then asks, "Did you get the kielbasa?" Nate waves a little beribboned package. Sophie reveals that it's hiding an earbud. Nate reiterates that they are not to bust him out. Hardison is fine with that. They're on the outside, helping people. If Nate wants to appease his guilty conscience, he can stay in jail. He ends the earbud portion of the call. Sophie stands up to leave, and Nate calls her by name to try to get her to sit down again. She tells him that she's going by her real name now, but she declines to tell him what it is.

Conference room in the jail. A guard hands Nate's dossier to Mr. Worth, who slides it across the table to an interpreter. "This the man you want?" The interpreter shows the photo to a woman standing in the shadows in the hallway; there are also two flunkies standing guard. "Si," she says. The translator requests all their records on him. Mr. Worth points out that private facilities don't follow the same regulations as public ones. The Italian woman replies (via translation) that they won't be getting any warrants or paperwork, but if they don't comply, they'll be under investigation by the state and the feds. So the warden had better comply. Mr. Worth protests that he's not a warden, he's the CEO of this company, five prisons big and all his doing. The Italian woman switches to English and pretends to be impressed as she lights a cigarette. Then she threatens his empire with a metaphor.

Down in gen pop, Billy the library guy rolls his cart of books over to Nate and hands him a book he requested. Nate thanks Billy, who figures they all have to stick together. Billy rolls the cart out a door and two tough-looking guys follow. Nate warns a guard that something is going to go down, but the guard tells him to run along. Nate follows Billy, who's getting roughed up by a tough guy. The tough guy pulls a shiv. Nate grabs a pillowcase from a laundry cart, hoods the tough guy and thumps him into the wall. Naturally the guy drops the shiv, so Nate collects it. The other tough guy, who was playing lookout, comes after them, but Nate closes a door to cut off pursuit. He and Billy go through the kitchen into a walkin freezer, as Billy explains that he found a dead gangbanger and since the guards said no one else was around, the gang thinks he did it.

Nate doesn't understand why he's not in protective custody. Billy doesn't understand why he's in prison; he just drove up to see his girlfriend in New Hampshire with beer in the trunk. Which, surprise, is illegal. He thought it would just be a fine, so he didn't have a lawyer, and now he's in jail for 8 months. Nate pulls out his kielbasa and starts to unwrap it. No, that's not a euphemism but Billy is wondering if it should be. Nate extracts his earbud and calls Hardison, who isn't having it. Since Nate rejected their overtures, Hardison is spending some "me time" building an RC helicopter. Nate has him look up Billy's record, which confirms his story. Also, the warden was consulted on the sentence, which is not usual. Nate assures Billy -- who has been more than a little puzzled by Nate's recent behavior -- that they'll look into the situation. Also, he's sorry. He then shanks Billy right above his middle button (presumably missing various internal organs) and tells Hardison to call the team. Billy protests being stabbed, but Nate pooh-poohs; it's just a little stabbing. Hardison is kind of impressed that Nate found a client in prison. Billy decides he'll just pass out now.

In his office at the prison, Worth touts his corporate background to his visitor, a Mr. Barrington-Jones (actually Hardison in a grey suit and British accent). Worth brags about how good the prison business is while Hardison bugs his computer. Mr. Barrington-Jones represents a British concern interested in breaking into the prison business back home, where it hasn't really caught on. Worth claims the trick is proper management, like exploiting prison labor.

Over in the prison infirmary, Nate explains to a begowned Billy that it's the safest place, with all the guards and cameras protecting the drugs. Plus, he's arranged some insurance. Eliot arrives and establishes himself as Dr. Abernathy, overworked and underpaid prison physician, backed up with lots of paperwork. Nate is getting shooed back to gen pop but Eliot needs to talk, so Nate fakes a dental emergency. The guard decides to stick with Billy, not wanting to get too close to the dental saw in action.

Eliot straps Nate into the chair, "just in case" the guards come in. And shines the light in his face, and fires up the drill. He wonders if Nate realizes what he usually does to people who lie to their own team and nearly get people killed because they're out of control. "Are we okay, Eliot?" Nate carefully asks. Apparently so, since Eliot plugs a thumb drive into a nearby PC and brings up Worth's background. He's from a big political dynasty but couldn't get elected himself, so he went into business. Nate wants to nail Worth and get Billy out of jail as a precaution. Eliot reiterates that the prison is escape-proof. It's a modern building, using technology to reduce manpower -- camera, motion detectors, infrared sensors. Parker and, uh, "Sophie" are working the judge. Yes, Eliot knows Sophie's real name (they all do) but he's not allowed to tell Nate.

In a courthouse, Judge Sophie and Lawyer Parker "argue" as they run into and manhandle a judge. Sophie swipes them into the Judges' Chambers with a purloined keycard. She also got a checkbook. Parker lifted a date book and keys, including a safe deposit box key. Parker searches the office while Sophie, as Mrs. Judge, calls the bank about the box. Parker opens a safe in the office and finds Billy's file, along with several more.

Back at HQ, Hardison reports that the judge got the safety deposit box right when he started sending average citizens down for jail time for minor offenses. Parker says there are four more judges involved. Going through Worth's files, Hardison has coded email going to the judges, probably containing an account number. Nate points out that private prisons have contracts and asks about headcount requirements. Rockford has to stay above 70% occupancy to keep their state funding. They came close to failing about two years ago, but not since Worth got judges to send him non-violent prisoners. Parker wonders why he's picking on ordinary citizens. Eliot deduces that it's because they're ordinary citizens -- they trust the system and won't rock the boat.

Worth walks down a city street carrying his dry-cleaning when Sophie approaches him and compliments his suit. It's handmade in Paris. Sophie tells him he'll have to buy American henceforth and hands over a card. Today is the day he becomes a U.S. senator.

State Party Election Headquarters. Disposing of a name plate, Sophie escorts Worth into "her" office. Her sure-thing incumbent senator got caught playing around. She shows him photos from her "sources" with Parker cozying up to the senator. Flashback to Sophie directing Parker in a photo session (Hardison mans the camera), trying to get some sexy poses. They stumble onto one by accident and Sophie does some PhotoShopping. Parker drops her robe and nightie for the next shots. Hardison's innate chivalry forces him to turn away, as much as he'd rather it didn't. So now "Senator Happy Pants" will be dropping out and Sophie needs a replacement. Worth says he's considered running, but doesn't have the staff. Sophie plays his new political ad and tells him women love him.

Hardison, back at HQ, compliments Nate on reading Worth. Nate figures it was an obvious sore spot, and they need to crack the prison. Eliot and Hardison have worked out that the various incidents in the prison all happened in camera blind spots, which means it was guards doing the damage, not prisoners. Nate wonders if they can exploit the blind spots, but Hardison can't get to the cameras. Parker thinks the plans could be outdated, so they need to map the security measures "old school."

So Nate wanders about the prison doing chores, reporting on various devices. Eliot takes a peek at the roof to spot the camera there. Parker uses stickers on a printed floorplan to map the security measures while Hardison updates a computer model. Nate uses a checkerboad, checkers and pencils for his own mock-up. It doesn't look encouraging. He hopes Sophie's having better luck with Worth. "Who's Sophie?" Parker wonders. Hardison reminds her, and Parker remembers that Nate hasn't earned the real name yet. She practices saying "Sophie."

"Sophie" is working Worth. If he has even a quarter of a million dollars ready when he announces, she guarantees he'll take the race. There's a federally-approved account all set up, ready for his deposit. He agrees -- if the party will match his funds, to show their commitment. The party will kick in first. Sophie promises the money this afternoon. They finish their business just before the real campaign coordinator arrives.

At HQ, Eliot, Hardison and Parker are working on the prison breakout. Parker suggests the furnace room, which is too hot for sensors. It's also too hot for people, although Parker says they can take the heat for 27 seconds. The team's not going for it. Sophie arrives and announces that Worth is in. She took the $250,000 from Nate's account. Nate cracks the escape route; he can get to some tunnels which give access to both the roof and the parking lot. He'll have to beat a lockdown door in the corridor, a motion sensor in the kitchen and an infrared sensor in the machine corridor. The roof and the parking lot are both traps. Nate will keep refining the plan.

Worth walks out of the prison with his boss guard, expositing that he saw the funds in the account and moved his own in. The prison operation needs to be cleaned up, so no more entrepreneurialism by the guards. The only loose end is Billy, who might be credible enough to prompt an investigation. Worth tells the boss guard to handle it himself tomorrow -- turn off the cameras and get rid of him.

Guard station the next day. The boss guard hands out crude prison-type weapons and has the cameras turned off. Worth arrives in his office with his dry-cleaning to find Mr. Barrington-Jones with a few more questions. Worth takes a call from the Italian woman, who suggests he check the video of Nate's visitors. Worth excuses himself and Mr. Barrington-Jones checks his desk computer to find the security cameras are down. He warns Nate, who puts Eliot on alert and starts opening giant steam-producing vats.

Worth gets a video playback at the guard station and sees his campaign advisor on the phone with Nate. Meanwhile, Nate checks with Parker -- is she with Hardison's new van? And did they bring it? Parker is delighted to hear the breakout is happening now and climbs into the van. Nate grabs a newspaper and cues Sophie (back at HQ) to walk them through the plan.

The armed guards arrive in the infirmary to take out Billy, but Eliot takes them out while Billy finishes buttoning his shirt. Nate arrives and collects Billy while Eliot heads in the other direction. A battered guard calls lockdown and his compatriot at the guard station complies. The alam goes off and the doors close. Nate and Billy don't make it through a door, but Nate's in no hurry. He pops open the door -- the bar was blocked by some newspaper folded eight times, which can withstand 1000 lbs of pressure. They get going.

Sophie gets a call and answers with a nasal Boston accent, "First Boston Independent Bank, how can I help you?" Worth wants to get his money out of the campaign account, but Sophie tells him large transactions have to be handled in person. He marches into his office to blow off Mr. Barrington-Jones and calls up to the guard station. The boss guard says Billy is running and Nate is in on it. Worth is scurrying out the door when Mr. Barrington-Jones reminds him, "Don't forget your dry cleaning."

Nate and Billy are by the vats. Nate checks his watch and counts down; there's a small explosion behind one vat. He sends Billy off and watches steam rise. When it's thick enough, he walks past the motion sensor. Into the walk-in freezer, where he picks up a plastic sheet that's been laid across some boxes, wraps it around himself and climbs into an air vent. He emerges in front of the heat sensor, which is foiled by the frozen plastic. Sophie maps the roof and parking lot escape routes on the multi-screen.

In the guard station, they aren't having any luck finding the escapees. The cameras finally come back online and they check the roof -- where a helicopter is landing. A bunch of guards run up to the roof while Worth drives off to the bank. Up on the roof, the guards discover Hardison's RC helicopter, which Parker is controlling. It chases them around the roof. Worth calls from the bank; his guards (back down at the guard station, having escaped the helicopter) are still having no luck. The teller warns him that someone else tried to close the account, but all the money is still there -- even the other $250,000. Worth withdraws all the money. The guards review footage from the exterior cameras and see Ford and Billy climbing into a van. It's still in the lot, so they converge on it with guns drawn. Inside they find Mr. Barrington-Jones making out with his "secretary," "Fiona" (Parker). They tell him to clear out. Hardison likes this kind of role-playing with Parker.

Worth is back at the prison and fretting about the escape. Detective Captain Bonnano from the State Police arrives (walking with a cane) to report they've found a lead. He has a tape (which a guard plays) showing Nate climbing out of a car's trunk. Worth recognizes the parking lot: that's his bank. In fact, that's his car. Flashback to Nate and Hardison (in a prison outfit, pretending to be Billy) climbing into the back of the van. Nate exits the passenger door and climbs into Worth's trunk, which Parker has helpfully opened for him. (Worth has backed into his space, so the trunk is out of camera range.) Worth runs up to his car on his way to the bank.

Back at the guard station, Bonnano wonders why Worth left the prison during an escape attempt. Then the bank video gets to the good part: Nate emerges from Worth's back seat dressed in shirt and suit. Worth is outraged that Nate stole his dry cleaning. Bonnano observes that it's a good fit, which is strange since Nate (whom he's met) is several inches taller than Worth. Flashback to Mr. Barrington-Jones reminding Worth to take his dry cleaning. Once Worth leaves, Hardison collects the original dry cleaning from where he stashed it behind a sofa.

Worth protests that he's not in cahoots; he escaped with Billy. Bonnano says that doesn't compute for two reasons. First, Billy is still in the prison. Billy walks up to the bars where he can be seen and waves. Second, Worth emptied out the account that Nate deposited a bribe into. Flashback to Sophie saying they took the quarter million in "party" money from Nate's account, then Worth saying he'll withdraw all the money in the account. Bonnano pulls out a list of judges they found in Worth's car. He figures he needs to talk to them. Worth is arrested and led away to the cheers of the prisoners.

Nate arrives at HQ (which he still thinks of as his apartment) to find everyone ready for their getaway. Hardison hands out plane tickets. Nate is on a train to New York; he'll pick up a flight there. They open the door to discover four men pointing guns at them. Nate grabs Eliot before he can dive in. The Italian woman comes down the spiral staircase.

Down in the bar for a private chat, Nate opens a bottle of scotch. The Italian woman would rather have wine but Nate doesn't care. She asks how he figured someone else was in the mix. The plan was based on Worth finding out Sophie was a plant; the Italian woman called Worth just as they were ready to tip him off. A guy who brings down corrupt millionaires winds up in a jail run by a corrupt millionaire. Nate figures this was an audition. The Italian woman acknowledges that Nate is good, "possibly too good." She plops down a big file and assigns him the job of bringing down Damien Moreau.

Around the kitchen table at HQ, the team protests. Moreau is the money man for all kinds of nefarious people. Parker realizes the reports in the file all come from different police and spy organizations from around the world. Back down in the bar, Nate observes that the Italian woman isn't the police. She says Moreau buys the police and politicians, so no one can touch him. Nate has six months to get him. Back upstairs, the team is quick to decline the job but Nate puts a stop to that. It's not a job. Down in the bar, the Italian woman says Nate can walk if she gets Moreau. If he fails, he winds up in chains in a Roman jail. As for his team, well, thieves die all the time. Nate doesn't take well to the threat, but the Italian woman thinks it's motivating him.

Upstairs, the team realizes they're being blackmailed. All righty then, they're on the job. They can't tackle Moreau directly, so they'll have to work on jobs that move them towards Moreau. Hardison has a large client list to work through. The team disperses while Nate works on his scotch. Sophie remains to ask how the drinking is working out. Nate's gone from drunk honest man to sober thief, so now he's trying drunk thief. Is Sophie going to save him? She figures he can save himself now. He tries out a few real names on her, but Sophie walks off with a smile. Well, he'll get it eventually.

Comments: Forget being sent to jail for carting booze across state lines, the trick is getting charged in the first place. The police have to pull you over for some reason, then they have to search the trunk for some reason, then they have to remember the statute, then they have to bother to charge you.

While grocery stores can sell beer and wine, hard liquor in New Hampshire is available only in the state-run liquor stores, which tend to be located near highways for the convenience of tourists. Prices are cheaper than in Massachusetts. Also, New Hampshire has no sales tax, which tends to encourage shopping trips. (The Pheasant Lane Mall is so close to the border, they wound up chopping off a corner of the JC Penney's.) Massachusetts has been known to check cars crossing back into Massachusetts for New Hampshire goods and having people fill out excise tax forms -- but not often and not lately. So many people who live in southern New Hampshire (which also has no income tax) work in Massachusetts (so they wind up paying state income tax anyway), I figure Massachusetts is in no position to complain about shoppers.

And the Winner Is ...

2008-04-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

Previously on Project Runway: Chris and Rami had a showdown. Rami won. Chris was out. (Sigh.)

3 days to showtime. Christian whines that he's nervous and ready to show. Rami is happy to be the official third. They head out to their workspace. Rami thinks he has Christian worried. Christian hopes he has impressed his competition. Tim drops in for a review. One of Jillian's sweaters doesn't blend with the rest of her pieces. Rami turned it down a notch and Tim approves. Christian confesses that not every piece is wearable and Tim is worried that he overdesigned. Christian has an attack of nerves. Jillian's collection is "innovative" and Rami is so successful, he's wondering how he can compete.

Tim goes away; model casting is next. Christian knows exactly what he wants. Jillian has never done this before. She confesses that she has trouble being decisive. Shocking news, I know. The designers all want the same models.

It's the end of the day, so the designers go to sleep. And then the designers wake up and get ready. On today's agenda: makeup consultation and fittings. Rami's makeup concept is "chiseling the face." Not in the "you have a pound of makeup on" sense, but creating planes and shadows. Christian's will have strong brows and lips but nude eyes. Jillian's makeup is natural with a touch of metallic sheen for drama.

Fittings. Models. Clothes. Rami thinks Christian is over the top and is designing for models, not women. Lea gripes about Christian's shoes; he frets that she sat down in his skirt to put them on. Those are some ugly shoes. Lea wobbles over to let Christian snap a Polaroid. He practiced walking in the shoes, so he's sure the models will be just fine. And Lea does manage a stroll, once she has had a chance to get used to them. (Lea was in Sweet P's decoy show, so she's doing double-duty for Christian. I don't know why he got to grab her for his show, too.) Christian sends the models off with an admonition to look fabulous, be on time and skip food.

Jillian frets that she could have been more consistent with her model selection. She calls to see if she can switch someone around. Christian has no sympathy for the results of her inexperience. He can be such a twerp sometimes.

Only 1 day left! Jillian frets about her model casting some more. She makes another phone call and learns that she's stuck with the models she have. Rami tries to get her to move on, but she'd rather wallow in her misery. Everyone does hair consultations. Christian's models will have buns with a feathery little fillip. Jillian's style is loose and bouncy. Rami's style has a severe ponytail in the back and a slanted braid across the forehead. It's the hair version of those stupid infant headbands I hated in his mini-show. I hate this, too.

Fittings, fittings, fittings. It's crunch time. Jillian is trying to embrace the model diversity instead of resenting it. Christian is tired of thinking about everything and is ready to show. The designers pack up. Tim drops in for a final gather 'round. The show order is Jillian, Rami and Christian. Tim gives a proud papa speech. It's very touching. They all hug.

It's 4:15 a.m. and the designers get ready to go. One last time out the door. They check out the big empty tent and have another group hug. Everyone feels the moment. Backstage, it's two hours to show time. The designers have dressers to help get everything ready. Christian needs models. One hour to show time. Guests start arriving. Christian is missing two models. Dressing. One model arrives. Thirty minutes to go. More dressing. Christian mopes about his model, who finally shows. The tent fills up. Time ticks down. And show time!

Heidi comes out to greet the crowd. The guest judge is Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice. Quite the change from Fern Mallis, I'd say.

Jillian tells the crowd that she was inspired and hopes they feel inspired, too. She does her little curtsy.

Slim coat with capelet-like lapels. It's very trim and chic.
Schoolgirl skirt, black knit top, multi-colored scarf around the neck. Without the scarf, these would be too basic, but very nicely put together.
Black jacket with ruffled front closure, tan pants. Lots of equestrian flavor, but still very wearable.
Pleated gold foil strapless dress with sheer sleeves. Almost literally like armor, but the boob "plating" is just so tiny that it distracts.
Grey skirt with ruffly hem, green jacket with shiny "greaves" for the upper arms. A little less literal. Unusual but wearable.
Grey slim skirt, black-and-white striped sweater with short sleeves covered in thick yarn loops. This is the sweater that Tim thought "incongruous" and I agree, the black-and-white stripe doesn't fit with anything else. But still pretty cute.
Black coat that's a shorter version of her avant-garde coat, brown pants. There are round cut-outs over the inside of the elbows that I just don't get; I thought they'd get covered with a laced-in "patch" to match the waist details. But other than that, I like it. More out-there than her previous coats, though.
Dark skinny pants, grey sweater with flared hemline and horizontal cutouts below the bustline. Sassy and cute, but maybe a little cold.
Dark skinny pants, dark grey tunic covered in wavy vertical pleating. It's a very stylized reference to armor that doesn't quite translate to everyday wear.
Dress with dark grey bodice with square-cut neckline, black skirt with lace overlay and wide shiny stripe. A little Jetson-ish, although the texture of the bodice is similar to the previous armor pleating. Definitely cute.
Dark blue dress with ruffled skirt and deeply draped neckline. Very pretty, but I don't get a strong connection to the other pieces.
Dark corset over shiny, pleated, wide-legged pants. It looks like a gown until the model makes her turn, the legs are that wide. A cool variation on the evening gown.

I really liked a lot of the outfits in Jillian's collection. She clearly has a good feel for separates, but her dressier looks were also very nice.

Next up is Rami. His collection celebrates women. Don't they all?

Teal blue dress. It's like someone took a loose sack dress and put a really wide (wide!) belt around the waist and hips. It's almost more interesting from farther away, when you can't see all the details.
Slim suit in crepe-y teal. Nice, but not exciting. The skirt seems a little short. Maybe the model just has really long legs.
Black-and-white pleated/draped strapless dress and black sweater wrap from the mini-show. The opening of the skirt isn't quite so annoying on this model.
Bright red high-waisted pants, black-and-white print blouse, black vest buttoning up to the boobs which are framed by the side straps. The blouse looks like her batwing sleeves got trapped in her armpits by the vest, which also makes the model's bust look odd along the sides, and the pants are weirdly bright.
Bright red sack dress. I like it better loose through the waist.
Bright red short skirt, black ruffled blouse. The skirt is nice enough. The blouse seems kind of ordinary, except maybe for being black. I'd rather see a different pairing with the skirt.
Black capelet, bright red top with a gathered neckline, black high-waisted pants that widen like jodhpurs at the hip. I like the top, but the pants won't look good on anyone but a model.
Olive pants, olive one-sleeved tunic with quilting along the neckline. Hate the color. Otherwise, a little busy but interesting. The model seems to be falling asleep.
Brown gown with beautiful woven corset bodice in olive. Unfortunate colors, beautiful dress.
Gold one-shouldered gown. Kind of ordinary, except where the skirt drapes oddly over the left knee. The model either has trouble walking in it or is completely bored by her dress.
Antique lace dress with lots of chevron patterns and big shoulders. Very nice.
Black pleated gown from the mini-show. Still pretty fabulous, if somewhat cumbersome.

I kinda like a few of the separates. The gowns were more successful, but the woven bodice and the lace dress were the only ones I felt real enthusiasm for. Still, you can see a lot of work went into the collection.

Christian just thanks everyone for coming and asks them to enjoy.

Black shiny dress with close-fitting long-sleeved top and big ruffly skirt. The giant hat distracts from the dress and I still hate those ugly shoes. I'm just not into the shape of the skirt.
Black skinny pants, black musketeer-style jacket with big shoulders and tight sleeves. I like the texture of the jacket material and the shape isn't too over-the-top (but it's close). More of an evening look than a daytime look, I think.
Black skinny pants with visible zipper, more close-fitting black jacket with ruffled ascot. See previous.
Black skinny pants, slim black jacket without all the poofy stuff. A little severe looking, but nice.
Black skinny pants, shiny black jacket with an exaggerated turtleneck and sheer sleeve. Not really loving the jacket.
Black skinny pants, black top, ruffled coat. It's like the avant-garde dress turned into a short black coat. Definitely for the woman who wants to make a statement. This hat is distracting, too.
Black skinny suit, cream-colored ruffled neck piece, giant sheer hat. The suit is nice and sleek. I could actually see a New Yorker wearing the neck ruffle as a fashionable alternative to a scarf. The overall effect with the hat is very costumy, but he's dressing up a pretty subdued outfit.
Black high-waisted straight-legged pants with visible zipper, cream blouse with ruffled neck. A little more credible for every day wear.
Dark skinny pants, cream poofy-sleeved shirt, brown musketeer-style jacket with short sleeves. It's more costumy, with the poofy sleeves, but I'm relieved to see some color.
Pale pink satiny pants, cream blouse with all-over ruffles. It's very much like the avant-garde dress turned into a long-sleeved shirt. Hard to imagine someone wearing it on the street. I'd like to see more color contrast with the pants (which are nice).
Short sleeveless dress with ruffles all over. One side is cream and one side is brown. It's very interesting, but all the ruffles make for an odd silhouette. The model seems lost in it, so imagine what happens to a normal person.
Long-sleeved close-fitting gown flaring out into a fuller skirt with train. The skirt is brown and the top cream. The effect is that the dress is made of feathers, although that might be artfully tattered organza. Okay, the top is probably feathers. It's very dramatic.

Definitely the collection with the biggest bang, but more wearable than the presentation suggests. All the black skinny pants are a little repetitive, but the jackets had variation and I liked a lot of them. However, it was hard to see the construction because everything was so dark. I think a few more punches of color would have helped. I didn't care for most of the hats, but they added to the drama.

Post-show. Various audience members place their bets.

Judging. They all rave about the high quality of the shows. The designers come out for their critiques. Heidi reviews the prizes and the judges, then brings out the models. Jillian goes first. She explains that the inspiration from the art challenge carried over to her collection. Victoria praises the femininity, the attention to detail and the construction. Michael also likes the femininity and the knitwear. Heidi liked seeing new shapes. Nina likes the innovation but saw too many ideas; she agrees that the knits were great.

Christian gets a little tangled in his explanation and Heidi makes him confess that he's nervous. Victoria loved everything, since it was right up her alley. Michael loved the drama but got tired of the black. Nina saw too much repetition and maybe too much design.

Rami explains the Joan of Arc inspiration. He wanted to show a range of pieces. Heidi loved it, especially the weaving. Michael loved the weaving, too, but wanted different colors. Victoria also liked his workmanship, especially in the final gowns. Nina thinks he has the strongest point of view. She appreciated that he showed separates, but his forte is eveningwear.

The designers go away while the judges recap. Michael loved the surprise of Jillian's knitwear. Victoria agrees with Heidi that the shapes were beautiful. Nina thinks Jillian hasn't figured out her signature. Michael thinks women will want to wear Jillian's clothes. (I think so, too.) Nina liked the pace of Christian's show. Victoria is all over it. Michael points out that not everyone can wear what Victoria wears; he and Heidi worry that he'll get stuck in a ruffled rut. Nina thinks he overdesigns sometimes. Michael describes Rami as "cerebral." Victoria brings up the workmanship. Heidi raves over the weaving some more. Nina and Michael have problems with his color choices. The judges decide.

The designers return. Jillian stretched herself. Rami proved his talent. Christian put on a show. Jillian is out. Really? I liked her collection better than Rami's. She hugs the others as she leaves. She's very disappointed and apologizes to her family. No apologizing! Christian tears up with tension awaiting the results. Christian wins. He immediately starts crying. Rami gives him a big hug and makes a graceful farewell. Heidi congratulates Christian. She has to bend way down to kiss his cheeks. Victoria wants to wear his clothes. Lisa comes out to claim her prize and congratulates Christian. His family comes out for hugs and Tim congratulates him as well. Now that he has won, all his confidence returns.

Right winner? I think overall Jillian has the most wearable clothes, but Christian definitely made the biggest impression. His clothes aren't for everyone, but they're not just stagewear, either. He also seems savvier than Jillian about the big picture. As long as his ego doesn't run away with him, I think he'll do quite well in the future. Jillian probably won't have as splashy a career, but she might have a more steady future with her talent for sportswear. Rami's collection wasn't my taste, but he's clearly quite talented, especially with evening wear. And with his LA base, he's sure to have a fine business in red carpet gowns. All in all, a satisfying runway show. A final four would have been even better, but that ship has sailed.

To Hair Is Human

2008-03-05T20:07:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers sought inspiration in the Metropolitan Museum. Chris laughed loudly. Jillian ironed a lot. Sweet P's model was late. Christian won. Jillian was in. Sweet P was out. Chris and Rami were both in -- provisionally. It's a walkoff!

Heidi assigns the next challenge: a collection of 12 looks for Fashion Week. They get $8000 and five months. Chris and Rami will create collections and show three looks to the judges to see who gets the third (official) slot. Tim comes out and warns them that he'll be dropping in. Off to the rooftop for a last toast. Heidi product-places the hotel, while Tim product-places the champagne. Toasting. Christian shows everyone how to strut a runway.

Packing. Dispersal.

Cut to 3.5 months later. Tim drives over to see Christian. He has a tiny room that serves as sewing room and bedroom -- he apparently hangs his bed on the door and flops it out at night -- so he has to keep everything very organized. Family pictures. Christian grew up in Annapolis and found his salvation working in a fancy hair salon. His collection is romantic and gothic. Tim advises him to edit; he's heading into costume territory. And we're done.

A few days later, it's time to see Jillian at her apartment. She's clearly not in Manhattan; there's way too much space. She is working on her collection full-time. She's building on the museum challenge, basing the collection on 15th century armor. Tim likes the combination of strength and femininity, but worries that the palette is "a cloudy day." Off to see the family -- parents, sisters and cute boyfriend. Her dad wears a Project Runway cap. Her mom reveals that she saw a clairvoyant who predicted fame for one of her three children, and Jillian admits that she grew up expecting to be famous. She's dead serious about it. But you can tell she's willing to put in the work, and it takes determination to make it to the top, so it's not entirely creepy.

Off to Los Angeles to see Rami. Tim arrives at his house and meets Jeff and Jen. They sit and chat. Rami talks about his family background. His mother was Miss Jordan and a fashion fan. (She looks a lot like Jillian.) Sadly, she died when Rami was five. His father remarried a couple of years later to a great woman. Rami hid his fashion interest because it wasn't very manly, but his family was supportive when they found out. Off to Rami's studio to inspect the collection. He's inspired by Joan of Arc and her "fighting gear." That would be armor, right? Tim is worried that too many pieces "look hammered and nailed" and heavy-looking.

Back to New York to see Chris. He's trying to reconcile his costume background with the demands of fashion. The most "provocative" decision he's made is using human hair as trim. I found that a little creepy at first, but I got over it. Tim, however, is ready to hurl. He likes the pieces better without the trim. Chris is not surprised. Tim has an analogy about a stinky monkey house -- Chris has been spending too much time with his work. He advises some restraint. Speaking of restraint -- they're off to see Chris's friends at the world's most lavishly decorated apartment. It's kind of like every palace in Europe stuffed into a New York apartment. Tim and I think it's utterly fabulous. Chris explains that his New York friends are his family. His other family, back in San Francisco, is used to him doing showy things. He got started by winning a costume contest. He left a successful costume business to move to New York and break into fashion. He likes making people happy.

Five days to show time! Designers arrive at the hotel. Christian and Jillian are together. Jillian worries because Christian hasn't been a pal. Chris and Rami are bunking together someplace less posh looking. They all hang out and catch up.

Four days to show time! Everyone heads over to the new workroom. There are only three work tables. Everyone loads in their stuff. Jillian is wearing one of those knit hats with a ginormous flower on the side, like she's a 1920s film star. Tim arrives and gathers them around. Chris and Rami will have their walkoff today. They'll have three hours to get things fitted onto their three assigned models. Since there's a lot of work, they get to draft an assistant. Rami picks Jillian, so Chris and Christian are working together again.

Frantic rushing about. Rami is definitely flustered. Christian is taken aback by Chris's use of hair as trim. Makeup. Hair. Adjustments. Time's up! No guest judge today.

Rami/Sam: Blue full-skirted coat with puffy, then gathered, then belled sleeves over a black V-neck glittery dress. The coat is much too heavy and overworked, but the dress looks nice from what I can see.
Rami/Ana Lita: Black sweater jacket over a draped sheathe dress in grey/black stripes that fade from dark to light. The pattern effect is lovely, but the shape of the skirt feels off.

Rami/Jacqueline: Black strapless gown with sweetheart bodice, belted waist, long full skirt and train, with black pleating all over. It has a texture similar to Christian's Reese's cup dress, but more regular. Very dramatic.

BTW, I hate the styling of the hair, with the ponytails and the sequined headbands like they make baby girls wear.
Chris/Marie: Black suit with textured skirt and velvet wrap jacket trimmed with long, black hair at collar and hems. Very elegant and dramatic.
Chris/Cheron: Black lace halter top and low-waisted flapper-like skirt of black hair. Also very elegant.

Chris/Marcia: Black velvet full-length halter dress with crocheted hairpin lace down the front, long scarf of the same hairpin lace. It's basically a tube, so Marcia has to take tiny steps. But she looks pretty fabulous tottering down the runway.

The makeup is too dark and heavy for my taste, but the messy hair is more successful.

The models join the designers for the grilling. Chris was going for "glamor goth" with some "unexpected materials." Michael and Heidi are kind of creeped out by the hair, but Michael appreciates his sense of adventure. The skirt of the suit is made from black chrome safety pins, which is another daring turn. Nina looks impressed by both choices. Michael thinks everything is too dark and overdone; the evening gown was a "velvet condom." Nina admits to being impressed, but thinks it could be too much. Heidi thinks it's all very creative and unique. Chris thinks he should win because it would be interesting to have someone from outside the fashion world show.

Rami wanted to show construction and his willingness to listen. Nina likes that he did tailored pieces, but of course she loves the draped dress. She worries that the coat has too much volume. Heidi would wear the evening gown but Michael thinks the pattern at the hips is unflattering. Rami wants to win to advance his career.

The judges confer. Nina notes they were both very dark, and Michael thinks they both over-designed. They all think Rami's second dress is a hit, and Heidi likes his gown as well. Nina dislikes the coat, but he gets credit for trying and not sending three Grecian goddesses down the runway. Michael is impressed with his creativity and craftsmanship, but he's still seeing costume. Nina points out that other people have made the jump from costume to fashion.

The designers return. Heidi repeats the "dark and overworked" criticism. Chris was creative. Rami was refined and different. Rami is in. Chris is out. He gives Rami a big hug. They break the news to Jillian and Christian, who hug Chris. Rami wishes they could both go, but he's happy to have it settled. Tim is also sad to see Chris go. Chris is surprised by all the love he's gotten from the show.

Oh, phooey. I like Rami, he's a nice person and a talented designer, but his work just doesn't grab me. The three outfits that Chris showed are really more to my taste, human hair and all. I just like his kind of drama. But he'll still be showing at Fashion Week, so good for him. I just wish he had gone full-out and done the couture collection he dreamed of, instead of toning it down for the judges. They were always going to see "costume" anyway, so why not be completely happy with it?

Tim's Take includes a comment that he knew Chris lost when the judges asked him to describe his client and he couldn't. Tim says he's still a costume designer. I had to comment, because I thought that was a little dismissive. Chris wants to be a couture designer. Who is the client for couture? Who was the client for the avant-garde challenge? If not being able to describe your customer makes you a costume designer, then what's the difference between costume and couture?

Wherefore Art Thou

2008-02-18T22:46:00.001-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: Lady wrestlers! Ricky went Wonder Woman. Christian agreed with Sweet P that her outfit was "hideous." Chris won. Yay! Sweet P's look was unfinished, but Ricky didn't make a costume, so he was out. Yay!

Sweet P is happily surprised that she escaped the axe. Chris is used to dealing with crunch time. Rami is determined to get to Fashion Week. Who isn't? Off to Parsons. Heidi brings out Marcia and Amanda. Chris remains loyal to Marcia, of course, so Amanda is out. She seems perfectly competent, but never really grabbed me. Heidi sends them off on another field trip with Tim. They walk the Upper East Side in the morning, arriving at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. This should be good.

The designers have the place to themselves, since it's like 7 a.m. Tim tells them they'll choose a work of art to inspire their next look. Their sources are limited to the Greek & Roman sculpture courtyard, the European painting gallery and the Temple of Dendur exhibit. Of course, Rami is all over the Greek and Roman sculpture. Next up are the paintings. Christian says he's inspired by European art, a claim I find remarkable in its lack of specificity. Sweet P thinks she could have gotten away with actually touching a painting, since they were alone. Finally, the Temple of Dendur, which was plucked from its native habitat in Egypt and transplanted to New York. Chris jokes about finding Joan River's initials carved on the tomb wall, then stifles himself as his hearty laugh echoes in the gallery. Time's up! Back to Parsons.

The designers have an hour to select a photo of their inspiration and sketch. They'll get to spend $300 at Mood. Tim warns that "styling and makeup" will count. The designers choose:

Rami: headless statue of Aphrodite. He's not ashamed to be doing the draping thing again, because he loves draping. Yes, but do the judges?
Christian: Murillo painting of a Spanish military gentleman. He's going for something more high fashion than costume.
Sweet P: Dutch painting of peacocks. She chooses colorful fabrics.
Chris: painting of French noblewoman. He's going to interpret her dress as a modern couture gown.
Jillian: Renaissance painting of the Argonauts. She's using the military uniforms as a starting point for something edgy.

Shopping! Everyone seems to be feeling the pressure of the last challenge. Back at Parsons, Tim gives them until midnight (7 hours) plus all of the next day to work. So they have ample resources (as challenges go) to realize their visions. Rami interviews that everyone was going over the top, trying to impress the judges. Jillian and Sweet P tease Christian about all the pieces he's creating. He's like, "I sew fast. They should sew fast, too." Jillian, who does not sew fast, tells him she's self-conscious enough about the time she's spent pleating without his comments. "Ew, don't get bitchy," pouts Christian, and Chris laughs at the irony.

Day 2. Sweet P asks Jillian if she should lower the neckline on her dress, and Jillian basically says that Sweet P needs to decide for herself. Sweet P confesses that she wants to win because her business is out of money. Tim sends in the models for a fitting, except Lea is having a family emergency, so Sweet P is discombobulated. Tim gathers up everyone and brings in Collier Strong, L'Oreal makeup artist. He'll help them develop the makeup for their looks. Consultations. Collier applies makeup to photocopied generic faces to record the decisions.

Back to work! Except Chris has already finished, so he toddles off to take a nap. Christian is astonished -- he has finished, too, but he's still fiddling with his things. He thinks he has "the most cohesive ideas" out of the group. Tim comes in for his look-sees and is surprised to hear Chris is napping. He goes off to find Chris and has him present his outfit for inspection. Tim thinks it needs more refinement, but Chris is confident. Christian is happy because his clothes look good on him. He's trying to create pieces that work as separates, but Tim is worried that one piece doesn't fit in. Tim isn't getting peacock from Sweet P's dress. As usual, Jillian is doing good work but needs to finish. Tim warns Rami that he needs to make his outfit "fresh" since he's been warned about draping. With two hours to go, Lea arrives for a fitting. Everyone encourages Sweet P in her push to the finish. More sewing, less moping -- that's my advice.

Morning. Christian primps for the judges. Chris marvels that they didn't have anyone at each other's throats, but Christian protests that he hated people. Back at Parsons, Sweet P runs back to work. Jillian has to finish her dress. She doesn't want to be a fashion drudge any more. Tim urges them all to "just blow the judges' socks off" before sending in the models one last time. Fittings. Makeup. Hair. Jillian needs to steam her dress but the steamer isn't working. She gets the dress on Lauren, fusses with the skirt and then resorts to steaming it while it's still on Lauren. Sadly, the poor girl won't get combat pay. Show time! The guest judge is Roberto Cavalli. This is why I laugh when people insist that the producers control the judging outcomes. Like Roberto Cavalli is going to let some badly-dressed Hollywood punk boss him around. He can get plenty of media exposure without risking his reputation, so what's his incentive to play along? Anyway, time for my favorite part of the show:

Chris/Marcia: Oyster satin sleeveless gown with a bow at the waist, large pewter ruffle curving around her right shoulder. The effect is somewhat similar to the avant-garde dress he made with Christian, but this is something someone might actually wear to some really grand event.
Christian/Lisa: White blouse with giant poufy sleeves and pleated ruffles at the neck; black pants that are tight up to the knee and then looser to the hip, like a tame version of jodhpurs; black vest ending in a ruffled skirt; some puffy black capelet that Lisa removes almost immediately and didn't need to begin with. I think the simplicity of the black and white keeps it from being a costume, but it definitely makes a statement.
Rami/Sam: Purple sleeveless dress with a skirt that falls from an empire waist, crosses the right hip and loops around the back and up to the waist, so the back is partially exposed. It's pretty, but it's not stunning.
Sweet P/Lea: Sleeveless tank dress with the bodice in a golden, water-colored print fabric, a red stripe down the front widening at the skirt and joining side panels of purple and teal which form ginormous pockets. I don't get it.
Jillian/Lauren: Short black coat with gold piping and gold lining peeking through cutouts at the back; shiny gold V-neck dress with cording belt. The dress is very, very shiny, but I do like the belt and the jacket.

The designers get grilled. Christian explains his strategy of separates. Roberto sees how much love he put into his work. Nina likes the combination of showmanship and practicality. Roberto thinks Chris could do a couture show in Paris. However, the other judges have seen this trick before, so they're not as impressed. Nina likes the way Jillian surprises her. Roberto practially offers her a job. Heidi's all, "Whoo, shiny!" Michael thinks she avoided the costume trap. Michael and Roberto aren't getting a wow factor from Sweet P's dress; the judges already know she can nice little commercial dresses. Rami defends his choice of inspiration by declaring his passion for draping. Roberto doesn't get the wow factor from him, either. The judges want to see more.

The judges recap. Jillian changes things up and has impact. Christian presented something that worked as show and as clothing. Sweet P is commercial, but not fashion. Chris repeated himself, but it was a fabulous dress. He'd present a good show. Rami is talented but doesn't take risks.

The designers return. Christian takes the win and secures a spot at Bryant Park. Jillian is also in. Rami looks happy for her. Sweet P is out. She cries, of course, but takes it well. Rami is consistent but safe. Chris is dramatic but didn't give them anything new. Chris is in. (Yay!) But so is Rami. (Huh?) They will both create collections, but then show their three strongest looks for a chance to compete in the final three. Tim bids a fond farewell to Sweet P, who really wanted to show at Bryant Park. But then it turns out that she got to show a decoy collection, so that works out.

Right winners? Christian and Jillian have been very consistent throughout. Yes, Christian has repeated the ruffles and the puffy sleeves a lot, but he's managed enough variation that it's not the same outfit every time. Perhaps it's because he's so recently out of school, but he has done a good job of solving the various challenges like they're school exercises. Jillian has mixed it up more, but always presents a very neat, trim aesthetic. I'm not surprised that either one made it.

Right loser? Sweet P is a lovely woman, but she hasn't shown the kind of creativity I would expect from a finalist. I think she just doesn't thrive under the constraints of the challenges, and hasn't shown what she's truly capable of. Hopefully she'll be able to capitalize on her exposure. I'm glad she got a decoy show, but I'm really puzzled why they can't work out the airdates so the final challenge airs before Fashion Week starts. They have months to work it out.

Right up-in-the-airs? I was kind of hoping Chris would get the third slot outright, just to knock the wind out of Rami's sails; he's a little full of himself. The problem with Rami is not that he loves draping -- both the construction technique and the finished effect -- but that he doesn't want to see what else he can do with it. If he had taken his inspiration from the Temple of Dendur and showed something that involved a different style or approach to draping, he might have won. As for Chris, I think he might have been more successful working the bow motif instead of repeating a giant, curved element over one shoulder -- but it was a fabulous gown. I'm fairly certain the whole "you two have to compete for the final slot" twist was planned in advance; they have to budget for all these collections, after all. But it keeps Chris is the running, so I'm happy.

On the Ropes

2008-02-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers got iconic with denim. Christian couldn't believe Ricky was still in the running. Jillian had a little meltdown. Immunity was off the table. Ricky won. Jillian had too many ideas, but Victorya was out.

Jillian and Sweet P hope to thwart an all-male final three. Ricky still don't get no respect, but he decides he doesn't care. Off to Parsons. Heidi brings out Amanda and Jacqueline. Ricky decides to keep Amanda, so Jacqueline is out. Hmm. Amanda isn't bad, but Ricky hasn't worked with her all that much and Jacqueline has made more of an impression. Considering how little we've seen the models this season, that's saying something. Ricky didn't try to grab Lea again; perhaps he's learned that he can't keep her. The whole model part needs reworking. They're never going to be a major part of the show, but I love it when designer and model click.

So anyway, Heidi refuses to tell them anything about their next challenge and sends them away. Rami hangs out with the ladies and they try to guess the challenge. In the morning, it's back to Parsons. Tim leads them on another field trip. And off they go -- to the same auditorium they use for the runway shows. Loud noises squeak past the closed doors. Jillian and Sweet P hear violence but Christian hears "sex moans." My mind simply refuses to wonder why. Tim opens the door and the designers discover bodacious, scantily-clad women throwing each other around in a wrestling ring. Tim clambers into the ring with some trouble -- "Grampa has difficulty with these ropes" -- and introduces the WWE Divas. The designers will make outfits for them to wrestle in. Ah, the functional garment challenge. I can't wait until they get stuck with ice dancers. They're just as over-the-top as ballroom dancers, but the construction has to be so much tighter because they can't have anything fall off the costume. The designers pick divas:

Ricky: Layla El, funky dancer. He thinks she might be Latina.
Jillian: Michelle, sporty girl next door
Chris: Maria, who likes rock and glam
Christian: Kristal, who's into leather and lace. She's also the shortest girl left and the one who most resembles Christian. I would have liked to see him forced to work with an Amazonian blonde.
Sweet P: Candice Michelle, sex kitten
Rami: Torrie, All-American good girl

Back up in the workroom, the designers and divas get to talk for half an hour. Afterwards, the designers will get $100 to spend at Spandex House (apparently Mood is spandex-deficient). The designers and divas consult. Rami and Sweet P seem shell-shocked. Tim shoos the divas away and the designers shop. There's a whole lotta sparkle going on. The designers get the rest of the day and all day tomorrow to work.

Jillian watches a wrestling match on DVD that is not the least bit product-placed. Everyone starts working. It's early, so they're all in high spirits.

The next day, the designers head back into work. Jillian delivers a roundhouse kick to an unsuspecting mannequin. Sweet P is just not feeling it. Candice likes to tear open a robe to reveal her sex kitten attire, but Sweet P is trying to go more pin-up girl. Christian takes up Sweet P on her arm-wrestling challenge. They struggle for a while and then Christian gets some momentum, so Sweet P breaks it up.

Tim sends in the divas for fittings. Most of the divas are happy -- Kristal proposes marriage to Christian -- but Candice needs more oomph from her robe. Sweet P is scared by her idea of oomph, which includes star-shaped cut-outs on her butt. The divas leave and Sweet P continues to stress. Christian gives Ricky some snaps (the sewing notion, not the over-used gesture) because helping him won't make his outfit any better. In the sewing room, Sweet P, Chris and Christian discuss who they would be if they were divas.

With midnight approaching, Tim makes his rounds. Ricky needs to experiment. Rami is all "well, this isn't really my style," like Tim needs to be told that. Tim urges him to commit to the hot pink. Jillian's look is "cute." Christian is totally in love with his outfit. Sweet P is still struggling; she's not into lots of stuff on clothes. Tim is not much help, since it's all so tacky. Sweet P has a little crying spell, feeling caught between her client's tacky demands and the approval of the judges. This is what happens when you're a pleaser. She's trying not to lose when she should be trying to win. Look around the workroom -- everything is tacky. So just make a fabulous, tacky outfit and dare the judges not to like it.

Morning of the runway show. Sweet P is still worried Candice Michelle won't like the outfit. Tim gives them only an hour and a half for prep. Fittings. Hair. Makeup. Tim calls a five-minute warning and the designers rush to get their divas dressed. Christian thinks Sweet P improved her outfit so it no longer looks like a "craft project." It's interesting that he doesn't despise her the way he does Ricky, despite all her dithering. Guest judges are Richie Rich and Traver Rains of Heatherette. Which is pretty much perfect. Show time!

Christian/Kristal: Black faux-leather chaps with ruffles at the ankles over black lace stockings; short black faux-leather jacket with (of course) short puffy sleeves and fur stole; black belly-baring lace halter top with one long sleeve. She looks more like a video vixen than a wrestler, but it is pretty hot.
Jillian/Michelle: Electric blue bra with lattice-like straps crossing the waist at the sides; blue boy shorts with white waistband; white over-the-knee "socks." It has Jillian's clean aesthetic while being both sporty and sexy. The sock things are a little iffy, but otherwise, I think she nailed it.
Ricky/Layla: Shiny gold A-line cover-up over orange bathing suit with gold straps and accents. It's technically a one-piece suit, since the bra is joined to the bottoms with a thin orange strip. As bathing suits go, I've seen it before. It's not a costume for a diva.
Chris/Maria: Green-spotted leopard print bra with black straps criss-crossing over the chest and under the bust, fastening onto two rings in the back; dark green sparkly boy shorts and elbow-length fingerless gloves; leopard print bra-covering jacket with bell sleeves and a sparkly-lined hood. The back waistband of the shorts has a little notch in the middle for a sweetheart shape. The costume is sexy but looks like it will stand up in the ring, and the hoodie is adorable.
Sweet P/Candice Michelle: Silver halter bra top and boy shorts; white sleeveless robe fastening under the bra, edged with feathers at the bottom. If there are rhinestones, I can't see them because the fabric is all sparkly. Candice's shtik is "robe and reveal" where she rips open the robe to show off what's underneath, but this robe doesn't actually cover anything, so the reveal is anti-climactic. I think Sweet P would have been better off with marabou than feathers for trim.
Rami/Torrie: Hot pink halter top with mismatched boobs (one ruffled, one spangled); ruffly skirt that unties to reveal boy shorts with pink ruffles around the legs and a sequined waistband; fingerless gloves up past the elbow. It's kinda scary. The skirt rides so low on her waist that the ruffles make her hips look big, the shorts are ugly and the color does nothing for her.

All the divas really know how to strut a runway. Best non-model models EVER. Everyone gets grilled. Michelle feels securely strapped in by her outfit. Michael thinks Jillian got the sporty look and Traver likes the shorts. Michael doesn't really get Americana from Rami's outfit and Nina hates the color. Richie thinks Kristal looks "powerful." He and Michael get a Prince vibe. You can do a lot worse than that sexy little MF. Sweet P was going for retro. Richie wants more of a robe and Traver worries Candice might fall out of the top. Heidi gets Candice to confess she wants more bling. Michael thinks this was easier for Chris than the others. All the judges love the lining in the hoodie; they think the outfit looks "expensive." No one sees a costume in Ricky's outfit and the cover-up is an unflattering dud.

The judges recap. Christian made a sexy costume with a fabulous jacket. Chris really captured his diva's style. Jillian got the sexy tomboy look. Ricky' swimsuit wasn't original, the cover-up was ugly and the two pieces didn't add up. Rami's outfit was too fluffy. Sweet P didn't achieve that old-fashioned glamor and disappointed her client.

The designers return. Jillian is safe. Chris gets the win. Maria will wear his outfit in the ring. Yay! He's amused to get his win on the tackiest challenge. Christian is safe. Rami is safe. Ricky missed the mark and Sweet P didn't capture her client's image. Sweet P is shocked to learn that she's safe. So Ricky is out. Huzzah! Blah-blah-blah better person blah. I've already moved on.

Right winner? I thought Christian would get it, since his look was so polished and he did so much. But thinking it over, his costume was not the most appropriate for the rink. Jillian captured her diva's style as well as Chris did, but Chris' outfit was more fashionable and cohesive. So yeah, I think he deserves the win. That hoodie is freakin' adorable.

Right loser? Oh, thank heavens. Rami's outfit was ugly, but well-constructed. Sweet P missed the mark, but she tried. Ricky thought he was trying, which is kinda sad. Whatever. I'm just glad he's gone. I'm more interested in the models than Ricky, and we've hardly seen them all season.

Speaking of the models, here's what I think: In the first three shows, the designers should not be allowed to reuse a model; that will keep them from latching onto whomever they get first out of familiarity. When there are about 10 designers left, the models should get a chance to choose the designers. Some of the best match-ups from season 3 -- Laura and Camilla, Jeffrey and Marilinda, Michael and Nazri -- came from the challenge where the models picked designers. However, instead of leaving the last model standing to random chance, the designers should rate the models the night before, and the models should pick in order of ranking. The button bag only comes out if there's a tie in the rankings. In the next challenge, the designers get to pick again. The final six should have a chance to choose from all the models, or at least the last 8-10 models, and those are their models through the finals.

Blue Jean Genies

2008-02-06T21:26:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers had to team up to make avant-garde looks inspired by hair. Chris built a cell phone tower. Rami and Sweet P clashed. Surprise -- they have to make another look! Christian wins. Nina wondered if Rami had more than draping in his bag o' tricks. Kit got the boot for a "cheap" calico hoop dress.

Morning. Victorya keeps calling Sweet P "Kit." I don't know if Sweet P is more upset by having her name forgotten or missing the departed Kit. Ricky tries to keep his spirits up despite living in the bottom three all the time. I instantly peg him as the winner or loser. Sadly, I fear the former. Off to Parsons!

Heidi brings out Marie and Lisa. Of course Christian stays with Lisa, his fashion doppelganger, so Marie gets the boot. Which is too bad, 'cause she's a cutie. I'm a little surprised Christian didn't grab Lea again, but perhaps he figures he can't hold onto her, so why bother. Heidi sends them off to Tim, who's taking them on a field trip. Rami figures it could be anything from trash to Paris. The designers climb in a van and ride. "Are we going to meet somebody fabulous today?" Christian wonders. "We are fabulous, we don't need to meet anybody fabulous," Tim declares. They go over a bridge and onto a pier, where a woman awaits outside a big garage/warehouse. Tim introduces Caroline Calvin of Levis. The designers have to gather up jeans and jackets and white cotton; they have to make "an iconic denim look" that "captures the spirit of originality and creativity that has lived in the heart of the Levis brand." They have three minutes to run around. And go! A denim feeding frenzy ensues.

Back at Parsons, the designers settle in. Levis has provided notions, so there's no shopping. They have 12 hours to finish. Ricky confesses that he sometimes makes his hats out of denim -- and now we know why he always wears one. He wants to make something that no one else can make. Oddly enough, he does not decide to make a hat. Instead, he'll be making a corset. Which Rami just made in the last challenge, so not exactly unique to Ricky. Speaking of Rami, he's not American -- he was born in Jerusalem. His non-American approach to denim is more "fashion forward." Sweet P asks Chris how to get the dirt out of her denim, but Christian horns in because he's a know-it-all. It's now time for the "Christian is so immature" portion of our program. "Somebody needs to give him a bottle and send him to bed," sighs Chris. This is also the part where Christian whines about the challenge: "Oh my God, I'm going to die of barfness."

Scandal! Victorya and Jillian are both making coats! Jillian is miffed that Victorya is stepping on her turf. Like she has a copyright on coats. I'm not seeing the big deal. People don't worry about everyone making dresses. Turns out Christian decides to make a female trucker jacket, so there are three coats, but nobody cares about his. Christian whines about how quiet it is, now that so many people have left. "And so many annoying people are still left," he gripes. Cut to Ricky walking in. He testifies that he has a great resume, which maybe the others don't know about. He's a good designer, really, he is! Fine. But he's not a good Project Runway contestant. Time ticks. We learn that Chris likes to talk to his work. If I were trapped in a workroom with him, I'd find that annoying. But I'm not, so I think it's cool.

Tim time! Ricky explains how he's playing to his strengths and Tim tells him to "deliver it." Chris has a frayed edge on a curving pocket piece that Tim finds "incongruous" but Chris likes it. Jillian, as usual, has a lot of work to do. Rami's outfit has wow potential. Victorya's coat is looking "patchwork-y" and she needs to fix it. Sweet P's wedding dress is scaring Tim -- "very happy hands at home granny circle." Sweet P proposes shortening it into a dress. "Resolve the skirt," Tim orders. The last few hours tick down and everyone is rushing. Jillian gripes about the shortness of time. Chris lectures, "If you don't understand the situation by now, you're refusing to learn." He questions the wisdom of doing something complicated with so little time. The last few minutes are winding down and Jillian stops sewing with a gasp -- she keeps sewing her fingertips. "I'm bleeding everywhere," she sobs. Rami can't find any blood. Sweet P urges her to put off the meltdown until the buzzer rings in ten minutes. Everyone looks done in as they head home.

Morning. Primping. Back to Parsons. Jillian starts gluing. Tim gives them only an hour, instead of the usual two, to deal with model business. Fittings. Hair. Makeup. Last-minute gluing. Tim rounds up the designers and Jillian, as usual, is the last one out the door. Heidi takes immunity off the table, but no one notices because they're waiting for her boobs to bust out of that deep-V neckline. Guest judge is Caroline Calvin of Levis, of course. Show time!

Chris/Marcia: Sleeveless halter dress with a sweetheart bodice and thick straps angling in from the sides; the straps continue down the sides to form little pockets. I like the shape of the bodice and it definitely has that "little black dress" look he was going for, but it doesn't sing.
Ricky/Amanda: Strapless sheath dress with buttons down the front and a little ruffled skirt. It's very basic, which makes me think of jeans.
Sweet P/Lea: Color-blocked strapless sheath dress with a sweetheart neckline. The lines of the denim panels have a graceful curve and the color-blocking creates a nice, slimming effect. It's very pretty.
Victorya/Jacqueline: Basic trench coat. Really, really basic -- it looks like a jean jacket with a skirt tacked on. And the skirt is kinda sad looking.
Rami/Sam: Sleeveless top with a high, asymmetric ruffle collar; high-waisted skirt with sailor-like buttons on the front and a little pleated gladiator-like skirt. Zippers outline the seams, which looks sharp, but there's a narrow flat panel in the center of the pleated skirt that has an unfortunate jock strap effect. Otherwise, it's very cute.
Christian/Lisa: Super-skinny jeans with the lower legs made from jacket sleeves; cropped puffy-sleeved jacket with a ruffled yoke over a white t-shirt. The short jacket and the white shirt make Lisa -- who usually looks like she has no waist -- look like she has a pot belly. It's typically Christian.
Jillian/Lauren: High-collared coat rather like her avant-garde effort, but with a knee-length skirt. Since I loved her previous coat, I like this one, but it's definitely a lesser effort.

Everybody gets to stay and get grilled. Christian was going for a female motorcycle outfit. The judges like how he reinvented his source pieces. Nina thinks Chris's little blue dress is dated rather than timeless. The judges see two different ideas -- the little blue dress and the fraying -- that didn't meld together into one. Rami gets points for creativity; the zippers are a hit. The judges like Ricky's craftmanship. He cries. "What's up with you?" wonders Heidi. Ricky says it's a roller coaster ride. Jillian confesses to being too ambitious and the judges agree. The judges are ready to wear Sweet P's dress -- it has "the slimming voodoo." But Caroline doesn't get "Levis" from it. Victorya gets busted for just tacking a skirt on a jacket, and they don't blend.

The judges rehash. Ricky finally showed his lingerie background. Christian was very detailed and created a new jean. Sweet P made a great, versatile dress. Rami didn't drape, for a change. On the downside, Jillian had too many ideas, Chris was dated and sort of not finished, and Victorya was uninspired.

The designers return. Rami is safe. Ricky takes the win and his dress will be sold as a limited edition. Well, crap, he lives on. Sweet P is safe. Christian is safe. Chris is safe. Jillian was unfocused and Victorya was boring. Jillian is in. Victorya is out. She thinks she has shown only a little of who she is as a designer.

Right winner? Bleah. Ricky made a nice dress -- certainly not boot-worthy -- but it was pretty generic. Sweet P's dress was more beautiful and Rami's dress was more interesting. Christian was more creative. But Ricky got lucky; his generic quality is what the guest judge was looking for. Darn it.

Right loser? Yeah. Jillian's coat had a nice shape and Chris's dress had some sizzle. Victorya's coat was just boring. Which is too bad, because a real classic trench in denim could have been cool. She should have started from scratch instead of reusing the jacket.

Avant Garden

2008-02-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers had to make prom dresses. Kevin didn't feel like hemming. Christian's spirit was nearly broken by his 17-year-old client. Victorya won. Nina scolded Christian for blaming Maddie. Michael didn't like Kevin's hem or how old his teen client looked, so Kevin got the boot.

Christian is still pissing and moaning about his horrible experience. All his time in the bottom three has reminded Ricky that he needs to buckle down and impress the judges. Any time now. Parsons! Heidi brings out the models and they all have wackadoo hair. The designers will have to create an avant-garde look based on their model's hair.

Victorya stays with Jacqueline, who is rocking a pony-hawk.
Kit stays with Marie, who has fluffy, loose curls.
Sweet P grabs Lea, whose huge mane of frizzy curls is "fierce."
Jillian stays with Lauren, with a loose chignon and crimped wisps about the face.
Chris stays with Marcia, who has a huge braided bun. (Huge. Like about as big as her whole head.)
Rami stays with Sam, whose glorious red hair has been given waves all down its length.
Christian goes back to Lisa, whose bangs and curls look pretty ordinary, actually.
Ricky skips Katie (simple schoolgirl) and Aviva (dreadlocks) and goes for Amanda with her giant teased-out pouf.

And with that, the two gawkiest walkers are finally dismissed.

In the workroom, Tim reviews the challenge. Since their assignment is "ambitious," they'll be paired in teams using the button bag o' randomization. Each team must choose one model to work with, and one person per team must be the designated sacrifice, er, team leader. They'll have $300 and two days. And the teams are:

Kit & Ricky
Sweet P & Rami
Chris & Christian
Victorya & Jillian

Christian is psyched with his partner, since Chris does lots of crazy costume design. Chris has learned from previous experience and suggests that Christian take the leadership role, putatively because of his experience with Alexander McQueen. Christian whines but gets into it. They go with Marcia, who has the more "elegant" hair. Kit and Ricky choose Marie, because her hair reminds Kit of a bird's nest. Their concept will be "nesting." Since it's her idea, she's the leader. Sweet P defers to Rami as team leader "because my mind doesn't naturally go to the avant garde." Sam will be their model. Rami's idea is "hard and soft." Jillian and Victorya are civil but neither one will back down. Finally, they toss a coin substitute and Victorya gets to be in charge.

Mood. Shopping accomplished. Back to Parsons and down to work. Kit's "nesting" concept involves a girl in a garden wearing aprons to "represent layering." As opposed to just being layers. Chris uses wires to construct a frame for a neck piece. "I'm trying to build us a cell phone tower so we can call out," he jokes. Sweet P wonders, "How about if it takes us to Elisa's planet?" "Didn't you know?" Chris banters. "Elisa left me these instructions." Ha! I miss Elisa. She would have had fun with this one. Victorya and Jillian are going punk. Jillian worries because they both have trouble managing their time. Meanwhile, Rami tells Sweet P, "So, why don't you put it on the dress form and try to put a French seam in the center front, okay?" Like she's hopeless, but he's willing to let her try to help.

Sewing, sewing, sewing. Rami complains that Sweet P is slowing him down because he has to keep helping her, not that we see her ask for help. Sweet P interviews about all they finished in the first day, so they're ahead of schedule and what is Rami all stressed about? Rami is sure he's going to take the blame for any team "dysfunction." So far, he pretty much deserves to.

Morning. Sweet P worries about Rami's attitude. The designers get back to work. Sweet P wants more drama, maybe with a bustle, but Rami's gonna do what he wants to do. Tim gathers the designers for a "special announcement." "Gettin' scared of special announcement," Jillian murmurs. With good reason: The designers have to create a ready-to-wear look inspired by their avant-garde look, to be finished tonight. They manage not to throw up from sheer panic. One person per team will shop for 15 minutes with $50. The designers caucus. Sweet P suggests navy, like their pants, for a daytime look, but Rami doesn't think navy says "daytime." Rami seriously needs to unclench. He wants a sketch, but Sweet P doesn't really work that way, and Rami's just not in a trusting mood right now.

Kit, Christian, Sweet P and Jillian zip through Mood. They get back with 12 hours to work. Tim lets them have the models for a fitting. Sweet P thinks Rami has falafelized the bodice. Jillian mopes that everyone else is so close to done, plus Victorya has immunity. Christian teaches the models how to work it. Jay Alexander lives in fear. Rami declares that he is "entitled" to know when Sweet P will finish, as she assures him that she will, in fact, finish on time. He nags her some more, and then interviews that she's being "defensive." Sweet P cries a little from stress and Lea comforts her. She'd be better of bitch-slapping the prig. If he's worried about time, he should set deadlines and make sure they're making good progress, not nag her for completion estimates.

Tim brings in Nathaniel Hawkins, the lead hair stylist. He's going to help them "translate" the avant-garde hair style into an everyday style for the ready-to-wear look. Also, the winning team will get a TreSemmÈ ad in Elle. Consultations with the ready-to-wear models happen.

Tim checks in with Team Fierce. Their avant-garde look is "staggering" but he fears their ready-to-wear skirt is "cheap." Christian disagrees and declares his willingness to tell the judges so. Listen to Tim, you little twerp! Team Nesting is heading into costume territory; they need to "have it be exuberant." Team RamiRamiRami is doing Rami when they need to deliver the unexpected. "You have not seen me do corsets, Tim," Rami protests. Because his body of work defines what is avant-garde. Tim is worried. Rami "explains" that they "think differently." Sweet P thinks they work differently. She interviews that Tim's concerns about the Rami-ness of their dress has nothing to do with the way they work, other than Rami is being a control freak. Team Unbridled Emotion is worried about time, of course. Tim loves their avant-garde look and urges them to get things finished.

Time ticks. Jillian must have made a mistake, because she has a mini-meltdown at the sewing machine. Victorya and Jillian both have to finish their avant-garde pieces and haven't even started the ready-to-wear dress.

Morning of the runway show. Sweet P worries about Rami's mood again. Jillian gets going on the ready-to-wear dress. She interviews that she'll have to move "like the speed of light" to finish. I just can't wrap my brain around a zippy Jillian; it simply won't compute. Tim sends in the ready-to-wear models, since the avant-garde models are already getting their hair done. Hair. Makeup. Fitting. Last-minute touches. Tim gathers the designers; Victorya and Jillian are last out the door, of course.

The guest judge is Alberta Ferretti. Show time!

Rami/Sweet P: Sam wears a corset with attached skirt in various shades of beige over navy pants. The corset has Rami's patented mismatched boob details and lots of workmanship; the skirt is loose and flowing. The pants are just pants, and just wrong. Lea wears a one-shouldered grey sashed dress. The shoulder strap is satin and slants across to join a chiffon short skirt with a lighter tier peeking out at the bottom. It's wicked cute.
Chris/Christian: Marcia wears a long gown made out of layers and layers and layers and layers of beige organza. The cap-shaped sleeves are all ruffles, too. Rising up from the left shoulder is a large fan/wing, also in layers of organza. There's a neck ruff, too. The bodice has Christian's signature pleating, vertical this time. It's fabulous. Lisa wears a sleeveless blouse with ruffles down the front, like an exaggerated tuxedo shirt, and a plain brown pencil skirt. She looks like a secretary, but the connection to the avant-garde look is obvious.
Kit/Ricky: Marie wears a hoop skirt with tiers of calico-like fabrics banded with satin ribbons; the bodice is a corset in a lovely blue print and she has a sheer apron over it. The ribbons tangle up into a cascade down the back. It's definitely more costume than avant-garde. Amanda wears a V-neck halter dress in a calico print with a curving neck band fastening the halter. I guess it looks kind of apron-like, with the two little front pockets. It's very, very basic.
Victorya/Jillian: Jacqueline stomps down the runway in a high-collared black trench coat with a full skirt parting in front to reveal a lining of pink plaid. Underneath are cropped beige pants and a white full-skirted blouse with ruffles down the front. The coat is freaking fierce, the pants are blah and the blouse is interesting. Lauren wears a one-shouldered black dress; the skirt has a ruffled detail lined in pink plaid. I like the detail, but I wish they could have done more with it.

Rami, Sweet P, Kit and Ricky have the lowest scores. They have to go away with the judges fawn over the top pairs. Chris and Christian collaborated on their design, which used 45 yards of organza. "Just to let you know," Christian confides. Alberta calls it a couture dress. Michael raves over the avant-garde look but the skirt in the ready-to-wear look "a little bit of a throwaway, let's be honest." Christian agrees. Way to defend your skirt, twerp. Nina thinks they could be on a cover. Victorya explains that they were going for a punk mood with equestrian styling. The judges get the coat off and turn Jacqueline around; the pants are totally baggy (not that the judges say anything) and the top has some blue gingham strips slanting back and forth, sort of building a bustle. The judges love the top, and Nina thinks their dress is "cute." Jillian jokes that they really had three looks.

Now for the spankings. The judges love Sweet P's little dress, which Michael deems "more forward-looking than the avant-garde dress." Nina wants to see Rami do something other than draping. Alberta needs more volume from the corset gown. Michael gets a closer look at the pants, which are baggy in front. Sweet P explains that she wanted something bursting out the back of the gown. Rami says their clashing styles "took away from the loudness." Uh, no. Rami designed the corset dress exactly the way he wanted. Alberta pans Kit's dress as "a little Scarlett O'Hara, but in a cheap way." Michael thinks this is Scarlett using bedsheets instead of drapes. Nina wouldn't consider the look for an avant-garde shoot and has nothing good to say about the ready-to-wear dress, either.

The judges rehash. Chris and Christian had a "remarkable" avant-garde look and showed good teamwork. Heidi observes that they blended their styles. Nina loved all the pieces that Victorya and Jillian made; Michael thinks they'd appeal to lots of women. The judges are ready to see something other than draping from Rami, and aren't buying his excuses about Sweet P. They love her dress some more. Kit and Ricky weren't avant-garde and used cheap fabrics, but Michael and Heidi are impressed that they created a hoop from scratch. Nina declares the ready-to-wear look "amateur."

The designers return. Christian gets the win and immunity. He and Chris are safe. Victorya and Jillian are safe. Ricky is safe. Before Sweet P? Huh. Sweet P is safe, like there was any question. Rami gets blamed for his team's dysfunction, just as he predicted. Kit was fashion-backwards. Kit gets the boot. Rami is safe. Kit has no regrets because she doesn't believe in them. It's her loss and the show's loss that she's leaving, but she got lots of friendships out of it.

Right winner? Jillian's coat was a major contender, and the judges liked all the pieces that Team Unbridled Emotion produced. But overall, they weren't quite as forward-looking as Chris and Christian's fabulous layered extravaganza, so the decision makes sense. Also, they were the best collaborators; their look is clearly a product of both their viewpoints. Team Fierce could have locked it up by putting just a little effort into their skirt. A softer skirt made of two, possibly three, tiers would have enhanced the connection to the avant-garde look and gotten them out of secretary territory.

Right loser? As tired as I am of seeing Ricky skate through again, Kit was the creative leader of the team. Although I must say, Ricky's little ready-to-wear dress was rescued from complete nothingness only by Kit's weirdo fabric choice. Kit's problem wasn't that she was too conceptual, it was that she chose a concept that doesn't translate well visually. How are the judges supposed to get from "calico hoop dress" to "girl in garden" to "bird nest hair" to "nesting"? She would have been better off being more literal with the "nesting" idea and getting tangled and twiggy. I wouldn't have minded had they booted Ricky, but I can see the logic behind Kit's ouster. However, I suspect Sweet P's adorable dress saved her and Rami from the bottom rank. Kit was off-base, but she went for it. Rami's corset dress was same old Rami and the navy pants were a very lazy attempt to be edgy. They also had the worst team dynamic. Sweet P can get along with a challenging teammate -- she worked with Elisa, which was a definite mismatch in terms of work process -- so I think the blame for their dysfunction really belongs to Rami. He was clearly running scared throughout the whole challenge, and his way to deal with it was to turn into a control freak. Why do stressed people think that trying to control everything will reduce their stress? (Because they don't reason well under stress.) He's not a bad person, but he needs to learn from this experience.

High Fashion High

2008-02-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: Hershey's couture. Sweet P freaked out. Elisa worried Tim with her Gretel interpretation. Rami won. Elisa got the boot.

Morning. Victorya has to move in with the remaining women now that her roomie is gone. Off to Parsons. Heidi tells the designers that they have to design a dress for "one of the most important days in a woman's life." She brings out the models -- a gaggle of Catholic schoolgirls from New Jersey. The designers have to make them prom dresses. Prom is one of the most important days in a woman's life? Maybe if you subscribe to the idea that life is just high school extrapolated over time. Okay, sure, it's a significant event, but in the end, is it going to rank in the top ten memories of a lifetime? Not buying it. Anyway, Christian is so over prom. Once again demonstrating an ability to learn from past experience, the producers are letting the models choose the designers instead of the other way 'round. The girls have seen portfolios of the designers' work, so it's not just random.

Erika picks Jillian.
Brie picks Kit.
Tiziana picks Kevin.
Maddie picks Christian.
Katie picks Ricky.
Nicole picks Sweet P.
Jessica picks Victorya.
Krista picks Chris.
Bianca picks Rami.

The designers are still chortling in disbelief as the model/clients leave.

In the workroom, Tim cautions the designers that their clients will have opinions, which they will be responsible for managing. They'll have half an hour with their clients, $250 for shopping and two days to work. That seems reasonable. Consultations. Brie chose Kit for her edgy portfolio. However, Kit interviews that she thinks modesty is a good look for prom, so we'll get to see what modest edginess looks like. Kevin announces he's a New Jersey boy, so he knows how they roll down there, and we get our first designer-at-the-prom picture. See, how can it be one of the most important days in a woman's life if they drag out the pictures ten years later to embarrass you? Kevin promises to design a chastity belt into his dress. Victorya learns that she was the last designer chosen, but Jessica assures her that it's "fine" because she liked her portfolio. Various girls wants things cut low in all kinds of directions. Maddie has studied fashion design, so she starts sketching. Christian is trying to cope with all her demands. Tim sends the girls away and Christian writhes on the floor.

Shopping at Mood successfully accomplished. Back in the workroom, Christian boasts of being Best Dressed at his prom. "Is that your opinion or did you take a vote?" Chris wonders. Maddie and her demands have steamrollered all the fierce out of poor Christian. Workety work. Jillian realizes that her hair "is really big today." Kit was an Orange County Prom Princess. Also, a brunette. Ricky interviews that he learned to sew by watching his self-taught mom, but creativity wasn't encouraged because it didn't put food on the table.. He makes a product-placed call to Mom in subtitled Spanish. Does this mean he's getting booted? Time ticks. Designers poop out. Christian is depressed by the tackiness he has created.

Day two. The designers get back to work. Christian sets to work embellishing his monstrosity. Victorya is not happy with her dress. Christian suggests draping, and Victorya decides to change things up. Tim sends in the clients for a fitting, and they've brought along their mothers. This oughta be fun. Tizi's mom isn't happy with the "bulging" in front, but Kevin tells her, "It's the new baby-doll style that just came out." Again. Mom worries that Tizi looks pregnant. Well, Heidi did say this challenge was all about "creating memories." Fifty years from now, Tizi will still be squirming with embarrassment over that one. Jessica loves Victorya's changes, so it's all good. Krista's mom loves the color Chris picked. He wonders what they thought of his portfolio, what with all the photos of himself in extreme drag. Turns out they didn't realize that was Chris. I can understand that. The chin gets lost amongst the gargantuan wigs and the gargantuan boobs. Nicole's mom loves what Sweet P has done. Maddie is not thrilled with her dress. Sweet P assures her that Christian is very talented.

Back to work. Tim visits. Kevin explains that Tizi's mom was worried about the gathering at the waistline. Tim wonders about the hem, which Kevin might leave unfinished. He figures it's not like the judges will notice -- and it's not like the judges have been giving him any love, so I can see why he'd feel overlooked. Tim assures him that the judges have eagle eyes. Rami's dress is looking old, but he has immunity, so he isn't worried. Victorya has lots of work to do. Speaking of work, it's time to visit Christian. Tim is very worried about him, and reassures him, "I don't hate it." He wants to hear what Christian plans to improve things, but Christian is ready to give up. Tim sternly orders him, "Rally!" The designers keep plugging away, and time's up.

Morning. The boys wonder what Heidi would make for a prom dress. Back to work. The designers get a hour with the models before hair and makeup. Ricky confesses that he made his girlfriend's prom dress. "That should have been a clue right there, right?" Sweet P confesses to being a naughty Catholic school girl. Chris skipped prom in favor of old movies and booze. Good choice. Hair. Makeup. Chris mourns Kevin's failure to hem the skirt; it looks unfinished. Maddie chafes at all Christian's last minute finishing. Show time! Guest judge is Gilles Mendel of J. Mendel.

Sweet P/Nicole: Sleeveless halter gown in champagne satin. It's pretty simple, but it moves beautifully and Nicole looks like a movie star on a red carpet. Her walk is a little lacking in energy, but not bad.
Victorya/Jessica: Electric blue baby doll with a jeweled yoke panel intersecting the tight bodice -- Victorya's patented boob-smushing technology strikes again -- and a flowing bubble skirt. Jessica has the gawky walk and hunched posture of a too-tall girl, but I wonder how well the yoke panel and bodice would fit if she stood up straight.
Chris/Krista: Leaf green sleeveless halter gown with ruched sweetheart bodice flowing into a long drape of fabric which partially hides the thigh-high front slit in the flowing skirt; in the back is a train attached to the back straps with a metal circle. Krista barrels down the runway, but her speed makes the dress move beautifully. It's a great glamorous gown.
Kevin/Tizi: Red silk sleeveless halter dress with a short, flared skirt and some horizontal stitching forming an empire waistband. Pretty simple-looking, given all the time. Tizi walks confidently but is a little jerky, especially in her poses.
Jillian/Erika: Tea-length gown in light turquoise with a patterned bodice of darker blue/green fabrics and spaghetti straps. The bodice doesn't fit well, but the layered skirt is beautiful. Erika has a lackluster walk.
Christian/Maddie: Brown satin dress with a sweetheart bodice and a poofy skirt over black netting, embellished with black embroidery flowers and vines. The skirt is shorter in back than in front, which is probably not intentional. Maddie's walk is too careful and her arms swing from side to side.
Kit/Brie: Knee-length halter dress in electric blue; the bodice is made of panels of red, blue and green separated by black and banded at the bottom with more black. I don't like the way the halter straps attach to the waistband, but the length is perfect. Erika's stride is rather stiff.
Ricky/Katie: Blush-pink strapless baby doll with a bubble hem and an empire waist with silvery embellishments and a bow at the right. Katie's walk is a little slow, but smooth (as are her poses).
Rami/Bianca: Typical Rami draped halter bodice fitted on the right and draped down the left to fold into a tight, horizontally ruched skirt down to mid-thigh, where swings free down to the knee. It's somewhat reminiscent of a flapper dress in the way the lower skirt moves. The color is sort of a cross between grass green and olive -- not a youthful green. Bianca has to keep looking at her feet when she walks, but she poses well.

Kit, Jillian and Chris are all safe. Really? I thought Chris's glamorous creation was a top three for sure. The rest try to withstand the judges' scrutiny. Sweet P tried to combine a Grecian influence with Hollywood glamour. Nina finds it awfully sophisticated, but Michael pooh-poohs that. Everyone likes the color and Heidi tells Nicole, "I think you look gorgeous." Kevin chose red to complement Tizi's skin tones. Nina and Michael think the dress is too old, and Michael notices the unfinished hem. Victorya's dress hits the judges's sweet spot of fashion and fun. Christian starts off by bemoaning how difficult Maddie was. Heidi likes the dress, particularly the color and the detailing, but Gilles and Nina find it too busy. Gilles and Nina are not impressed with Ricky's exectution; Heidi and Michael pronounce the color boring. Rami was going for something different. Gilles doesn't like the color, and Nina thinks it's too sophisticated. Rami is proud to have stuck to his sophisticated aesthetic, but Michael thinks it's a dress for a much older woman.

The judges rehash. Sweet P made something elegant but simple. Victorya nailed the modern prom dress. Rami made a beautiful dress for a society matron. Christian's dress was too busy and he was too ready to point the finger at Maddie. Ricky made a nothing of a dress. Kevin's dress looked cheap.

The designers return. Victorya gets the win and immunity. Sweet P is safe. Ricky is safe. Rami is safe. Of course, he had immunity, so there was never any doubt. Kevin's look was cheap and Tizi looked old. Christian fought with his client. Kevin is out. Christian is safe. Kevin is clearly hurt and defensive but keeps it positive.

Right winner? Ugh. I like blue, so I don't mind the color. I do mind the tacky jeweled yoke and the patented boob-smashing technology. If you're flat-chested and pot-bellied, I suppose this is the dress for you. Sweet P and Chris both delivered glamour without being too sophisticated. I still don't see why Chris wasn't in the top three.

Right loser? Good grief, how does Ricky skate through again? He spent two days on a nothing dress in a nothing color with nothing much for trim, and it still looked badly made. Dismissing him before Rami is a joke. Not only did Rami have immunity, but his dress was beautifully (if busily) constructed. Christian's was also busily constructed and suffered from a bad color choice; he deserved his spot in the bottom two. Kevin's dress wasn't great, but it was a fun, flirty little number. They all missed the target, but I think Kevin came closer than either Ricky or Christian. So overall, the judges really screwed the pooch this time around.

The Candy Man Can

2008-01-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers recycled the clothes of women who lost a lot of weight. Jack had to withdraw for medical treatment. Chris returned to applause. Steven drew the wedding dress. Christian won. Elisa was scolded for not representing her client, but Steven got the boot for his French-maid-at-a-funeral not-much-of-a-wedding-dress dress.

Morning. Kevin now has his apartment to himself. The rest of the guys chew over Steven's dismissal. The women ponder what kind of curveball they'll be thrown next. Sweet P interviews that she's happy to still be in the mix, so I start saying my goodbyes. Off to Parsons!

Heidi comes out with dark red lips and slicked over bangs. It's kind of like a cartoon version of Gwyneth Paltrow. Not loving it. Time for a model mix-up:

Christian grabs the much-coveted Lea, and then mouths an apology to the abandoned Lisa.
Kit stays with Marie.
Jillian keeps Lauren.
Sweet P, apparently too startled at being called before the end to gather her thoughts, stays with the graceless Katie. She's a lovely girl, but she can. not. walk.
Victorya stays with Jacqueline.
Elisa stays with Aviva, who is also kind of a stork. Are they too busy looking at their clothes on the runway to notice the models' walks?
Chris keeps Marcia, as he should.
Rami switches to Sam of the glorious red hair, formerly Steven's model
Kevin keeps Amanda.
Ricky rescues the abandoned Lisa.

Ashley and Christina are out. Ashley is bland, but Christina is cute and doesn't deserve to be going this early. Heidi declines to divulge any details about the challenge; instead, they'll go on an early morning field trip. You know what that means -- Tim Gunn waking up sleepy designers! Which he does, at the not-really-scandalous hour of 6 a.m. Kit is embarrassed to be in her PJs and braless in front of Tim. Chris wants to know where Tim's footie pajamas are.

The designers gather downstairs and traipse through New York after Tim, eventually arriving in Times Square. Specifically, the Hersheys store. Yay, chocolate! Jillian, of all people, is bouncing up and down. Elisa is delighted with the "magic, magic, magic" of candy, but Christian is (as usual) so over it. They get to use anything in the store as their raw materials. No budget, just five minutes to grab up whatever they want. Fortunately, the store has pillows and stuffed animals and other branded foofaraw, not just candy. They'll have one day to work. The designers scramble to get their goods. Chris has actually made clothing from food, so he knows better than to mess with it. Jillian has trouble dragging her Twizzler haul out of the store.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 13 hours to finish, so they dig into their materials. Jillian is the only one working with candy. Sweet P murders some stuffed bears. Christian unwraps a bazillion Reese's peanut butter cups. Chris is going op-art. He interviews that "real food is not practical." Jillian frets that she's going to ruin her scissors cutting all the Twizzlers. Rami wants to keep his project manageable. Elisa is using her daughter Calliope as inspiration. She interviews that she was hit by a car in London and had serious head injuries. Being the show is a way to make up for lost opportunities. Kevin is making something wearable. Christian finishes early and goes around critiquing everyone. He interviews that the other designers "don't have a real direction because they think about their things so much." Shut up, Christian. Kevin is ready to "off" him. Sweet P isn't happy with her dress. Christian recommends major editing, but she starts over.

Tim time. He urges Victorya to forsake the bland and "take it further." Tim thinks Rami has made an outfit for Jillian, who agrees that she would wear it. Elisa is attempting to channel Gretel, but Tim wants more exuberance. Jillian is having time management issues; her materials turned out to be "tedious" to work with. Tim thinks Sweet P's new skirt is too reminiscent of paper products, so she starts over once again. Tim warns them that they won't have much time in the morning, so they need to finish tonight. Workety-work montage. Chris finishes. Instead of picking on everyone else, he goes off for a nap. Jillian frets as time winds down. Sweet P tries to rally her as they head home.

Morning. Elisa hopes to get through the challenge safely and make it to the final three. Now I have to worry about her, too. Jillian continues to fret about candy falling off her dress. Back to work! Models. Fitting. Jillian stresses. Chris feels for her. Lauren helps her sew Twizzlers on. Hair. Makeup. Designers worry about damage to delicate constructions. Jillian is last out the door.

Hersheys will auction off all the outfits for charity. Guest judge is Zac Posen, that little cutie. Show time!

Ricky/Lisa: Silver corset, brown and silver bubble mini skirt. The silhouette is like a Hershey's kiss. It's appropriate for the challenge, but I can't see anyone actually wearing a skirt that poofy.
Chris/Marcia: Strapless sheath dress with brown and silver graphical elements running vertically, ending in a brown mini skirt. It's very sharp and complete wearable.
Kit/Marie: Strapless top of red Kit-Kat wrappers, knee-length flared skirt of giant Hershey bar wrappers, belt studded with Rollos. I think the mix of two patterns is too busy, and the belt (while inventive) just makes Marie's waist look big.
Elisa/Aviva: Brown velvet sleeveless dress with sweetheart bodice bordered in pink and silver, detached silver poofy sleeves at the elbows, asymmetrical hem with some Hershey's printing on the back. I'm not getting Gretel. The parts that aren't weird are just ordinary.
Kevin/Amanda: Silver corset with little Reese's pieces buttons, dark brown bolero jacket with elbow-length sleeves ending in ruffles, cocoa pencil skirt with a little silver ruffle along the hem. Very elegant. It doesn't look like he made it from a candy store.
Christian/Lea: Sleeveless halter dress covered in the brown paper cups of Reese's peanut butter cups. In motion and from a distance, the light hitting the paper creates a lacy effect. Up close and not moving, it's kind of whack.
Sweet P/Katie: Silver strapless bodice, white dirndl skirt with a stripe-y effect in pale blue printing (the tags from Hershey's kisses). Cute, but bland. Katie half-heartedly tosses Hershey's kisses from a silver sack.
Rami/Sam: Sleeveless V-neck halter bodice in a red patterned plastic material over a pleated skirt in pink with dark polka-dots. In the back, the bodice has criss-crossing straps. The construction is clearly very intricate, and it's beautifully put together. Cute, cute, cute.
Jillian/Lauren: Red breastplate-like corset of coiled Twizzlers in red and dark purple, red skirt with two layers of red Twizzler "fringe." It's a significant achievement with all the candy, but the design itself doesn't grab me.
Victorya/Jacqueline: Apron-like top with ruffled shoulder straps, three-tiered ruffled skirt. The middle tier is silver, as is a ruffle across the apron top; everything else is obviously the reverse of the silver paper -- a matte white finish. Jacqueline walks with her hands held stiffly to the sides. Victorya hopes this will evoke ice princess but she looks like an adult version of a kiddie pageant contestant.

Ricky, Christian, Kit and Kevin are all safe. Zac and Michael love Rami's construction; Michael thinks it really captures the spirit of a candy challenge. Elisa was hoping to evoke candy without using candy, but Heidi and Michael find it dull, not joyful. Zac and Nina like the sexy, playful attitude of Jillian's candy outfit and Michael calls it "adorable." However, he doesn't believe Victorya's claims that she would wear her ruffled apron dress. Heidi is getting "Dairy Queen." Zac finds Chris's dress too staid, but Michael (knowing his background) thinks he made a smart choice to edit himself and Nina is ready to put it in the magazine. Sweet P gets dinged for being boring; she mentions starting over as an excuse for not showing much effort.

The judges recap. They've worried about Chris's taste level in the past, but not this time. Rami wowed the judges with his construction. Jillian also impressed them with the only edible garment. Elisa gave "sad" instead of "avant garde." Victorya wasn't inventive with her materials. Sweet P was also boring.

The designers return. Chris is safe. (Yay!) Rami gets the win and immunity. Jillian is safe. Victorya is safe. Elisa wasn't playful. Sweet P was boring. Sweet P is safe. Elisa is out. (No!) She thanks the judges for an "amazing" experience. She feels "fortified" by her time with the other contestants. Tim gives her a big ol' hug.

Right loser? Elisa's outfit was disappointing, so I can't argue against her being in the bottom three. I'm just not sure I can be objective about her dismissal. Sweet P is a perfectly nice human being, but Elisa is more interesting as both a person and a designer. She was at least trying to create something with a point of view, while Sweet P didn't aspire to much more than a finished garment. Victorya had a bonkers dress, followed by a bonkers runway presentation and a bonkers runway defense, but the ruffles did convey a sense of fun and whimsy. I'd be quite willing to sacrifice Sweet P in order to save Elisa, but I'm not 100% certain the outfits justify it.

Right winner? Rami's pleated skirt and strappy bodice were simply stellar. I loved it from the moment I saw it. Chris also did excellent work, but I think Ram surpassed him. So the judges got this one right, at least.

Downsizing

2008-01-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers teamed up to combine bad trends. Steven was assured Chris's jacket would be smashing. Ricky suggested not fighting, but Victorya wasn't on board with that. Jillian won. Team Ricky had bad teamwork. Chris got the boot. (Sob!)

We interrupt the usual mourning of the departed with a health bulletin: Jack suspects he has another staph infection. And off to Parsons we go! Heidi brings out the models. No, not those models. Out walks a woman in an over-sized bridal dress. Several other women follow, all wearing clothes that are too big. Steven suspects they're relatives of the designers, except he doesn't recognize any of them. Heidi reveals that the models have all lost a lot of weight; they're wearing their favorite fat clothes. The models introduce themselves and reveal how much weight they've lost. Given that the lowest amount lost is 45 pounds, the designers are all thoroughly impressed. Heidi assigns them the challenge of making new outfits from the old favorite clothes. Kevin is psyched but Christian is skeered. Demonstrating that the producers can occasionally learn from past mistakes, Heidi assigns the models to the designers using the handy-dandy button bag o' randomization:

Steven: Laura (wedding gown) lost 136 lbs.
Jack: Silvia (houndstooth jacket, black shirt, jeans) lost 58 lbs.
Jillian: Erika (red shirt, black pants) lost 60 lbs.
Elisa: Tracy (red shirt, black pants) lost 102 lbs.
Kevin: Elyse (yellow jacket, black shirt and pants) lost 48 lbs.
Rami: Lisa (floral top, brown pants) lost 56 lbs.
Ricky: Penny (cream top, jeans) lost 65 lbs.
Christian: Kerry (black shirt, dark jeans) lost 45 lbs.
Victorya: Ory (green velvet dress) lost 139 lbs.
Kit: Alicia (black/white print top, black pants) lost 165 lbs.
Sweet P: Chris (olive shirt and skirt) lost 100 lbs.

Steven is less than thrilled to be dealing with a wedding dress, which he figures to be the kiss of death. Man up, dude.

Workroom. Tim reports that they have until midnight to work. He reads off a whimsical note that Chris left, so we can wallow in the misery of his departure. Back to the challenge -- the new outfit has to be something for everyday, but express the designer's point of view. They get 30 minutes to consult with their clients. Victorya interviews that "the rules are completely different" for non-model-sized women. Say what? Kevin and Elisa are enjoying the challenge. Christian's client has a whole bunch of "I won't wear" rules that he has to accommodate. Steven is basically stuck; sequined, beaded, lace-covered white polyester satin isn't translating to daytime wear. Now I really want a make-over-a-bridesmaid-dress challenge. Maybe next season.

The designers get $10 and 15 minutes at Mood to supplement their raw materials. Jillian buys matching fabric; her client's shirt is too piece-y to deconstruct. Well, then use the pants instead. Steven buys black stretch cotton to make the outfit; he'll use the wedding dress as trim. Basically, he panics and bails on the challenge.

Back in the workroom, the designers settle down to work. Jack is still having problems with his face, but the treatment will require leaving. He interviews that the problem isn't related to his HIV status, since his immune system is functional. This leaves me wondering how on earth he's picked up two drug-resistant staph infections when pretty much everyone gets through life without getting any. Jack makes a call to his doctor and then talks to Tim. They come back, and Jack announces that he has to withdraw. Everyone hugs the guy with the drug-resistant staph infection, which kinda freaks me out. These are some serious germs, people! Treat them with respect! Jack is, of course, very sad, because he worked so hard and he loved meeting everyone. And I am, of course, very sad, because it's a tough break for him. This is where I would normally insert good wishes, but it turns out he's healthy and dating Dale from Top Chef season 3, so we know he's okay.

The remaining designers perform the ritual mourning of the departed as they work. Ricky puts on some high heels with his client's jeans, purportedly to see how the jeans will look with heels, but he looks really comfy in heels and spends a whole lotta time posing in front of the mirror, so I have doubts. With six hours on the clock, Tim is ready to send the clients in for fittings. But first: Chris returns! There is much rejoicing. The designers are happy to see him, too. Chris is taking over Jack's client, and he can work through the night to catch up with the others. The clients arrive. Pinning and chatting ensue. The clients leave. Chris wishes he had Steven's wedding dress to work with. So does Steven.

Tim comes in for a review. To Christian: "So how fierce is it?" Tim approves of the Christian-like qualities in the look. Tim wants to make sure Elisa is working with her client's style as well as her own. Steven is "very courageous" to discard so much of the original material. Tim wants to make sure that Chris avoids the costume trap with his nautical inspiration. He advises making decisions early, while Chris still has a functional brain. "'Cause I've made more bad decisions at three o'clock in the morning than I can list," Tim confesses. Steven demands names as the designers enjoy the chance to tease Tim. Frantic workety-work montage. Christian finishes. Sweet P wonders if it's "against the law to kill a twelve year old" but Chris thinks he hasn't made it to twelve yet. At midnight, everyone but Chris heads out.

Morning. The designers return to find Chris snoring on a sofa. Steven is in the weeds. The models arrive for the model routine. Fittings. Hair. Makeup. Ricky gets all teary about how he transformed Penny through fashion. I think Penny did most of the transforming; Ricky just changed the clothes. Kevin pitches in to help Steven, who resorts to fabric glue in desperation. Ricky also seems to be lending a hand, as well as Victorya. Steven seems about ready to stroke out from stress. Show time! Guest judge is Patrick Robinson, head designer for The Gap.

Sweet P/Chris: olive green halter dress with putty-colored straps and piping around the bodice. It's a nice dress, if a bit simple, but the dark stockings really up the drab factor.
Jillian/Erika: red V-neck halter dress with black piping trim. The trim is badly placed, creating the outline of an even smaller woman inside the contours of the dress, and the fit is baggy under the arms. But Erika seems happy with it.
Ricky/Penny: tan V-neck tunic with wide black trim at neck and elbows, belted under the bust; cropped jeans. It's nice and flattering, but completely ordinary. Penny seems pleased but she walks like her pants are too tight.
Chris/Silvia: black pencil skirt with red kick pleat, pocket square and bow; blue sleeveless top with seashell-shaped bust and wide shoulder straps. The skirt is a bit long and all the red stuff is too much, but it fits well. Silvia gives it some sassy attitude.
Christian/Kerry: black jacket with short puffy sleeves and horizontally pleated front placket; tan t-shirt; jeans. Very sharp. Kerry has a nice, strong walk and sells it.
Victorya/Ory: green velvet short-sleeved sheath dress; the top portion reverses the velvet for some visual/textural interest. There's a round pin at the center of the waist where the top joins the skirt -- it looks like a belt, but isn't. I don't know if that's a styling choice or what. I think the skirt is too slim; something more floaty (A-line, not pencil) would work better.
Elisa/Tracy: belted short black tank dress over a navy knee-length underskirt; red unstructured jacket. All the hems are shorter in front and longer in back, especially on the jacket. Unfortunately, the shape of the jacket makes her hips look wider. Tracy tries to sell it with a couple of devil's horns poses, but her walk is pretty staid.
Kit/Alicia: sleeveless dress with salmon-pink skirt over black/white print underskirt, surplice top of black/white print edged in pink over white lacy "camisole." The underskirt almost seems constraining; it would work better if the print trimmed the pink instead of peeking out from beneath. But it's cute and fun, and Alicia flirts with the floaty skirt.
Kevin/Elyse: yellow strapless top/dress with black piping and buttons; black cropped leggings. The top is hip-length with a flared "skirt," which makes a wide area of the body look wider. But Elyse just owns the runway like a fashion goddess, so you could be forgiven for not noticing.
Steven/Laura: black sheath dress with wide square neckline bordered on the sides with white, white cuffs at elbow. Unfortunately, it's not chic enough to be classic. I don't see where all the time went that left him scrambling to finish.
Rami/Lisa: high-waisted brown pencil skirt; sleeveless V-neck top in cream floral print. The top almost looks like a bathing suit, it's that close-fitting. The whole outfit is very body-conscious, but Lisa looks curvy, not sausage-like. She works it confidently with va-va-voom poses.

Steven, Christian, Chris, Kevin, Jillian and Elisa are held for questioning. Everyone knows that Elyse loves Kevin's outfit, but Michael is over the leggings. All the judges think Tracy's outfit doesn't suit her personality, like they know her so well from the thirty seconds she spent on the runway. Michael has the more pertinent objection that the outfit chops Tracy up into multiple horizontal bands. Jillian gets called out for making the dress out of new material, but all the judges like the dress. Steven also abandoned most of his source material, and the judges are disappointed with such a somber transformation. Christian is praised for incorporating his vision with his client's tastes, making something commercial but still fashionable. Patrick thinks the red decorations on Chris's skirt distract from the "beautiful" top, but Chris figures Silvia needs the punch of red to match her personality. Michael calls it a costume for a "hooker with a heart of gold."

The judges rehash. Kevin's model was loving the way she looked. Christian nailed it. Jillian's dress was great, even though she tossed the original shirt. Elisa didn't reflect Tracy and chopped up the body. Steven's dress was just disappointing; they were all looking forward to something fabulous. Chris was costume-y but they like the top. So I suspect he'll be safe.

The designers return. Jillian is safe. Christian gets the win and immunity. Kevin is safe. No, I like everyone in the bottom three! Chris is safe. (Whew!) Steven is out. (No!) Elisa is safe. (Whew!)

Right winner? I don't have any issues with Christian's outfit, and I do with Kevin's and Jillian's outfits, so I agree with the winner. I would have put Rami in the top three instead of Jillian, though.

Right loser? Steven went into a panic and stayed there. It turns out Laura was hoping for a dress that she could wear at a renewal of her vows. I think Steven should have brazened it out -- made that dress and then described it as "suitable for church." If you can make cocktail and party dresses for an "everyday" challenge, why not a nice church outfit? Since Steven likes classic lines, do a nice dress or skirt and shell, and then a fancy jacket. If you go with simple separates, it's easier to argue that you can mix the pieces into other everyday looks. Of all the other creative ideas out there, I like the lingerie suggestion the best. I figured Chris was safe because the worst parts of his outfit were easily corrected -- just remove some of the red bits and hike up the skirt a couple of inches -- and the result was at least nicely finished. Elisa's look wasn't classic enough for everyday Tracy or daring enough for Tracy's wild side, and the layers weren't flattering, so she was a contender for the loss. But she tried, and Steven didn't, and that's why I can't justify booting anyone else.

Trend Blends

2007-12-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: Tiki Barber challenged the designers to make an outfit for him. Much freaking out ensued. Jack won with stripes. Ricky pinned his jacket together. Carmen didn't make a shirt, so she got the boot.

Morning meandering. Parsons. Heidi gives brings out Cheron (Marion's model), Annelita (Carmen's model) and Christina (Jack's model). As the most recent challenge winner, Jack gets to choose a new model. What about Victorya, the winner of the Bitten challenge? Shouldn't she get a bite at the model apple? Anyway, Jack decides he doesn't want any of 'em, and nabs Lea from Ricky, who stole her from Elisa himself, so he has no grounds for whining about it. And yet, he whines. So Ricky gets Christina, and Cheron and Annelita get the boot. Which sucks, because they're both better walkers than some of the models left. Heidi sends them off to see Tim for their challenge.

With Tim is Nina Garcia, who brought pictures of "hideous fashion trends," as Chris helpfully describes them. Nina explains that the pictures are all examples of trends that are out. The designers have to pick:

Jack: pleather
Victorya: underwear as outerwear
Christian: zoot suits (gotta stick with the blazers)
Rami: poodle skirt
Kit: fringe
Elisa: cut-outs
Jillian: overalls (which she happens to be wearing)
Ricky: neon
Kevin: 70s flare
Chris: shoulder pads
Steven: dancewear
Sweet P: baggy sweater

Nina informs them that they'll work in teams of three. They'll have to create three looks incorporating all three trends, but updated for the modern woman. Tim gives them one minute to form teams. And go! It actually settles out pretty quickly. Each team gets $225, an hour to sketch and 2 days to work. They have to pick team leaders, because God forbid people just cooperate.

Chris, Steven and Sweet P
Steven and Sweet P nominate Chris as leader, and he lets them, which is probably why they did it. Steven suggests they all just sketch their own ideas, since he just doesn't see their trends meshing. They'll use "color and silhouette" to make the looks cohesive. I think they gave up too easily on the most creative part of the challenge.
Christian, Jack, Kit
Christian gets to be the leader, probably because he's young enough to find that flattering. They plan to incorporate all the trends into all the looks, but they also decide to relegate pleather and fringe to the accessories, so I'm not sure they mean it.
Elisa, Ricky, Victorya
Ricky takes the leader role so Victorya won't micro-manage them to death. Except Victorya then starts micro-managing the design discussion, and won't let people contribute ideas outside their own trends, which is stupid and arbitrary. Shut up, Victorya. But it sounds like they're trying to blend the trends together.
Jillian, Kevin, Rami
Jillian gets the leader slot because her personal style is in tune with their trends. They try to incorporate all three trends in all three looks.

Off to Mood. There's much running around, and then it's back to Parsons to get to work. Steven worries about Chris' jacket. Elisa needs a draping lesson, so Ricky uses his dance background to translate his instructions into Elisa/pothead vernacular. Jillian frets about Kevin's speed. The day ends.

The day begins. Everyone gets back to work. Steven tries out a Tim Gunn impression that is more realistic but less compelling than the Santino version; his Tim informs the designers that they're all screwed and their situations are hopeless. His fellow designers appreciate the effort. It still seems to be pretty calm in the workroom. Victorya critiques Ricky's work, but he'd rather she concentrate on her own work.

Tim sends in the models for a fitting session. Sweet P worries that Steven's look doesn't blend. Kevin's model is bigger than anticipated, so his tailoring is off, so now he has a crisis. Victorya decides her outfit sucks, so she has to change everything. Which she proceeds to do without discussing it with the others. Jillian frets about Kevin's progress. Except she addresses Rami, not Kevin.

Tim comes in for a review. He approves the modernity of Team Christian. Team Chris has a problem with cohesion, and the jacket is dated. Tim teases that Team Jillian made outfits for Jillian, which makes Kevin and Rami laugh. Jillian, on the other hand, flatly says that's why they made her the leader. I'm confused. On the one hand, Jillian appears to have no sense of humor; on the other hand, she frequently dresses like Ann Miller's understudy. What's up with that? Team Ricky needs to work on their finishing. Victorya starts telling Tim about how she came up with all the designs, which she would tweak "in a perfect world" -- where she has underlings instead of peers to deal with -- and Tim gets confused because Ricky's the team leader. Man, this is where I'd love to get Tim's Take on the situation, but I suspect we'll have to wait until after the season ends. Maybe at the reunion show. He urges them to be cohesive.

So Ricky and Victorya have a discussion, wherein Ricky tries to explain his position and Victorya tries to make Ricky be in the wrong. To start off, he brings up the way she changed the design without talking to anyone, which she addresses by saying the design was messed up. But she already participated in the design discussion with her teammates, so why didn't she deal with the problems then? And what kept her from talking to Ricky about it? Ricky suggests that she just be a team player, but Victorya won't compromise like that. Then she asks why Ricky took the leadership spot. Ricky suggests she take the leader title, since she's being the leader, but Victorya doesn't want to be leader. She just wants to beat Ricky up for not being the leader she would have been. Then she goes off to work, promising to hash things out some more later.

Jillian frets to Rami some more about Kevin, but won't nag Kevin because she doesn't think she should have to. And yet, he's behind, and she's willing to nag Rami about Kevin, so why not nag productively? Victorya tells Ricky he couldn't make decisions, but Ricky was happy with his decisions, so I guess he made some. Just not the ones Victorya would have made. Ricky counters that Victorya was too busy poking her nose in his work to concentrate on her own, although distraction is not the reason she redid her outfit. They both "stand by" their work.

Morning. Off to Parsons to finish up. Tim gives them two hours to deal with the models. Fittings. Victorya likes to flatten the bust because other people do it, which Ricky finds insulting to his lingerie background. Look, I get that she's a pain, but interpreting a preference (however odd) as an insult is taking things waaaaaaay too personally. Ricky suggests a different fit, and Victorya eventually decides she likes it. Makeup. Hair. Kevin finishes the shorts. Jillian feels bad for doubting him.

Runway. Heidi introduces guest judge Donna Karan. And showtime!

Team Jillian/Kevin/Rami (overalls/70s flare/poodle skirt)
1. Jillian/Lauren: Overalls with a fitted, V-neck bodice and flared legs in denim, over a gauzy top in pale blue. Definitely a sleeker version of overalls. In fact, they're starting to lose the "overall" flavor and head into catsuit territory.
2. Kevin/Amanda: Denim high-waisted shorts, sleeveless top with a puffy ruff turtleneck in a small print. I'm not fond of the ruff, but the shorts are definitely sleek and fit with the overalls
3. Rami/Ashley: Denim sundress with double-ruffled skirt and calico trim at all the seams. The tiers of the skirt and all the lines of the trim make it busy, not sleek; I don't think it fits well with the other two looks.
Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P (shoulder pads, dancewear, baggy sweater)
1. Chris/Marcia: Long sleeveless tan dress with a gathered scoop neckline, brown print bolero jacket with bell sleeves. The stiff shiny jacket fabric doesn't blend with the nubbly fabric of the dress. I'd rather see the jacket in black, to echo the palette of the other pieces. And frankly, the shortness of the jacket is kind of weird with the length of the dress. Which looks simple but not bad without the jacket.
2. Sweet P/Katie: Sleeveless tan knit dress with a slightly ballooned hem gathered into a black band at the bottom and a deep V-neck over a black turtleneck dickey. I'm not in love with the turtleneck, but this is exactly what the challenge asked for -- a modern-looking dress which incorporates the feel of a baggy sweater.
3. Steven/Sam: Black leggings, sleeveless wrap top in a champagne satin with black belt. It looks more like a gi (martial arts jacket) than dance wear, and the shiny top doesn't blend with the matte fabrics of the other looks.
Team Christian/Jack/Kit (zoot suit, pleather, fringe)
1. Christian/Lea: Pinstripe pencil skirt, silvery halter top with high band collar, black blazer with wide V-neck. I don't like the way the top gathers at the neckline; it seems floppy where it should be sleek. And I don't get that top with the blazer. But otherwise, it's a fairly polished suit.
2. Jack/Lisa: Black leggings; grey smock dress with wide pinstripes, short sleeves and a wide scoop neck with heavy black (almost faux-fur looking) trim. I'm surprised that I don't dislike it, but somehow it works.
3. Kit/Marie: Black-and-white paisley print sleeveless sheath dress with a pinstripe vest and long faux tie. It's very sharp, but I suspect the fabrics look better close up than on the runway.
Team Ricky/Elisa/Victorya (neon, cut-outs, underwear as outerwear)
1. Ricky/Christina: Satin dress with red skirt and waistband, yellow strapless-bra-shaped bodice and pale yellow sheer fabric finishing the bodice to a jewel neck. It looks awfully wrinkled, which is probably not what he was going for.
2. Elisa/Aviva: Black one-shouldered slip dress with geometric "cut-outs" revealing different colors beneath. It would be a nicer dress if the satin weren't so stiff.
3. Victorya/Jacqueline: Strapless dress with corset-like color-blocked bodice in red and blue, short ruffled blue skirt. It looks like a figure-skating costume, except there would be nude fabric to finish off the bodice, as with Ricky's dress. (Figure skating has firm rules about proper coverage -- no more spinning your boobs out of your bodice.) It has the best movement and finishing of the three, but it's not something I'd expect to see worn off the ice.

The judges saw a "clear winner," so Team Jillian gets the win right off the top for a cohesive and modern collection. Team Christian is also safe. That leaves Team Chris and Team Ricky to brave the judges' wrath. Team Chris goes first and the judges immediately complain about the lack of cohesion. They don't see anything dancer-like in Steven's outfit. They like Sweet P's dress. Chris didn't update shoulder pads. Nina gets Team Ricky's concept, but not the construction. Donna likes Elisa's slip dress and Victorya's fit. Victorya gives Ricky credit for the fit. Nina gets on Ricky's case for his lack of finish, but he says he was busy helping his teammates and Elisa backs him up. Ricky takes the blame for the fabric choice, which Michael thinks put them at a disadvantage.

Heidi starts asking about the teamwork. I'll keep saying it: If you're going to judge the teamwork, you gotta observe the teamwork. She asks Victorya to talk about Ricky's leadership; Victorya talks about her own role and the judges call her on it. Michael thinks the bad teamwork shows in the clothes. Victorya nominates Ricky as the team sacrifice; Ricky nominates Victorya; Elisa picks herself. Because Elisa doesn't play these games. Over on Team Chris, both Steven and Chris pick Chris as their sacrifice, while Sweet P agonizes and then nominates Steven for not blending.

The judges review. Team Ricky tried to have a collection. Ricky's outfit was poorly constructed. Victorya was pushy. Team Chris lacked cohesion and relevance. Steven had the sore thumb outfit. The judges hate everything about the jacket. The designers return. Sweet P is safe. "Lisa" is safe. Steven is safe. Victorya is safe. Ricky is safe; Chris is out. Wahhhhhhhh! Geez, Ricky is all played out; cut him loose already.

Right winner? I think Team Christian had better clothes, but didn't address the challenge as well as Team Jillian. Christian's team really toned down their trends. The pleather wasn't even visible, the fringe was barely recognizable, and the zoot suit was represented by the fabric, not the silhouettes. They essentially made it easier for themselves. Jillian's team kept their trends intact and still made them (mostly) work.

Right loser? Sob. Team Ricky at least had a cohesive concept, although it didn't really deliver on the challenge. The silhouettes were recognizable takes on underwear, but the colors weren't neon and the cut-outs weren't exactly cut-outs. Elisa's dress was the only one that looked like something someone might wear today. Team Chris didn't bother to come up with a concept, which I think was their biggest mistake, but they had better clothes. Sweet P's dress was spot-on for the challenge. Steven's outfit wasn't dancer-y and it didn't blend with the others, but it worked on its own. Chris missed with the jacket, but his dress was nice. I'm trying to figure out how anyone could make shoulder pads modern. Perhaps using them to create "volume" -- assuming that trend hasn't faded from the runways, too. Put the bell sleeves on Steven's wrap top and construct it from a thin knit rather than a shiny satin, and you have something more dancer-like. A little cross-pollination would have helped them so much.

I wish the judges had booted Ricky, but Chris is a reasonable choice. Ricky was distracted by bad team dynamics; Chris didn't have any such excuse. I'm not sure he really had a team, which is kinda the problem. Well, I'm sure he'll be fine back in the real world, but I would have liked to see more of his work.

Controversy: Victorya or Ricky? I think they were both being pains. Victorya didn't want to be the leader, but then she started bossing people around for the design discussion. I suspect she would have been better if Ricky had been stronger and challenged her more; I think she works out her ideas more through conflict rather than cooperation. It can be hard on the coworkers if they aren't prepared for the clash of ideas. Ricky started taking things a little too personally and let his wounded feelings distract him from the issues at hand. But overall, I think Victorya was more at fault. She has to be able to work outside her comfort zone, or explain what she needs/expects from her teammates to succeed. Just assuming that people will perform to unspoken expectations is a recipe for failure, and she is old enough to know better.

Manic Panic

2007-12-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: The designers thrilled to the iconic power of Sarah Jessica Parker, who put them to work for her on-the-cheap fashion line. Elisa freaked out Sweet P with her spit-marking. Steven and Marion started sinking into ugly and couldn't find their way out. Victorya won. Team Christian was too 80s, but Marion got the boot.

Jack reveals that he's HIV-positive, and has been since he was 21. Think that will lead anywhere? In the other guy apartment, Chris and Rami chew over Marion's booting. Chris teases that they should have booted Christian, who would not have been missed. Christian obliges with an appropriately dramatic "I'm shocked!" expression before teasing back that they'd be "so bored" without him. He confesss that he's "not as confident" after winding up in the bottom two. Humbled Christian: "But I just know that I make clothes so much better than a lot of the other designers."

Heidi dispenses with the models for this challenge. Perhaps she's giving them a boot camp on runway walking. Speculation commences immediately. Please don't let them loose on ordinary people again. Of course Heidi spills no details and dispatches them to find Tim at some office building. He leads them off into a studio where they find Tiki Barber, former Giants running back and current correspondent for the Today show. And of course Kevin is the only one who has any clue who he is. Steven reveals his lack of football background, although he believes "it's probably the one time on television where spandex is acceptable" At least for guys.

Tiki reveals that the challenge is to make him an outfit to wear on his show. The "I don't do menswear" collective freakout commences. Tiki describes his figure challenges and his preferences. The designers return to Parsons (Jack toting Christian is his bag). They get 30 minutes for sketching, 30 minutes for shopping with $150 and 1.5 days for work. Jack asks if the men can use their own clothes for "reference" and Tim grants permission.

More freaking out. Except for Kevin, who has some menswear experience under his belt. Mood time! More freaking out. Chris wonders if Tiki likes hot pants, which cracks Tim up. Kit draws on her experience styling on TV shows. Back in the workroom, people break out the muslin and continue the freakout theme of the episode. Jack removes his shorts and uses them as a pattern. Victorya and Carmen help out, so he shares the pattern with them. Rami gripes. I think it's fine. Last season, Vincent removed his pants to make a pattern for an outfit he was designing for himself, so the producers have had plenty of time to rule against any similar shortcuts. Tim calls time.

Morning. The frantic workety-working starts right away. Tim sends in their models for fitting. Mmm, male models. Steven is like, "Okay, I now understand why straight guys envy me for hanging out with women in their underwear." Elisa is too shy to watch her model undress, so she modestly faces the wall. Her model wants to pursue ethnobotany, so I think they're going to get along just fine.

The models leave and lots of reworking happens. Frantically. Tim interrupts in the evening to bring in Ginny Barber, Tiki's wife. "I love Asians," Christian informs us. "Asians are fierce." "Fierce" is officially no longer fierce. Also, Christian is officially a ninny. The lovely but bland Mrs. Barber gives the designers feedback, and leaves. Designers make adjustments, or not. Frantically. The clock ticks and the designers shift into panic mode.

Runway day. The designers dive back in. The models return. Ricky puts his model to work sewing buttonholes. Sweet P's shirt is wackadoo. Hair. Makeup. Last-minute panic. Ricky hems with safety pins. Sweet P's shirt is still wackadoo. Carment sews her model into his pants, and then wraps the shirt material around his neck like a giant ascot. Tim summons everyone to the runway.

Showtime!

Jillian/Nelson: dark three-piece suit with a black-and-white shirt in a paisley-like pattern. The vest and jacket have buttons and everything. Wow. But black-and-white is probably a bit plain for Tiki, even with the pattern on the shirt.
Carmen/Yaniv: tan pants, brown jacket lined with a maroon print, blue "shirt." The crotch on the pants is really long, the waist of the jacket is uneven at the "zipper" and the sleeves look uneven. Since the jacket only comes to the waist, it would emphasize the big butt that Tiki was hoping to minimize. (But his has gotta be mostly muscle, so don't feel too bad for him.)
Christian/David: tan pants, tan pullover shirt with asymmetrical neckline, wide-neck blazer with plaid details outlining the pockets. I don't like how the shape of the blazer fails to relate to the shirt collar. But Christian is right that it is interesting.
Kit/Ibrahim: tan pants, blue plaid shirt, navy fleece blazer. The color palette is uninspiring, but I love the blazer -- it's cozy without being messy. She has a nice double vent to hide The Butt. The bottom edge looks a tad wonky, though.
Rami/Derek: navy pants, cream shirt, tan jacket. This is also a short jacket rather than a blazer or sport coat, but it falls straight to hip length instead of being waist-length. But still not terribly flattering to The Butt.
Sweet P/Marcus: dark pin-stripe pants, wonky pale grey button shirt with a completely muddled collar, looong striped tie. She's embarrassed.
Steven/Paul: brown (?) pants, dark green long-sleeved polo shirt, ascot. The crotch on these pants is also really long. I'm not loving the ascot, but without it, I suspect the collar is a bit off. It's a nice look, but too form-fitting to mask The Butt.
Victorya/Mike: dark pants, dark t-shirt, white blazer with black lining under the collar. Since the collar is up, we can see the lining. It's very dramatic, but I think the palette a bit stark for Tiki.
Kevin/Thomas: dark pin-striped pants and vest, light purple shirt, maroon patterned tie and pocket square. I don't know why the shirt is untucked, because it looks really short. And I don't know why the vest is just pinned together at the top and left open at the bottom. But styling aside, it's pretty sharp.
Chris/Andres: black pants, black t-shirt, black blazer that zips rather than buttons. I like the silhouette, but Tiki needs more color.
Jack/Jack: black pin-striped pants, pink striped shirt with diagonal striping on the button placket and shirt pocket. There's a lot of lines for my taste, but it works together and the fit looks good.
Ricky/Yoneiry: charcoal gray pants and blazer over a white shirt with a rust pocket square. The jacket is lined with a striped fabric, which is a nice detail. Otherwise, the fit is kind of baggy and the look overall is quite ordinary.
Elisa/Connor: dark grey pants, tan long-sleeved t-shirt, brown vest. I think it's more Elisa than Tiki, but since she tends to sew her clothes on her own form instead of a mannequin, I'm happy she has something that looks finished and put together.

Heidi passes Jillian, Christian, Rami, Steve, Victorya, Chris and Elisa to the next round, leaving Carmen, Jack, Kit, Sweet P, Kevin and Ricky to face the judges. Tiki likes Kit's conservative palette and Michael thinks the fleece saves it from being boring. Tiki thinks Sweet P has style, but it's "messy." Sweet P confesses the shirt is all wonky. Tiki likes the texture of Jack's stripes but Nina dings him for having only two pieces. She also nails Ricky for his safety pins; Tiki thinks the outfit looks sloppy and Nina finds the color palette boring. Tiki likes Kevin's vest, which he doesn't normally wear; Heidi thinks it's all wrong for Tiki or her own husband, although it would be fine for David Beckham. Tiki would wear it with a different shirt. He wouldn't wear Carmen's jacket, which would leave everyone looking at his butt. Heidi laughs at a guy having butt issues. Michael hates the crotch on the pants and dings her time management.

The designers go away and the judges review. Kevin had a look. Jack played it smart. Kit was versatile and unique. Sweet P had the shirt from hell. Carmen had no shirt, an unfinished cropped jacket, poorly fitting pants and no cohesion. Ricky's suit was amateurish. The designers return. Kevin is safe. Jack wins -- Tiki will wear it on his show. Kit is safe. Sweet P is safe. The drama queens remain. Carmen is out, so Ricky is safe. Carmen finds it easier to swallow the dis to her menswear skillz.

Right winner? Eh. Despite all the stripes, Jack's outfit was kind of ordinary and doesn't really address Tiki's figure issues. I don't think anyone completely nailed it, but tuck in Kevin's shirt and I'll vote for him. Although I love, love, love Kit's fleece blazer, I think her palette wasn't dark enough for Tiki's taste (conservative as it was).

Right loser? This was quite the race. I think Sweet P was saved by the fit of her pants, although there was something oddly compelling about the wonky shirt. Ricky was boring -- and he really needs to pull out the stops next time -- but did a better job of faking completeness than Carmen. As for Carmen, the design was wrong and the shirt color was an odd choice and the execution failed everywhere. So yeah, I guess she deserved it. Still, it must suck to get booted for menswear.

Ms. Big

2007-11-29T00:41:00.000-05:00

Previously on Project Runway: Heidi made the designers run. Simone was unfinished. Elisa was weird. Rami won. Simone got the boot.

Rami regrets the departue of Simone; he thinks she had more of a clue than Elisa. Who has decided to use the clues the judges gave her in their feedback, so good for her. And off to Parsons, where it's the first model auction of the season. Results:

Rami stays with Ashley. I'm not sure why; there are better choices.
Chris keeps Marcia. She was one of the stronger entries, so good choice.
Kit stays with Marie. They have a sorta-pixie vibe in common.
Carmen keeps Anna. The ex-model knows a good walker when she sees one.
Christian decides to "stay with the fabulous Lisa." Perhaps because she looks like him? She's okay, but not fabulous.
Marion keeps Cheron, who does not look so mannish with her hair parted on the side.
Victorya continues with Jacqueline.
Ricky switches to Lea, who managed not to fall over in Elisa's dress. Good choice.
Elisa is next, so she takes Aviva from Jack. Not a bad choice.
Steven stays with Sam. I love her red hair.
Kevin takes Amanda from Jillian.
Jack snaps up Christina from Sweet P.
Jillian picks up Lauren from the departed Simone.
Sweet P is left to choose between Katie (formerly with Kevin) and Wendi (formerly with Ricky), the two clompiest walkers. She goes with the brunette, so Wendi is out. The designers kindly clap for her as she departs.

The challenge: create an outfit for a "pop culture and fashion icon." Much guessing ensues. Tim gathers the designers around and introduces: Sarah Jessica Parker. And the crowd goes wild. Chris starts crying, because Sex and the City inspired him to move to New York. The designers will create a two-piece outfit for the fall/winter collection of her Bitten line. Since it's all about affordability, the retail cost is $40. Which means they get $15 for materials. They'll all pitch, and SJP will pick seven team leaders. So it's a team challenge, just in case the "two-piece outfit" clue didn't tip you off.

Sketching. Pitching. Chris is terribly nervous. Elisa talks about polymorphism. Kevin runs away without shaking SJP's hand. Carmen makes sure SJP gets her name. Time to choose. SJP praises everyone but chooses: Elisa, Kit, Victorya, Marion, Ricky, Christian and Rami. SJP might sell the winning design as part of her selection, if it doesn't suck. She leaves. Now it's back to the schoolyard to pick teams.

Marion: Steven, to avoid the drama
Ricky: Jack
Victorya: Kevin
Kit: Chris
Rami: Jillian
Christian: Carmen, who is relieved not to be the last chosen
Elisa: kindly says she always wanted Sweet P, who is worried about working with the Queen of Hand-Sewing

Shopping at Mood. Going for the cheap. Elisa lets Sweet P choose colors. Sweet P warns her to finish her edges, or the judges will put her in the "unfinished" box. They have until midnight to finish. Workety work. Elisa uses spit to mark her fabric as she holds it up to Sweet P, who is just flummoxed by this unsanitary habit. Although she doesn't protest unfolding the fabric on the floor, so I guess it's only bodily fluids that she's worried about.

Tim wanders through. He's worried about the complexity of Marion's skirt. Christian shrugs off Tim's concerns that it's too retro. Victorya and Kevin are in good shape. Elisa wants to do a hand-rolled finish, but Tim thinks she's nuts, given the time constraints. Elisa decides to listen to Tim and Sweet P. Tim leaves. Frantic sewing ensues.

Morning. Back to work. Sweet P fusses some more, but turns a corner and gets optimistic. Marion and Steven are still having skirt issues. Victorya requests a "stomp walk" from Jacqueline. Steven is still working on the skirt as Tim summons them to the runway. Show time!

Kit/Chris/Marie: Black scoop-neck short-sleeved hip-length sweater with curved pockets at the waist, over brown cropped leggings. Marie gives it some gamine charm.
Elisa/Sweet P/Katie: Heathery blue half cape over a teal long-sleeved dress with long ties at the neck. The skirt of the dress flares a bit for a flirty attitude. Katie is still a little clompy on the runway, but she handles the cape well.
Rami/Jillian/Lauren: Brown belted big shirt/tunic over bland leggings. Lauren is pretty bland. I think the tunic is too stiff; it would be more interesting in a fabric that moved.
Marion/Steven/Cheron: Olive knit belted cape/tunic with long fringing over a grey flannel skirt. Cheron works the fringe, but it looks awfully hippie-ish and you can't see the purported intricacy of the skirt.
Victorya/Kevin/Jacqueline: Full black dress with elbow-length sleeves and long ties at the neck, topped with a teensy plaid half-vest. Jacqueline does the requested stomp walk and sells it hard.
Christian/Carmen/Lisa: Teal turtleneck knit dress, grey and black pieced jacket with poofy shoulders and tight sleeves. The heavy bangs and the nude lip aren't doing Lisa any favors. She looks really severe again. I'm starting to think Christian likes to be spanked.
Ricky/Jack/Lea: Scoop-necked cap-sleeved dress in red with a heavy braided leather belt. The skirt moves beautifully and Lea works it.

Elisa/Sweet P, Victorya/Kevin, Marion/Steven and Christian/Carmen have to face the judges. The remaining teams are safe. Heidi threatens to boot "one or more" designers. SJP is happy that Victorya turned a simple sketch into something interesting and it fits well with the collection. Marion's cape stretched out too much and it lost the right proportions. Heidi thinks it looks dirty. SJP likes the movement of Elisa's dress and asks about the partnership. Sweet P brings up the mismatch of styles. Elisa uses spitmarking as an example, which freaks out the judges. Elisa takes the teasing well. Christian is sure his fitted jacket would suit all figure types, despite the judges' doubts. SJP thinks it's more severe than the sketch; it's too short and tight. Heidi wants to know who would go if they lost. Carmen gets all dramatic about having to give up Christian -- when did they become BFFs? -- but he totally steps up. Marion is also willing to take the hit. Steven doesn't want to leave it all hanging on Marion, but isn't volunteering to go himself.

The judges deliberate. The designers return. SJP announces the winner: Victorya. And the outfit will be sold with the line. Elisa and Sweet P are safe. Steven is safe. Carmen is safe. And -- Christian is safe, so Marion gets the boot. I can't say I'm surprised -- I haven't been wowed by him yet, while Christian knows how to put an outfit together. Still, it was nice to see Christian get a spanking. Not that it will make an impression. No doubt we'll start the next episode with him whining about how the judges just don't get his vision.

I was kind of hoping Elisa would get the underdog win -- this has to be a difficult situation for her -- but I suspect this really wound up being a team effort, while Victorya's design was much more the work of a single person. Not that Kevin is chopped liver, but he was really a hired hand for this one. Ricky managed to redeem himself and Kit's outfit was cute. Rami's was kind of disappointing, but I'll chalk that up to stiff fabric and a stiff model. Overall, another good showing by almost everyone.

Who Are You

2007-11-29T00:40:00.000-05:00

Let's meet the latest crop of aspiring fashion designers:

Sweet P, 46, freelance designer: And former biker -- the name was bestowed by her all-girl biker gang. She also has a tattoo of "Mean P," whom I hope will come out to play once or twice. There are a couple of people who could really do with a dose of Mean P. But Sweet P can stick around; she seems to have had an eventful life, so I'm sure she knows how to roll with the punches.
Chris, 44, costume designer: The go-to guy for drag queens who want to make really big statements, judging by his portfolio. Which includes an outfit made of salad ingredients, so if there's a supermarket challenge, he's good to go. He's kind of mellow about his snark, so I hope he gets lots of sound bites.
Elisa, 42, multimedia artist: She got into fashion by designing costumes to appear with her marionettes. Very organic and spiritual -- kind of a mix of Lupe and Angela, yet not annoying. I think it's because she's too busy being artsy to worry about impressing you with how artsy she is.
Marion, 39, boutique owner: "Boutique" as in "flower shop." Although he also designs clothes in his shop. Sounds like he's hoping to quit the day job.
Jack, 38, activewear designer: Studmuffin. He has worked for other designers and wants to shine his own light for a change. And if taking off his shirt helps that happen, so be it.
Carmen, 37, freelance designer: Former model. Apparently design school is all well and good, but modeling is the thing for learning the ins and outs of fashion. She's intense; I suspect she'll be good for a little drama.
Ricky, 35, lingerie designer: Came to New York from a large, poor family to be a dancer and wound up in fashion. Now he has his own line of lingerie. Looks to be the go-to guy for waterworks.
Victorya, 34, freelance designer: Originally from Korea. Overachiever. So far, that's about it.
Simone, 32, freelance designer: She's just so damn earnest, I can't stand it. If she said anything of substance, I missed it.
Rami, 31, freelance designer: Originally from Israel, now living in LA. Since he has already dressed Jessica Alba for the MTV Video Music Awards, he's already pretty successful by fashion standards, but he wouldn't mind being better known.
Kevin, 30, freelance designer: He had his line of jeans featured on the Victoria's Secret catalog, but he wants to get back to doing collections. By the way, he's straight. Not that a producer asked him to mention it or anything.
Steven, 29, freelance designer: He just missed out on the show last time, so he tried again. I suspect he was mining the same classic vein as Laura, and she won out. He has a sleepy, sly humor.
Jillian, 26, designer/illustrator for Ralph Lauren: Which is fine and all, but ultimately she wants to do her own thing. She seems really high maintenance.
Kit, 26, stylist/designer: And she has styled herself "Kit Pistol." She has the radical notion that clothes are a form of self-expression. Kinda like pseudonyms. Looks to be the go-to girl for the obvious.
Christian, 21, freelance designer: Given his age, his biggest accomplishments thus far are going to college in London to study with Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood, and sculpting his hair. Not that this will stop him from thinking highly of himself. In his interviews, he tilts his head back so he's always looking down his nose. Feel free to inject a "shut up, Christian" after everything he says.

The roomies are: Chris, Rami, Christian, Ricky; Sweet P, Carmen, Jillian, Kit; Kevin, Jack, Steve, Marion; Elisa, Simone, Victorya.

The designers traipse over to Bryant Park to drink some champagne, and then Heidi and Tim show up to put them to work. I love how Heidi chirpily cracks the whip. I wonder if she does that with her kids: "Are you have a good time playing with your toys? Well, too bad. It's nap time now." It's the usual "express your identity as a designer" challenge. They get $50,000 in fabrics donated by Mood, arrayed in three tents across the park. Heidi sets them racing across the park to grab their selections; Elisa pauses long enough to give her a sunflower for her birthday. There is much grabbing. Elisa decides to "imbue" one of her fabrics with grass stains; she likes to "feed the fabrics" with organic sustenance. This gives us our first opportunity for "That Elisa sure is weird" comments.

Parsons. The designers have until 1 am to work. Tim gives them their inaugural "Make it work." And go! Workety work work. Elisa is wacky some more. Tim comes through for his critiques. Rami is looking good. Tim points out that Christian matched up his fabric along the seam, but not at the sleeves, which is not what Christian wants to hear. Simone has a lot of work. Elisa's train thing has sort of worked when she tried it in the past. Tim goes away. Elisa decides she's done and takes a nap. Workety work. Time's up.

Morning. Crunch time. Tim rallies the troops. Steven summarizes, "It's freak-out time here, ladies and gentlemen." Models arrive. Fittings. Hair. Makeup. Show time! Guest judge is Monique Lhullier.

Elisa/Lea: Long blue sheath dress with a V-neck; the left sleeve is open at the bottom and the right sleeve is open at the top, for a diagonal effect. That part is really lovely. In the back is a long, messy train of bedraggled fabrics that trip up the model. I kinda get what she's going for, but the fabric is too heavy. If she had cut it into thin strips, they might have had a chance to flutter as they trailed, and not weigh down the dress. But still a tripping hazard. Also messed-up are the not-quite matching suede boot fully visible as the gown opens in front; they're just wrong. But Lea's hair is lovely, and she manages the dress as well as anyone could expect, all things considered.
Chris/Marcia: Long skirt in eggplant satin topped with a patterned halter twisted and tied in a big bow in back, with strips of olive setting off the halter. Since he's a costume guy, I'm relieved to see an actual dress. A dramatic, red carpet dress, but a dress nonetheless. Marcia works it quite well.
Kevin/Katie: Black strapless mini dress with a full skirt banded at the bottom in red and a ruffled red edge at top, silvered bustier that flares out at the bottom, big red bow in back. I don't think all the pieces come together. It doesn't help that Katie has bad posture and kind of slumps down the runway.
Sweet P/Christina: Short sack dress of yellow print fabric with halter top and a skirt banded in red; the top is held up by red and blue ribbons with a bow in front. The skirt is obviously trying for volume but winds up just shapeless. It was heading in the direction of cute, but didn't quite get there. Christina is pretty and poses well, but needs to smooth out her walk a bit.
Simone/Lauren: Baby doll with white top, peach skirt and acid yellow belt and shoulder straps, topped with a short sleeveless jacket in black-lace looking fabric gathered and tied at the waist with ribbon. The yellow clashes with the other colors, and the jacket is rather shapeless. The dress itself is nice, but too simple. Lauren walks well and manages the jacket without getting tangled.
Jillian/Amanda: Coral red halter mini-dress with a poofy, almost 80s-ish skirt; the back has some interesting lacing. It's cute. Jillian seems to design for herself -- Amanda is even styled to look like her. She also walks well despite wearing giant sunglasses indoors and having her hands in her pockets all the time.
Christian/Lisa: Black-and-tan plaid jacket with black ruffles down the front and poofy short sleeves; camel pleated skirt with asymmetrical hem with black "tuxedo stripe" down one side. The jacket and skirt colors don't really mesh and the skirt kinda looks like she got the hem tucked into her underwear -- not necessarily intentional. Lisa's hairstyle makes her look really severe. She attempts to sell the outfit but doesn't hit her poses strongly enough. Points for trying, though.
Victorya/Jacqueline: Black V-neck sack dress with what look like fallen-down bra straps around the upper arms, giant silver tinsel flower embellishment on left side. Perhaps it's all the black, but the dress is rather shapeless, although it does move nicely. The flower looks like it was leftover from last season's recycling challenge. The bra strap thing drives me crazy. Jacqueline is pretty and walks reasonably well, although she lets her handbag flap around.
Rami/Ashley: Draped one-shoulder gown in dark grey flowing fabric. It's all very Grecian-looking and graceful, but the billowing fabric doesn't do much for the figure. Ashley has a smooth walk, but she's very blank-looking in her poses.
Ricky/Wendi: Silvery-black baby doll with lace edging on the bodice. It's a fairly simple dress, but he used the small stripes to good effect. Wendi looks like she's kind of new to heels, let alone the runway.
Jack/Aviva: Halter dress of an ornate black-on-white print with bright blue belt and big blue bow at the neck. It's cute, but it reminds me of Robert Best's cute little dress made from wall hangings. Aviva walks and poses well.
Marion/Cheron: Another halter dress. The top is made of lacy black fabric that unevenly overlays the skirt; the skirt is some heavy dark fabric that's light on the reverse; the skirt is full but jagged. All and all, it's quite ugly. Cheron's long straight hair only emphasizes her mannish jaw, and her walk is a little stiff.
Steven/Sam: Black pencil skirt, black fitted jacket with a bustle. Dramatic but severe. Sam needs to hold her poses a bit longer, but she tries to sell it.
Carmen/Anna: Dark wide-leg trousers, orange scarf-like halter, short cutaway gold jacket. The colors and styling are busy, but I still like the lines of the jacket. Anna's walk makes it all feel flowing and elegant.
Kit/Marie: Black print strapless dress topped with half a red jacket/bustier. The basic dress is cute, if simple; the jacket might have been interesting if it had been complete. As it is, this outfit just seems to say, "Look at my left boob!" Marie's walk is just okay, but she does have some expression as she poses.

Overall, a good first showing. Not a lot of head-scratchers among the outfits. The models were more problematic -- a couple were downright clunky and several were just okay. We'll see if they improve over time.

The judges confer. Chris, Kevin, Sweet P, Jillian, Jack, Marion, Steven, Carmen and Kit are all safe. This leaves Rami, Victorya, Simone, Christian, Elisa and Ricky. Christian has good shapes and some nice details. Simone has construction problems and her pieces didn't go together. Rami has good construction, although Michael is not thrilled with the flower. Ricky played it safe. Victorya's flower doesn't bother the judges. Elisa puzzles the judges with her artsy talk and her unwieldy train.

The judges deliberate some more. Victorya was a little safe but had charm. Christain had detail and innovation. Rami was skillful and expressive. Ricky was safe but well-made; Elisa was weird but the basic construction was excellent; Simone was unfinished and boring. Results: Victorya is safe. Rami wins. Christian is safe. Ricky is safe. And -- Simone is out, so Elisa is safe. Yay! Simone kind of bored me but Elisa is fun.

I would rather have seen Marion in the bottom three than Ricky -- the judges need to stop accepting "ugly" as a point of view. And I don't get the love for Victorya's giant flower. I like Chris's dress better, if we're going to praise oversized embellishments. I was hoping Rami would win, because his draping is just so elegant and because Christian would be insufferable if he took the first blue ribbon. So that worked out well. As for the bottom two, Elisa's dress was fundamentally beautiful and just needed to lose the train, while Simone's dress was ordinary where it wasn't off-putting, so I agree with the judges on both decisions.

This reminds me of the latest season of Top Chef, with contestants cast more for talent than character. By the end of the season, people were practically contorting themselves to come up with a "villain" because no one was really that bad. They were annoying to various degrees, but they weren't jerks. No one in this crowd seems particularly provocative. So far, the best contender for the "villain" mantle is Christian, and he's just a twerp.

Leaving Las Vegas

2007-09-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

It's the Design Star finale, where we learn who was elected winner by the voting public. But not before we watch a lot of filler. The highlights:

Sparkle Josh has his own cheering section, complete with sequined signage. He's grateful to his fans for finally making him "feel like the prettiest, most popular girl in school."
Will is wearing a tie and a buttoned shirt because "the lady of my life -- my mama -- told me that America needed to see her son dressed up."
Robb has "a new career in damage control." Lots of people get in some digs.
Will played house mother, cooking for everyone. He gets props and a $5000 gift card. So it does pay to be a nice guy.
Sparkle Josh gets his own montage. He's really into the nickname now. Todd reveals that he was a little hesitant at first, wondering if they were making fun of him, but it didn't take him long to get on board with it. Will calls him a diamond.
Everyone testifies about the family feeling they developed.
The judges reveal that they argued over the decisions a lot, which didn't happen last year.
Will suggests the judges be more tactful in their criticisms. Cynthia jokes that he must be talking about Vern, since she and Martha are "the nice ones."
The judges were surprised that Christina got booted after the presentations.
The contestants voted Lisa "Designer We Wanted to See More of" and she gets a $5000 gift card.
Catchphrases:
- Todd: full-throttle
- Kim: situation
- Will: you know what I'm sayin'?
- Christina: yeah
- Scott: Santa Barbara
Todd tips over the head table once again. Never gets old.
Martha obliviously explains that "his package is interesting to look at." Cynthia falls out of her chair laughing.
David makes an appearance and snarks at Todd for finally keeping his shirt on. Todd looks confused. He presents the finalists with keys to product-placed vehicles.

And the results are in: Kim wins! Whew!

Flight of Fancy

2007-09-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

Previously on Top Chef: Catering challenge. On a boat. Howie toned it down. The guest judge harshed on Howie's cigars. Casey was totally under budget. She won. Howie confronted the judges and mercifully got the boot before he could address any more juding panels.

Morning in Miami. The chefs are all tucked up, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. But all the beddy-bye shots have a point, for once, as Padma tiptoes in and friskily rouses the chefs from bed. Well, until she reaches the room with three guys in it, and she skips the cover yanking and the tickling. Casey recaps. CJ jokes, "My dream's come true!" It's all very cute. Padma's clearly a morning person. And we don't see anyone throw anything at her, so I guess the chefs are mostly morning people, too. Dale predicts a breakfast challenge. What are the odds?

QuickFire challenge: Out in the living area are tables with stations. Each chef gets a blender, a butane burner and some basic kitchen gear. Padma demands breakfast in 20 minutes. The legal ingredients have been set up in their kitchen. Sara laughs about how everyone had to cook in their jammies. Does anything throw her? "So there we were, dangling by our feet from knotted shoelaces above a tank of starving sharks -- it was hilarious!" And go!

The chefs rush the counter to grab ingredients. Hung tips over a bottle of oil and it smashes on the floor, but he's halfway across the room before it goes crash. Casey describes the chaos, and we know she's not good at chaos. She points out that none of them were wearing sturdy footgear -- some of them didn't have footgear at all -- so the broken glass was a problem. Hung doesn't think he broke the bottle, but he's sorry if he did. Not sorry enough to throw a towel over it, though. He doesn't care about what anyone else thinks; he's just there to push himself harder. He closes the refrigerator and a couple of peppers(?) are left lying on the ground. Perhaps the poor little crawfish that fell awry can crawl over and keep them company. I'm pretty sure Hung doesn't run around like this at his real job, but it's interesting how he leaves a trail of detritus across the kitchen.

Dale has a good history with breakfast, having won Best Brunch in Chicago, but his brunch repetoire takes a lot of prep. Hung doesn't eat breakfast that often since he's always rushing off to work. But it's the most important meal of the day! His ingredients include "a little alcohol, for pep." Breakfast of champions. If that's his idea of breakfast, perhaps he is better off skipping it. Sara laughs that they know their judge likes alcohol. Also mascarpone cheese and healthy stuff like whole grains. She's going "rustic." Casey was trained by her French grandmother, so she's making a quick salsa. No, really, it fits with the flavor combinations Grandmere taught her. CJ is going with crÍpes, because chicks dig crÍpes. His is not to wonder why, he's just rolling with it. Brian thinks it's time to bring it, unlike all those other challenges. Time's up!

CJ: blueberry, date & mascarpone shake; crÍpe with strawberries & almond whipped cream. Padma approves. CJ knew she would. "If there were another Spice Girl, she would be CrÍpe Spice," he predicts. Hopefully, we'll never know.
Sara: "egg in a hole" with whole-grain French toast, proscuitto & eggs. Sara needs CJ to remind her of the colloquial name. Padma grooves on the maple syrup.
Casey: grapefruit, French toast with salsa, spinach & egg. Padma wonders if she makes brunch at home, and Casey confesses that she doesn't often cook for herself.
Hung: steak & eggs with mushroom & onions; toasted baguette; papaya, banana & Grand Marnier shake. Padma likes it despite not being "a fan of steak and eggs."
Dale: ham, apple & onion frittata with mustard hollandaise sauce. He gets a "that's very nice."
Brian: lobster & butter-poached egg with red onion, thyme & lemon on smoked salmon sautÈ, topped with Kalamata olives, grape tomatoes & olive oil; blackberry, raspberry & banana smoothie. Padma is not happy to find seeds in her smoothie.

Padma congratulates the chefs and asks if they had fun. Of course, they have to say yes. And they haven't gotten any breakfast yet, while Padma has gotten six breakfasts. I'd be cranky. That's why I'm not on TV. CJ thinks Hung breaking the oil was probably not a fun part, though. Hung doesn't react. Padma picks her favorites: Hung for a light version of steak & eggs, plus a yummy smoothie, and Sara for "heavenly" eggs in a hole. The winner exploited the blender and incorporated a broad flavor profile -- and it's Hung! He's happy to have fun and win, both in the same challenge for once. Dale decides it wasn't so much the booze as it was winning Padma over to steak & eggs. Padma awards Hung with a copy of her new cookbook. He's polite about it.

The Elimination challenge will have to wait. They'll be traveling until they reach Aspen. Padma turns plane tickets over Hung to distribute to the chefs. Casey refuses to guess what's up. Hung hands out the tickets, but apparently they've all agreed (prompted or not) to look at the destination at the same time. On the count of three, they open up the tickets. Then they jump around and cheer. They're going to New York! Sara recaps, in case you failed to her "New York" amidst all the squealing. CJ's ready for his first authentic slice of pizza. Now that Dale has made it to the top six, he's aiming for the top four. One step at a time. Well, two steps, actually, but he's not getting too far ahead of himself. The chefs pack.Casey is proud of herself; they should all be proud of themselves. Brian eulogizes Miami. CJ just wants to cook his best.

Plane trip. Landing. Newark Airport. And there's Padma, waiting at the gate. The chefs do not take this as a good omen. And they're right. Somebody won't make it to Manhattan. The next challenge will be right at the airport. They at least get to spend the night at a local hotel before diving into things. CJ and Dale mope.

Morning. The chefs file into a giant building at the airport, which turns out to be full of food service carts. Somewhere along the way, the chefs have been issued shower caps, purporting to be hairnets. Padma's wearing one, too, but she left her bangs sticking out. But she's not cooking, so no health code violations there. She introduces the product-placed food services chef, Gerry McLoughlin, who will teach them the ins and outs of airline cooking. They'll each put together a yummy meal for hungry travelers. At least the ones that can afford first class. Brian has never gotten real airplane food. As QuickFire winner, Hung gets to pick his protein first, which is then off-limits to everyone else.

The tour begins. The airline chef shows off some meals as they would be presented to the passengers, and then as they are packaged up for loading. The package is only 2 inches tall. They have to cook their food for at least 10 minutes in the galley oven. Sara recaps that they have 2 hours to work. Hung chooses sea bass, which is too oily to dry out. Dale is going populist. CJ, healthy. Brian, rich. The chefs try to figure out where everything is. CJ tries to hack open a can with his knife. Everyone jostles for burner space.

With 45 minutes to go, Chef Tom walks through. Brian mentions the burner contention. Hung also brings it up, interrupting his chat to rescue his sautÈ pans. CJ deadpans that he's "excited" about the challenge -- "First of all, I get to wear this hat." He thinks the timing is the hardest part of the challenge. Casey agrees; since everything is being cooked in the same container, you want to make sure all the parts come out okay. Sara is trying to keep everything moist. Dale and Chef Tom agree that good food can be had in an airplane. If you pay enough for your seat. Or bring your own.

Chef Tom recaps that the kitchen contention is causing stress. He thinks meat is a better choice than fish, which is easier to overcook. But overall, "If good food goes into that box, good food should come out of that box." And then go into the oven, which is the tricky part. Time ticks. CJ's off in another corner of the kitchen. Brian wonders if he's packing his cart. Meanwhile, Hung is cleaning up. "No matter what, you don't let the person next to you go down," Dale lectures. He thinks Hung isn't a team player, which reflects badly on his character. Casey asks CJ if he needs help and heads over. Hung points out that CJ never asked for help. So presumably he would have helped if asked. It's not a team challenge, so Hung has no obligation to help someone else -- but as Dale said, the competition is more satisfying (to the viewers, at least) if everyone has a complete entry. Time's up!

The chefs enter a giant hangar to find a Boeing 777 and the judges. The guest judge is Jimmy Canora, one of the product-placed airlines chefs. Sitting in for Gail is Anthony Bourdain. Where was Ted? And of course, Chef Tom, who's channeling Samuel L. Jackson with a backwards Kangol cap to go with his leather bomber jacket. Granted, Chef Tom is something of a bad ass, but he isn't in Samuel L. Jackson bad ass territory. I want him as a judge some day. Also taking part are a whole flock of "elite" flight attendants, meaning they serve the high-paying customers up front instead of the slobs in coach. Dale is remined of "the ants from the Tom & Jerry cartoon" as they file aboard. The plane has two galleys, so two chefs will serve at the same time. Padma sits with Chef Jimmy, while Chef Tom sits with Tony Bourdain. If I were a teacher, I'd split those two up so fast.

First up are Dale and Brian. They struggle with the equipment. Brian fetches CJ to help plate while Dale works with Casey.

Brian: New York strip steak with purple potato & lobster hash. Chef Tom comments on the humongo steak. Dale calls it a "brontosaurus burger." A flight attendant thinks the steak is nice and tender. The bad boys of judging harsh on the lobster. Padma thinks her steak is too well done.
Dale: steak au poivre with shiitake mushroom demi-glace, melted leeks & asparagus; poached shrimp on zucchini & celery. A flight attendant likes the presentation. Chef Jimmy finds the demi-glace "very rich" and Padma agrees in a way that indicates it wasn't a compliment. The bad boys agree that there's too much pepper. Not that it bothers them, because they can take it, but your average customer might not be able to hack it. Some flight attendants agree that Dale's steak has more flavor than Brian's. Oh, no! Dale ran out! Somebody didn't get food. Kinda like a real airplane. Dale frets.
Sara: seared salmon with fennel & coriandor over leek fondue topped with steamed spinach, fig couscous. CJ helps plate. She's worried that some of the salmon might be overcooked. One flight attendant likes the sauce and another thinks the meal would appeal to their customers. Sara thinks it will come down to the salmon; she tried to check as many as possible. But not the ones that went to the bad boys, as they shake their heads over the overcooked salmon.
Hung: seared Chilean sea bass with tomato sauce, baby squash & onions. Casey "of course" helps him plate, since he asked. The bad boys like the fish, and Hung collects compliments as he heads back to join the others.
CJ: pan-seared halibut on toasted farro with mint oil, toasted broccolini with breadcrumbs & mint vinaigrette. Brian's in the galley with him to help plate. CJ worries that some of his broccolini got too toasty, but otherwise he's pleased. The airline chef pans, "Tough to eat." Bourdain thinks the broccolini looks like leftovers from Bob Marley's closet, while the mint was "sickening."
Casey: grilled veal medallions with cremini & apple brandy, cauliflower gratin with gruyere. Dale assists. Casey is worried about how her choice of veal will perform. The bad boys are pleased. The airline chef observes that they try to avoid vegetables like cauliflower or Brussels sprouts.

Padma thanks all the flight attendants, then heads back to threaten the chefs with judging. Casey doesn't want to get left behind. Dale worries, but everyone had problems. CJ thinks the competition has shaken him out ohf his sleepy comfort zone. Sara thinks they're all at risk.

Judges' Table. Padma starts with Dale. Everyone approves, except for the missing plate. Brian next. Chef Tom complains about the overcooked steaks, but the hash was worse. Bourdain agrees, "The lobster was rubbery." Everyone was pleased with Hung's sea bass. Bourdain observes that he did a variation on a "Basque classic." Casey also gets universal approval. Bourdain points out that she showed chef-like qualities, rather than just cook-like qualities. Sara's turn. Bourdain complains about his dried-out salmon and everyone piles onto the badly-conceived couscous. CJ's fish escaped being overcooked, but not by much. Chef Tom can't believe he served the broccolini. (In an interview, CJ says he didn't want to but somebody in production said he had to.) Back in the makeshift waiting area, Brian says that no matter how things turn out, "It was a pleasure meeting you guys." CJ and Sara agree.

Padma fetches Hung, Casey and Dale. Yep, they're the top three. She tells Dale his steak was "delicious." Bourdain says it was well-executed and, while not original, "a proven crowd-pleaser." Dale confesses to just getting stuck on seventeen instead of eighteen. Anybody think he's gonna win? Me neither. Padma brings up Hung's choice of protein, which he points out is impossible to overcook. The airline chef agrees it was a good choice. Padma tells Casey that her meal was well-composed. Bourdain liked all the flavors. The guest judge gives the win to Casey. She wins two round-trip business/first tickets on the product-placed airline. Casey realizes that she was middling in the early stage of the competition, but now she's picking up momentum.

So Brian, CJ and Sara know they're destined for a chewing out. CJ wonders what Bourdain will be like. "Oh God, evil," Sara predicts. The top three return and Casey gets congratulations. The top three wish the bottom three luck before sending out to be shot. Or something. Sara confesses to having some fish cooked more than others; she should have been more even with her portions. But she was pleased with her leek fondue. Bourdain lives up to expectations, describing his salmon as "beyond overcooked" and comparing it to cat food. I hope he means kibble, because I look inside a can of cat food every day, and it's pretty moist in there. Padma is puzzled by the flavorless couscous. CJ admits right off, "I don't think mine went very well." The judges won't argue. CJ thinks he had a good idea, but he needed more execution. Bourdain goes after the whole broccolini thought process, calling the result "horrifying." Chef Tom wonders if this should get CJ sent home, which of course CJ refutes -- it was a good idea, just not well executed. But yes, he's worried, being before the judges "with these three people." And yeah, Brian might count as two, but I think CJ just got tangled up thinking "bottom three." Brian suspects he's being dinged for his large portions, so he has no idea what was wrong. Chef Tom tells him, "You're here because that hash was disgusting." Well, just lay it right out there, dude. Bourdain confirms, "The lobster had the texture of doll head." Wonder what exotic tribe serves those up? Brian's like, "Okay, you always pick on my lobster, so I'll stop with the lobster." It's not the lobster, you doofus, it's the overcooked lobster. Brian doesn't think this should be the end of him, either.

The chefs go away, the judges review. First up, they're surprised by Brian's surprise. Bourdain wonders why he didn't realize the lobster was a failure. Chef Tom doesn't care if it's airplane food or restaurant food, terrible food is terrible. Sara's salmon was too dry; Chef Tom seems about to launch into a diatribe on the couscous when Padma's like, "Yeah, we get it." CJ thinks the critcism was fair because it was about the food; he's guessing he and Sara are the least favorites. Sara admits that the criticism of her couscous being an "afterthought" is entirey correct. Bourdain can't understand why CJ served his overcooked broccolini. Chef Tom proclaims it the Worst Dish Ever in all three seasons. Which sounds like hyperbole, but I didn't have to eat it.

The bottom three return. Chef Tom spanks Sara for overcooked salmon and ill-conceived couscous, CJ for overcooked halibut and truly wretched broccolini, and Brian for his "terrible" hash. Padma looks like she's going to cry when she gives CJ the boot. He seems to have been expecting it. He thanks the judges for all the feedback and for the opportunity; it's been educational. He gets hugs from his fellow chefs and they do their usual applause for the departing chef. CJ is looking ahead to his future opportunities, like maybe opening a restaurant and hopefully drinking with Bourdain and badmouthing the broccolini some more.

Right winner? The post-show commentary indicates that Casey won for her daring, since veal was riskier than sea bass. I think it's better to be smart than lucky, which is why I'd go for Hung's sea bass. But they both did well, so good for them. And Dale needs to get his head together.

Right loser? The judges really had it out for CJ's broccolini, so it's no surprise. I'll miss his dry sense of humor, but I didn't have him pegged for the finals, so I'll live.

Blue Hawaii

2007-09-20T18:47:00.000-04:00

Previously on Design Star: Las Vegas. 11 designers. Challenges. Winners. Losers. Todd, Kim and Will spread across the nation to design for real people. Sadly, Will got the boot. And now -- Hawaii!

Kim marvels that she and Todd are the last two standing. She figures she has "a fifty-percent shot" at winning her own show. Only if it's a random draw. Todd tells Kim that he has a lot of competition experience. He interviews that he don't know what will happen. Clive arrives and has them open paint cans to see where they're headed next. Yep, it's Hawaii. Kim and Todd are thrilled. They don't learn anything about the challenge yet, but they have $10,000 in cash to keep track of. Again? It's the final challenge; they should get more money so they can really strut their stuff. Before they go, Clive is going to give them "one last special treat." We see their loved ones waiting behind the garage door, because why bother letting us feel any suspense whatsoever? Clive opens the door and there's much squealing. Todd's friends pile on him. Kim greets her visitors like a grown-up. She has her husband, sister and best friend. Todd is surrounded by his brother, his best friend and his "hot wife." Kim spends a little time with her hubby, who is sweetly supportive. Todd's group gathers around the table with wine; Kim hangs around the pool. Todd's people tease him that he's not a winner unless he wins. Nice. Todd has his most human moment yet as he says he really needed to see them, after so long pretending to be the "cool guy" who didn't need anyone. He says goodbye at the door. Kim gives everyone big hugs before they leave. Both designers are recharged now.

Morning. Packing. Airport. First class. Hawaii. Hotel. They immediately -- after changing clothes -- climb into an outrigger and are delivered to the challenge site. Clive stands before Kim and Todd on a patio at the hotel and dangles the promise of information. They obligingly "woo!" a lot. The hotel is being renovated, and two suites have been set aside for the challenge. Kim calls hotels the "holy grail" of design because "millions of people" can experience it. Well, thousands, at most. They'll have 32 hours and the $10,000 they have schlepped across the ocean. But first, it's time to bring out the previous winner. And here's David! Kim is delighted; she voted for him. He does the "your life will change" speech and encourages them to go for it.

Clive starts the clock and the designers run into their suites. They're identically dated and drab. Both designers decide to get rid of everything. Todd's big idea -- because he always has a big idea -- is to swap the living room and the bedroom, so you can enjoy the views when you wake up in the morning. As opposed to enjoying the views when you get up in the morning. Perhaps he spends a lot of time lying around in bed when he's on vacation.

Shopping. Todd is going to use a "deep, ocean blue" to bring the outside in. He decides not to buy an armoire because then he'd wind up designing the room around it. Kim is going for a sectional; the chaise portion will help divide the space. She picks a color for each area of her three major areas. Todd relocates the bed. Clive calls time. They've used 6 of their 32 hours; they'll use up the remaining 26 hours over three days. Put your arms down, Todd. They head back to their own penthouse, which has already been updated, and talk over the day.

Morning. Paint cans. What can this mean? Clive brings out Robb and Will. Everybody screams. Well, except for Clive. The person with the star gets to pick which day they get each person's help. Todd gets the star; he decides to work with Will today so Kim will get stuck with Robb. "Was there some tension between you and Robb or something?" Clive wonders, oh-so innocently. Kim's like, yeah, it sucks, but what ya gonna do? The designers all get 11 hours in the day. Robb says he has "no animosity" toward Kim and he's just happy to help. The designers fill in their assistants on the plans. Kim checks with Robb if there's anything in particular he wants; he asks for Liquid Nails and a caulk gun. "Write it down," he nags, but Kim just says, "I have it." The bosses head out to grab stuff for the assistants. Robb tells the camera that he's doing prep for the next Design Star. But in a more candid shot, he says he might be saying the same thing tomorrow, when he's working for Todd. In addition to paint, Todd scores some decorative stuff at the sponsoring store. After dropping off paint, the designers go shopping again.

Todd finds a store that has exactly his style, so he gets pretty much all his furniture. Put your arms down, Todd. Will thinks Todd's theme thing will set him apart, but he's looking forward to working with Kim because she has good taste. Kim also shops her heart out. The designers return to find their assistants have done major painting. Work continues for another hour and then Clive calls time. He announces a treat: downstairs is a Hawaiian luau. Put your arms down, Todd. It's a little luau, as these things go, but they get some hula dancers. They all have a nice time.

Another morning. The assistants swap sides. Clive gives them 11 more hours to work. The designers go over things with their new helpers and get to work. The judges drop in on Todd. Robb also claims their attention. Todd goes over the big plan with the switcheroo. The judges suggest getting rid of the blue carpet, which doesn't work with the blue walls, but Todd has a big rug. Vern recommends revisiting the switcheroo; Cynthia thinks the vanity area looks ugly in the living space. Todd points out that they're still seeing a work in progress. He interviews that the judges' input has always been "dead on" throughout the competition, but he's charging ahead with his original idea.

Kim's turn with the judges. She explains the "tropical punch" idea. All the judges hate the carpet. Kim starts fretting. Will suggests just sealing the concrete underneath. Vern and Cynthia pull up the carpet, and Will assures Kim that he knows what to do. Kim thinks it's important to listen to the judges. Will teases the judges for adding to his workload. Kim has to go get tools for the carpet job and she's fretting some more.

Todd makes a giant jellyfish. Kim comes back, still worried but committed. Robb spots the work and reports to Todd; he thinks it's a risky move. Work continues. Time ticks away. Work. Tick. Clive calls time. The assistants are done. The designers have four hours to finish on the last day. They both anticipate a lot of rushing around.

The last morning. Put your arms down, Todd. Kim is too nervous to eat much breakfast. Clive starts the clock again. Todd gets busy. Kim gets busy. With 2 hours left, Kim discovers that she bought queen-sized bedding. She has to run to the store to get more. Her cashier is on the phone. Eventually she gets back and gets to work. Rush, rush, rush. Time's up! Todd starts screaming and screaming and screaming, even as he hugs Kim. Clive declares the challenge officially ended. Put your arms down, Todd. The judges are on hand to watch the presentations.

Todd goes first. He climbs on the coffee table. Then he shows off his really blue bedroom/living room. The judges think his presentation skills have improved. He painted bubbles on the wall that look like they're floating up from the bedside lamp. Better hope the lamp doesn't get moved. In the interior room, he shows off a sleek table and some 3D-effect artwork. Todd is happy with his presentation.

The judges inspect his suite. Vern finds the kitchen in the bedroom "weird." The judges like the sofa. Cynthia points out that he is taking advantage of the view. Vern thinks it's "totally Todd." Please don't let that be the name of his new show. Todd is confident he "totally crushed it." That's just what I want a designer to say about his work. Martha is happy the folding doors in the pass-through are gone. The judges like the view into the interior room. Martha approves of the high table. Cynthia thinks the furniture and accessories work together well. That would be an advantage to getting everything at the same store. Todd is worried because he didn't do some things they recommended, because they went against his big idea. Vern says that he's confident in who he is, and "it has to be his space." Which it is.

I'm a blue fan, but the living room walls are too intense for my taste. I do like the way the lighten as they rise, though, and I love the lighter blue in his interior room. I don't think the layout makes sense given the fixed elements of the kitchenette, vanity and bathroom -- none of which he seemed to address. The sea creature art is too theme-y and the bubbles on the wall are too cutesy. His walls are really more suitable for an aquarium than a suite. As for the furniture arrangement, I think it would be better with the original room configuration. At it is, the living area is too small and the dining area is too big. Then there's the problem of having all your clothes in the dining room. Yes, it's nice to wake up to the view -- but that's one moment out of all the time you spend in the suite. Designing everything about that one moment just isn't worth the effort.

Kim's turn to do the hosting thing. She shows off the colors, the room divider, the furniture placement and the headboard. The judges think she's informative and confident. The judges inspect. They're wowed. They love the floor. Cynthia loves the colors. Vern compliments her "sophisticated eye." Martha likes about her use of color. Vern likes the organization of the space, especially the divider. Kim is hoping the judges like it. Cynthia finds the bedroom relaxing. Martha thinks the suite looks upscale.

I think the juxtaposition of the warm walls in the living space with the light turquoise in the bedroom is jarring; the bedroom needs more separation. Otherwise, it's a very strong room. The bedroom is very pretty and the headboard has the right tropical feel. The warm colors in the living space feel cozy and welcoming. I think the couch is too soft a brown compared to the deeper shades in the room; perhaps a sandy color would be better. The separation of the kitchen area is very nice. Her finishing touches are definitely more upscale than Todd's.

The judges compliment both designers on a job well done. Clive does the voting thing once again. Wrapping up, we see some of Todd's big moments. Many of them shirtless. Ah, tipping over the head table in the Vegas reception room -- that just doesn't get old. Now a recap of Kim's "journey." Lots of smiling. There's a moment we didn't see before with cute little Paige Deane. Clive compliments them one last time and turns things over to the voters.

Well, Todd's still Todd. He has a lot of creativity, but I just don't think he's suited to residential interior design. He'd be great for theme parks, though. Kim stepped it up this time. Her design skills are weaker than her hosting skills, but she put together a strong room. I would have liked to see what she could do with more money; for a final challenge, the budget was pretty skimpy. I would still take Alice over Kim, but I'll definitely take Kim over Todd. Let's hope they can find more inspiring choices next time.

Fabulous People

2007-09-20T18:43:00.000-04:00

Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars, part deux. For real, this time. Sara was in charge. Team Leftovers started over. Tre produced a gagalicious salmon dish. CJ got beat up for not preventing Tre's bread pudding. Tre got the boot.

Aw, Tre's bed is empty. Perhaps CJ can annex it; he needs the extra square footage. He interviews that it "sucks" that Tre got the boot, but appointing him executive chef was the best thing for the team even though it put Tre at risk. Hung actually regrets Tre's dismissal; if he were going to lose, he would be okay losing to Tre. Not that he's going to lose. Brian is missing his wife and dog and everything at home. Casey has noticed the dearth of wimminfolk left; she'd like to make it to the final four to represent.

Padma introduces guest judge Michael Schwartz. Dale handles the eulogy interview succinctly. Padma talks about "making the most of what you have." Chef Michael says you have to make it "fabulous" in Miami. The chefs draw knives for the "Aisle Trial." Each knife has the number of an aisle in the grocery store. They have $10 and 10 minutes to shop the aisle. Casey recaps, and points out that this will be hard. Just in case you hadn't worked that out yet. They'll have 20 minutes to cook, using a limited selection of pantry items.

Shopping. Hey, this is not the usual upscale grocery store.

Howie gets the canned fruit and juice aisle. He knows he's "going to have a tough time" making something he likes.
Hung has the cereal aisle, so he decides to get in touch with his inner child.
CJ gets the "Spanish condiments" aisle, which seems heavy on the pickled okra.
Casey lucks into the cookie and crackers aisle.
Dale gets soup and "international." He tries to find something that resembles protein. Fortunately, someone discarded some queso blanco (queso fresco?) in the aisle and it hasn't had time to get warm.
Brian of course gets the canned seafood aisle. However, he finally remembers that Chef Tom called him a one-note way back when, so he goes for the Spam. Which Chef Tom isn't going to get to taste, but it's nice that he's finally branching out.

Presumably Sara was also there. The chefs head back into the kitchen. Howie is still grumpy about the challenge; he's sure he "won't be happy" with his dish. Hung starts having fun, "like a little child." Dale wonders, "Dude, are you building a Smurf village over there?" Brian is envious: "I have no idea what this guy was on, but I want some." Hung interviews that he loves being able to express himself with food. He loves eating -- in fact, he "grew up eating." Unlike the rest of us plebians. His whole family is in the restaurant business, so he grew up around food. CJ makes the tragic "salt for sugar" mistake and stares accusingly at his pan. Howie cooks up some Mandarin orange slices but they fall apart. He just tips over his glass and gives up.

Sara, canned vegetables: "free-form ravioli" stuffed with white beans & sweet peas seved with tomato sauce, topped with crispy shallots. Padma faint-praises, "It's not as bad as I thought it would be."
Brian, canned meat: sautÈed spam with corned beef hash & fried egg served with fried onions & a balsamic reduction for sweetness. Chef Michael is a Spam virgin, but he likes it.
Dale, soup: Ramen noodles with hominy, black beans & queso fresco topped with a fried egg & salsa. He warns the tasters that it's a "spicy Mexican breakfast." Chef Michael thinks it has "a little kick." "Oh, yeah," Padma falters. Dale points them to the water bottles. After drinking, Padma coughs weakly and Dale looks all "oopsie."
CJ, condiments aisle: curried potato "risotto" with bitter orange marinade, blanched leeks & hot banana peppers. He warns them about the salt-for-sugar mistake. Padma does a "wait-a-minute" and CJ encourages her to dive in. Chef Michael thinks CJ should go first, but CJ has already tasted it and "I'm not going back."
Casey, cookies & crackers: pudding with mango preserves, ginger snaps, lemon & whipped cream. Chef Michael likes.
Hung, cereal: fried egg with leeks & potato, crushed cereal, chocolate drink mix, whipped cream. The fried egg is the sun, the whipped cream blobs are mountains, the crushed cereal is a river, the chocolate drink mix is the ground, and the leeks are vegetation. I'm not quite sure where the potato shows up, maybe as a ground cover. There's also a tall shot glass of something milk-like. Chef Michael is completely stumped by this presentation. Hung assures him that it's "a complete breakfast" that's "good for you." CJ describes the result as "Candyland meets some kind of diorama." Padma tries to orient the view. Chef Michael sees "whimsical" but not so much "fabulous." Hung interviews that he knew the "close-minded" judge wouldn't give him the win. Padma thanks Hung and the chefs all applaud.
Howie, canned fruit: He has nothing. The other chefs are all "what?!?" Howie explains that his planned banana mousse with orange sauce didn't come together, and he wasn't going to serve it if he wasn't proud of it. Huh. He expected not to be happy with his dish, and he wasn't. What are the odds? Padma is sorry that Chef Michael couldn't sample his cooking. Dale finds it shocking that Howie didn't present anything "at all." I know his sauce fell apart, but what about the banana mousse? CJ calls it a "cop-out" and says, "You don't ever give up." It would be interesting to see what he did with his "risotto" to try to fix it.

Howie is obviously in the bottom, but he still thinks he made the right choice; you can't serve something if you don't like it. And of course CJ's salty risotto, which is a "bummer" for CJ. The win goes to Brian for a restaurant-worthy dish. Chef Michael is now a "Spam believer." Brian's happy to win again.

Elimination challenge: Padma wants them to "put on a good show" for the annual catering challenge. The party will be for some hot-shot designer. Sara describes the expected clientele, holding up one finger (no, not that one) to show how "skinny" they are. Hung claims to love fashion. I bet he grew up wearing clothes. Howie, on the other hand: "Do I look like I care about fashion? This is from Target." Actually, Target is a pretty happening store, design-wise. They'll have 60 "beautiful people" guests but a budget of $350. "Total?" gapes Brian. CJ recaps his catering experience so we know to trust him when he says this isn't a lot of money. As the QuickFire winner, Brian gets to choose the "team leader." Brian goes for it; he's in the restaurant business to "be a leader."

Back at their palatial digs, the designers brainstorm. Brian likes Dale's inexpensive idea; if everyone can be as cheap, they could "really blow it up." CJ argues that everyone should concentrate on one thing. He interviews that Brian's getting good ideas because they're all contributing. Brian outlines the division: Dale and Hung have paired up, as have Casey and Sara; both teams will produce three things. Howie wants to make up for his QuickFire omission, so he'll do two. Howie interviews that the QuickFire loss is no biggie, but the Elimination challenge counts. Loud discussion around the table. Hung's solution? Just tell everyone what they're going to do. But he's not team leader. The meeting breaks up and Brian asks if everyone is "okay."

Morning. Brian lies in bed, wrapped in green sheets. It looks like he wore a grade-school celery costume to bed. This is one of those situations where you have to ask yourself, do I really want to know? Casey and Dale recap the challenge. Brian is worried that they won't be able to supply their planned menu on their allotted budget. That would be something to consider during the planning phase, no? In particular, Brian is going to watch Howie, who's a bit of a shopaholic. Hung explains that they each had $50, which he feels is "definitely" enough. Shopping happens. Sara interviews that they wanted to have a variety of things. She and Casey confer in front of some freezer cases. Casey reveals that they teamed up for a dessert. Their pastry experience is limited but "risk taking is what will win this competition," Casey opines. That didn't work out so well for Sara the last time she tried it, as I recall. Perhaps she'll stay away from the pineapple this time.

Howie tells Brian that he has everything, so he's going to run it through the checkout to see how it prices out. Sure enough, he's way over. Brian comes to check and finds Howie at $55 with only half of his ingredients. Brian reviews his selections. Howie figures Brian has the least catering experience of all the remaining chefs, which is why he has a lot of respect for Brian's assumption of leadership. Yeah, that doesn't entirely make sense, but whatever. Brian was worried because he and Howie have a "patchy" history -- wish we could have seen some of it -- but he's pleased to discover that Howie is being a real team player this time out. Dale sacrifices his goat cheese and goes for a lighter yogurt. Brian is pleased that everyone is coming together as a team. Howie doesn't want people thinking he can't "work as a group." Too late!

CJ thinks they're destined for a boat trip. Howie mentions a bad experience catering on a boat. Well, he gets to do it again, because sure enough, it's a boat. Padma welcomes them aboard. CJ is relieved to find he can stand up in the galley. Brian hopes everyone will manage to "keep their lunch down" with the rocking of the boat. The chefs get to work in their cramped quarters. Although there is room for all of them to work, so it's not eensy-weensy. Dale is making a variation on cream puffs, but without the goat cheese, his filling isn't as thick as it should be. Brian claimed the "money dish" as the leader's privilege, so he's making an ahi poke. At least it's not a ceviche. He thinks the ahi will be a luxury for the guests. Sara has a vegetarian dish. Casey freezes her beef so it's easier to slice. CJ's head is right up against the ceiling. His dish is time-consuming. Hung has a "classic dish that people with an average palate would appreciate." Take that, beautiful people! He and Dale team up for another "very common" choice.

Chef Tom drops in and checks with Howie. He's working on one dish; he hasn't started the other, but he says it will be easy to put together. Chef Tom asks Brian why he volunteered to lead, and Brian's like, "Well, duh." Actually, he says that chefs are leaders, so of course you take the chance to lead. It's kind of a beauty pageant moment. Chef Tom wants to know why Sara is teaming with Casey in addition to doing her own thing; Sara thinks the menu needed something sweet. Not exactly what he was asking, but he seems satisfied. They have about an hour to go when he heads out. Chef Tom reviews: the challenge was about wowing people and the menu has a lot of "safe" choices. He thinks they should have concentrated on fewer choices, making them impressive.

Brian wants to know who's feeling good about being ready. Howie explains that he's working extra hard to overcome his "not a team player" rap. Perhaps he could have tried that a little sooner, if he was so concerned about his reputation. He goes on to say that he's "obviously a pretty good chef" and not just some <unintelligible with bleeping>. Unfortunately, CJ reports that Howie's duxelles came out mousse-like and grey. Hung goes further, comparing the visual to "dog diarrhea." Howie has Brian taste, and it passes muster. CJ thinks Brian should be stricter. Brian sees his role as "facilitating," giving everyone "the opportunity to succeed or fail here." So even though the visual appeal isn't what he expects, he's letting it pass. Oh, dear. I don't think that's going to fly with the judges. They don't want to hear about giving everyone a chance to fail; they want to hear about how you're going to make sure the food is as good as it can be. CJ thinks Brian should be in everybody's business as much as possible. Brian reviews what people are doing and warns they have 25 minutes to service.

Padma summons the chefs upstairs to review the judging panel. Instead of Gail or Ted, we have Dana Cowin, the editor-in-chief of Food & Wine. Dale calls her "one of the most influential and powerful women in food writing today." As expected, Chef Tom and Chef Michael will also be juding. Beautiful people arrive as Brian counts down. The chefs start bringing up food. Brian has "the bright idea" to announce to the guests that the hors d'oeuvres are ready. "This was probably a mistake," he admits, as the guest come a-runnin'. Sara serves at the table while other chefs pass trays. The first wave is quickly demolished and people start looking for more. Sara assures Padma that more is coming while Brian runs down to rustle it up. Casey complains that she couldn't make her way through the crowd without having all her food picked off. She reveals that she's not good with chaos.

Sara: tomato bread pudding with basil cream. Dana and Padma coo over the yumminess.
Howie: mushroom duxelle on puff pastry
Brian: tomato-ginger ahi poke with shallots & pickled jicama. Served in those damned Chinese soup spoons. Chef Michael thinks it tastes like seaweed.
Dale & Hung: apple & chicken curry salad on crostini
Hung: smoked salmon mousse on cucumber with Meyer lemon & salmon caviar
Dale: "profiteroles" (actually gougeres) stuffed with yogurt, tomato, zucchini & watercress. Dana and Chef Michael aren't happy with the yogurt filling. Neither, I suspect, is Dale, who is probably ruing his sacrificed goat cheese.
CJ: shrimp & scallop sausage on brioche with pickled ginger & cilantro vinaigrette, topped with radish & jicama. He's pleased that it looks "sophisticated."
Casey: beef carpaccio wrapped around watercress & fried caper with lemon aioli, served with shiitake broth in still more Chinese soup spoons. The hot-shot designer proclaims it his favorite. Dana calls it "an incredibly ambitious little thing." Or maybe she calls Casey that.
Howie: asparagus & prosciutto phyllo "cigars" with Parmesan cheese. Chef Michael complains that it's "ugly" and "greasy."

Up top, a couple of guests have heard rumors of chocolate mousse and they want some now. In the galley, Casey blends something chocolate while Sara says reassuring things. Casey explains that they bought packaged chocolate mousse, which they tried to stretch with whipped cream, but the mousse deflated. They try to re-aerate the mousse, but it's still pudding-like. Everyone tastes and concurs that the dish is just not happening, so they dump it. Casey hopes her carpaccio will shield her from any failed mousse fallout. The chefs emerge for applause and champagne and it's back to shore.

Judges' Table. In the pantry, Howie insists that everyone made good-tasting food. Yes, but what about good-looking? Brian agrees, he got compliments on everything. Meanwhile, Chef Michael found the food mostly uninspired. Dana observes that everything was served on some form of bread. (Not everything, but close.) Chef Tom asks for the good parts, and Chef Michael mentions Casey. Dana nominates CJ's seafood sausage -- tasty and "pretty." Padma pans Dale's yogurt texture and Dana thinks it lacked flavor. Chef Tom doesn't think "cigars" is an appetizing word. Dana thinks his mushroom tarts "tasted like mud." Chef Tom is not happy with Brian for letting bad food get served. See?

The chefs report for interrogation. Padma asks Brian for his assessment. He thinks they had a nice variety. Chef Tom asks about the ditched dessert. Brian reports that the group decided "it didn't meet our expectations." Next, Chef Tom wants to know if they talked about the wisdom of doing two dishes instead of one. Brian says it was discussed, and the people who chose two dishes "thought they could handle it." Well, of course they did. Padma points out that Brian, as executive chef, would have to approve of what was served. Brian argues that he was "executive chef" since the team members are his peers; he was the "leader." Chef Tom thinks he's "splitting hairs." I know how to split hairs, and Brian's not making that fine of a distinction. But yes, he is doding responsibility. If he's just there to coordinate, he can't be blamed for failure, but neither can he claim credit for leading the team to victory. I don't think Brian worked that out. Chef Tom thinks leadership requires "hard decisions." Since Brian "obviously" thought two dishes was a bad idea, why didn't he insist on everyone doing one? Brian has no answer. Perhaps he doesn't want to argue that he was okay with the two-dish thing.

Chef Tom asks Sara why she limited herself to one dish, and Sara corrects him that she did two, one being a dish that wasn't served. Chef Tom verifies that it was the dish she made with Casey, and asks the whole two-versus-one thing again. Sara again goes to the "variety" argument. Except seven different appetizers is a decent variety for 60 people, I think. Dana doesn't find the variety argument compelling when "80 percent were served on bread." Brian brings up the short shopping time. Yes, but what about the long planning time? Chef Michael was missing the color and presentation.

Chef Tom turns to Hung and asks how long he's been cooking, his point being that Hung's dish was as old as his culinary career. Hung readily agrees -- it's a "classic" that's 300 years old. Dana wonders if he considered an update. Hung blusters that everything has been done and everything they served is old. So, there's nothing left for today's diners but ordinary food? I don't think so. Chef Tom asks if he has a better appetizer recipe and Hung scoffs, "Of course I do, Chef." Chef Tom thanks him for making his point. Why aren't they serving their best dishes at this point in the competition? Well, I suspect budget has something to do with it. But I agree, ordinary is not going to cut it at this level.

Padma asks Howie what he thought of his dishes, and he thinks they both "went over well" so he was "pretty happy." Chef Tom points out the "fabulous" criterion; did Howie think his mushroom tart was fabulous? Howie is forced to admit that it was not. Chef Michael brings up his whole "I'm not going to serve anything I'm not proud of" stance in the QuickFire challenge, and here he is serving "crap." Chef Tom questions his decision to spread his money over two dishes, and Howie explains he wanted to make up for the QuickFire. Chef Tom wants to talk about the asparagus dish and Howie challenges him, "What was wrong with the cigar? I got compliments on both those dishes from the guests." Yes, but I suspect at some level, they were just happy to have food. Dana thinks that a dish like that would usually use "plump" asparagus. Howie says he just got what he saw at the store.

Padma asks Dale about his yogurt dish, and Dale explains that he saw yogurt as a "healthier" approach. Padma complains about the texture. Dale relates the whole "I was going to use goat cheese but I sacrificed it" story; instead, he got the chicken that he and Hung prepared. Chef Tom obviously doesn't think this was a good trade. Dale says they made a couple of mistakes and it mutated from the plan. Chef Tom cynically observes how everyone was all "Oh, yeah, everything was great" and then when you question things, everyone confesses to mistakes. Howie points to the budget. Chef Tom says Sara made a good dish on the same budget. He asks Casey and she good-do-bee's that she had enough for her dish and extra for her dessert with Sara. Chef Tom rewards her by complimenting her carpaccio dish. But then he puts the screws to everyone -- did they really think the duxelles and the chicken and the asparagus dishes were good? Everyone looks uncomfortable. "The silence is deafening," Chef Tom concludes.

Howie raises his hand, "Can I address the panel please?" No! The other chefs agree with me, making "Oh, God, no" faces. But Padma lets him speak. Howie observes that competition and teamwork don't go together when only one person can win, something he has always understood. But, he says, "I'm trying to see past that now for the first time in the past few weeks." I'm confused. How do you "see past" something you consider a fact? "Well, this teamwork thing is just nuts, but I'm going to ignore reality for a while" -- how does anyone think like that? Basically, Howie is admitting that he thought wrong. Anyway, he'd rather leave than see Brian get the boot, so he wants to withdraw. Various squizzly faces in reaction. Finally Padma declares, "It's a judges' decision, Howie." No falling on your sword for you! So Howie tells them to decide. Chef Tom sends them away so they can do that.

Back in the pantry, Sara wonders about Howie's decision; he had said not long ago that he "still had a lot of fight" left. Howie agrees that he does, but he also has pride: "I will be in control of my own destiny." Well, then, you made a mistake signing up to be judged. Padma asks about favorites. Chef Tom nominates Casey's carpaccio. She seemed to get more bang per buck. Dana thinks she also got a lot of bang per minute. Padma mentions CJ's sausage, and the judges agree that it was colorful with good flavors. Padma also brings up Sara's bread pudding and Dana endorses it. At the other end of the spectrum, Chef Michael thinks both of Howie's entries were boring. Chef Tom is stunned that Dale sacrificed his goat cheese for the chicken. Dana agrees; the chicken was unnecessary. Also on Dana's naughty list is Hung's salmon on cucumber, which was "so bad!" Hung swears a lot as he gripes about having to defend his dish to the judges, and CJ interjects, "Hung, you did it because it was easy. You said that." Chef Tom rolls his eyes at Brian's poke, which is just another tartare, and his lack of leadership. Meanwhile, Brian is angry about the criticism of his role. Casey assures him, "You did a good job." He emphatically agrees.

All the chefs return. Chef Tom announces that three dishes met the challenge of being fabulous: Casey's carpaccio, CJ's sausage and Sara's bread pudding. And the winner is: Casey! She is happy with her first big win. She gets a 17" MacBook Pro. Say what? Where did that come from? Casey thinks maybe this is time to pull out all the stops to go for the win. Ya think?

The top three get to skedaddle. Casey wishes the rest luck and Sara gives Brian a kiss before leaving. Dale gets spanked for bad budget allocation, Hung for underachieving, Howie for being boring and Brian for ducking the responsibility. Howie gets the boot. Big surprise. Howie kind of admits that he made a mistake coming into the competition regarding everyone as an enemy, but cooking is "a team sport." Today was the first time he felt like they were a team. He insists again that he's a good cook. His fellow chefs all hug him farewell.

Right winner? Sara's bread pudding might have been a bit homey for a fabulous party; CJ and Casey probably had the most attractive dishes. So Casey is a reasonable choice. But I wish they could come up with something to replace the Chinese soup spoons, because I now hate the sight of them. And I have no idea why she's walking off with a computer. That's just odd.

Right loser? It was a race between Howie and Brian. It looks like Howie just gave up during the QuickFire challenge and, despite his talk of redeeming himself with two dishes, never really got back into the competition. I don't know why he wasn't allowed to withdraw. Cynthia left during Season 1 because her father was dying faster than expected; there's no way the producers could have insisted she stay. In Season 2, Otto resigned over the Great Lychee Fruit Incident, which involved a rules violation. Then Mia resigned to spare Elia, which is the same thing Howie tried to do. It seems quite possible that the producers decided not to allow that any more.

I do think Brian could have done a better job running the team, though. The big disconnect is that the chefs dealt with the challenge as a competition, while the judges considered it a catering job. All they cared about was the quality of the food. If you want to succeed with the judges, you have to concentrate your efforts on making the food as good as possible. Brian needed to exercise tighter control of the menu. Instead of letting everyone do what they wanted, he should have picked the best ideas and divvied them up. A lot of the appetizers were surprisingly ordinary. I think they panicked at difficulty of doing the job at all, and generally couldn't wrap their brains around doing it well. Given the budget, the requirement for "fabulous" food and the clientele, I think they should have loaded up on the fruits and vegetables -- colorful and low-calorie.

It's interesting that we finally saw not one but two decisions not to serve something. I think the "if the dish is bad, don't serve it" admonition is just another version of Tim Gunn's famous "Make it work." In both cases, what they're saying is, "Don't send out crap." Fix it before it goes down the runway, or fix it before it goes out on a plate. If you can't fix it, find something you can send out. Dead simple is better than bad. In the real world, Howie's decision to give up in the QuickFire would mean someone goes hungry. If the dish isn't working, cut up some bananas and find something to sprinkle on top. That's better than serving nothing, and much better than serving something distasteful. In the case of the deflated mousse, they were able to dump it because both chefs had already contributed dishes. Perhaps in the planning stage, they should have alloted a couple of backup dishes in case something went south; mistakes are a fact of life. Since Brian had the leadership thing going for him, he could have given up serious cooking in order to exercise some serious quality control -- kinda like an executive chef.

Nationwide

2007-09-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Previously on Design Star: The designers teamed up to redo Wayne Newton's guest house. Todd created a giant Lazy Susan in the living room. Robb stuffed appliances into the peninsula. Hosting segments. Robb's jerkish behavior was deemed worse than Will's stiffness on camera. Robb got the boot. A grateful nation rejoiced.

Will likes the final three even better than the final four. Kim has made breakfast, so the others join her. Todd is shirtless and wearing his giant furry hat, which is two acts of tastelessness too many for that hour of the morning. Later, when everyone is actually dressed, Clive arrives and has everyone pick a paint can. It's the real people challenge. They'll get 26 hours, $10,000 and a carpenter. We meet the clients:

The Deans are a poor family with one (adorable) child who could use a new living room. The couches are all ripped up and turning black from the coal dust Mr. Dean wears home from work. There's a lot of room, but not a lot of furniture. Mrs. Dean is a devoted watcher of HGTV who would like the opportunity to apply everything she has learned.
Bridget Moore has brittle-bone disease and generally gets around in a wheelchair. She has outgrown her child's bedroom and is looking for something more appropriate to a teen starting high school.
The Kelleys are married firefighters who like to spend their limited time together with their blended family watching movies. The family room also has lots of toys for the younger kids. They want something that works better.

The designers open their paint cans to see which state they'll be visiting, although the identity of the family there remains to be seen. Will is going to California, Todd is going to Indiana and Kim is going to West Virginia. Which kind of gives away her family, but we'll pretend we don't know anything about coal mining.

The designers pack. Todd observes that this is the time to go for it. Unlike all those other challenges, where it didn't matter how you did, I suppose. The designers wish each other luck and depart. Todd observes that they have to be prepared for all three clients, since it's a mystery which ones they have. Will knows that there's a limit to what they can prepare without talking to the clients. Kim is working out designs for all three families.

Kim drives out into the West Virginia boonies. Todd thinks this is a very real-world challenge. Yes, designing for real people is pretty real. Will is happy to have the chance to "change someone's life." Kim really wants to win. The designers all knock on doors.

In Indiana, Todd meets up with the firefighting Kelleys. In California, Will and Bridget are both excited to meet each other. That leaves Kim with the Dean family in West Virginia. Surprise! She tells them she was hoping she would get them. She tells us that she can relate to their situation. Todd meets the rest of the Kelleys. He feels honored to be able to do something for everyday heroes.

Bridget shows off her big room. The Kelleys explain their complicated schedule; they just want an inviting room that everyone will want to spend time in. Will asks Bridget to tell him about her illness so he understands what she needs. Her mom chips in that it shouldn't look hospital-like, but Bridget has certain requirements. She needs the space to get around with her wheelchair or walker, and the floor needs to stay wood for the wheelchair. Will is impressed with people who don't let themselves be defeated by obstacles, especially at such a young age.

The Deans want to keep their big room nice and open, and they have to keep the woodstove because that's their heat source. Kim reports out that she has a lot to supply, since the floor is particleboard and the trim is missing in places. But as long as it's not a kitchen, she's good. Kim points out a ceiling beam, and determines that it's staying. The Deans want a rustic, log cabin look. They don't like bright colors, so Kim quickly settles on some nice earth tones. She interviews that although the dining room wasn't part of the challenge, it's visible from the living room, so she's going to redo that room, too.

Bridget's mom explains that she stays in bed while recovering from a bad fracture, so the room should be like a studio apartment. Bridget likes that idea. She also likes neutral rooms with splashes of color, and picks out a light cream color that's not as "harsh" as true white. Will enthuses that this is just the kind of clean, modern design he does. He's relieved that she has some definite ideas about what she likes.

Todd asks about how the Kelleys use the room and basically, it's your typical family room. He figures they want to have lots of toys out but make it easy to put things away. The corner wet bar and stucco finish could go. The Kelleys like color. Todd wants to ditch the ceiling beam if it isn't structural because it divides the room.

The families all skedaddle so the designers can get to work. Kim thinks it will be tough, but at this point, the challenge should be tough. She gets to incorporate a shingled outcropping over the opening to the kitchen, but that will just be part of her overall rustic room. The woodsy theme does not include the diagonal wood paneling, however. Clive choppers off to West Virginia to "drop in" on Kim. She shows him around a bit and then he officially starts the time clock ticking.

Todd thinks his room practically designs itself, since it's all about the functionality. He meets his carpenter, Mark. Kim is working with Jimmy and Will has John on his team. Will is planning "hotel-like amenities" for Bridget's room. He goes over the paint plan with John. Todd goes over things with Mark. He wants to get rid of the beam so he can put in a digital projector that displays onto the "heerth." I get the feeling he's not too accustomed to fireplaces. Mark advises a careful approach to the beam examination. Kim reviews everything with Jimmy. Mark pulls some sheathing off the beam and it turns out to be structural, as in it's holding up the house. Todd's bummed to be "limited" right off the bat.

Kim heads out to shop, but not before flattering Jimmy into clearing out the room. Mark goes over his projects. Will gives John a list of stuff to do while he's out shopping. For him, the room is about the space plan and the function. Todd picks up a lot of lumber, because that's what he does. He's going to have a kid's area for toys, and a game console for the big kids. Kim asks the saleswomen for help; she needs carpet installed the next day. She goes for a darker option to hide mud, although it still looks pretty pale to me -- sort of putty-colored. With an hour remaining, she returns to find out Jimmy has been busy. He keeps working on his woodbox project while Kim paints. Will returns with 30 minutes left to find his carpenter gone, but the work all done. Guess someone wasn't all that eager to be on camera. Todd finds a lot of work in progress. The fake-Tudor wall beams are down, but sanding down the stucco finish is going slowly. Everyone winds up their first day. Todd pouts about all the plans he won't be able to implement because the house isn't cooperating.

Day 2. It's pouring rain in West Virginia and Indiana, but California is dry. Will and John determine their first tasks of the day. Kim gets Jimmy started on some painting. Todd has had to revise some plans. They'll mud the walls instead of sanding. Kim gets started painting her own wall. Once the carpet people arrive and get started, she'll go shopping. John wonders if Will wants two coats of paint. Ideally, yes, but the time constraints don't allow for it. Todd gets extra drywall mud, just to be safe.

Kim's carpet arrives during a lull in the rain. Todd is all done with shopping. Kim is just starting. She observes that shopping in a rural area is different than shopping in a city -- everything is spread out. Will paints the walls, but not all the way up to the ceiling. He explains that he wants to shorten the room for Bridget, since she's sitting down in a wheelchair. Todd builds shelving units to go next to the fireplace; he shows how the different elements line up. It must be cold, because he still has his shirt on. Clive choppers in to tell him he's halfway through the project clock. Todd reviews the big plan. "You're building a Toddplex," Clive summarizes.

Kim buys furniture. She's very nice with the sales staff. Will creates some artwork for the walls. He explains that he does this if he can't find what he wants or the price is wrong. The rain is back in Indiana, so it's taking longer for the drywall mud to dry. It's also raining again in West Virginia. The yard is all mud, so now the new carpet has mud tracked on it. Kim hopes the others are muddy, too. No such luck in California, at least. Will is feeling good about his progress. With 30 minutes left in the day Mark starts painting. Todd thinks the red paint is actually pretty orange and he wonders how it can dry dark enough. That's why red takes multiple coats. I'm not sure how you can know enough about design to get on TV and not know that about red paint. Painting and staining happens in Kim's room. Time winds down and designers send carpenters home for the night. Todd gripes that he wasn't able to finish painting, so he still has that to do on the last day, and the whole project has been "brutal."

Day 3. Will lists his remaining projects, which are mostly staging. Meanwhile, Todd has to paint, hang the flat screen TV and the curtains, and load in all the furniture. Kim also has a lot to do. Todd got some darker red paint. Kim has to assemble furniture; she puts the wrong legs on the coffee table. "I'm having some second thoughts about whether this is really fun," she grumps. But with a twinkle. Time ticks. Todd brings in furniture. Kim discovers that West Virginia mud has "magical" properties -- when it dries, it turns into flakes and can be swept away. Designers install their final touches. Clive sneaks into Will's room and blows an air horn, nearly scaring him out of his shoes. He laughs and greets Clive with delight anyway. Todd and Mark congratulate themselves. Kim warmly thanks Jimmy. Clive sends Will off to the judges.

Everybody wants to win. Good to know.

The Studio. The final judging panel. Yay, no more purple walls! Monitors. Judges. Challenge recap. Will goes first. He explains that Bridget wanted something that wasn't little girl. Time for the reveal. Bridget is already squealing with excitement as she takes her hands from her eyes. Will talks about the repeated elements. Bridget is thrilled to discover a refrigerator. She's also excited to see her original bed, but updated. Will created a headboard against the side wall so she can lean against it to watch TV when she's confined to bed. There's a comfy sofa with a flannel covering that Bridget tries out. Will shows off the vanity and entertainment areas. Bridget's mom thinks it's a "very California" room; she's ready to hire Will for the rest of the house.

Cynthia calls the room "the coolest little bachelorette pad." Martha loves the colors but she wanted more personality. With a teen, I think it's more important to leave them space to inject their own personality, instead of doing it for them. Vern loves the room but thinks Will was nervous on camera. Martha thought he was forcing more energy into his performance. Will confesses that hosting is hard.

I love cool colors and wood floors, so this room is right up my alley. But I'm picky about color, so I think some of the fabrics are a bit off from the wall colors -- more earthy than bright. I don't have a terrific sense of the layout, but it does have that hotel-amenity thing that Will was going for. Overall, it's fresh and modern, and even though the room has a lot of low elements, it doesn't feel flat. And Bridget is obviously thrilled with it. So well done. Unfortunately, his hosting hasn't improved, but he's clearly very knowledgeable and competent.

Kim's next. She describes the situation with the double-wide up in the hills, and the request for a log cabin look. Now the reveal. The elder Deans are thrilled. (The little Dean is too little to have much of an opinion.) The living room is now a finished room with carpet over the particle board. The big living space is painted in shades of green while the dining room is tan. They have a big bench/wood storage unit by the front door and real curtains instead of droopy blinds. Lots of wood, including a new bar at the opening to the kitchen. Kim talks about drawing the colors from nature. There's lots of hugging.

Cynthia is feeling very sentimental. Vern likes her attention to her clients' wishes. Martha understands the issues of working in a remote area. Martha and Vern are concerned about some of the furniture angles, but Kim explained that a more squared approach felt "static." Vern is also not thrilled with the furniture arrangement overall. Cynthia likes the "rough-hewn" accessories. Vern brings up the dining room; Kim explains that she included it even though it wasn't part of the original room. Martha and Vern praise her hosting performance.

I like the colors and the wood, but the furniture feels sparse and oddly arranged. The TV only faces a single chair; the sofa is perpendicular to it. The whole center of the room is wide open. The seating area in front of the stove would feel more substantial with two chairs. The room looks only partly done. Her hosting skills, though, are pretty fully developed. I appreciate how she's able to show the same warmth to the people she works with; she really formed a great rapport with Jimmy.

Todd's turn. He mentions the large family and the movie watching. Reveal time. The family members all react to the room. Todd shows off a kid's corner with a wrap-around chalkboard and a hammock hung diagonally across the corner. There's also a corner-shaped bench/toy box. The walls are all red and orange. Joanie likes the kid corner. Todd shows off the gaming console and television, the mantel and bookshelves. He describes the loungers as the "most comfortable chairs I've ever found in my life." The Kelleys thank him for injecting some character into a dull room.

Cynthia likes the toy box for containing clutter. Vern likes his "sense of fun" but he's not thrilled with the furniture arrangement. Cynthia doesn't care for having all the furniture pointed toward the TV, so she doesn't mind. Yeah, but this is a room for watching TV, so I think it matters. Vern commends Todd for successfully seating all those people, though. Martha thinks his designs reflect his personality, or his on-camera personality reflects his playful design. Vern likes his energy.

I agree with Vern, the furniture placement is off. The largest portion of the sectional is perpendicular to the TV. The kids corner is a nice touch, but I'm not sure toddlers are really in need of a hammock. If you're too young to make your own breakfast, you're probably too young for unsupervised hammocking. The toy box doesn't look like it was constructed with child safety in mind, and I wonder if the shelving units are attached to the walls. I don't much care for the orange wall color; it's too similar to the red. While I like the idea of red, I'm not loving that color on the walls either. It's better on the TV wall, where it's broken up by all the shelving. And why paint the beam red when the ceiling is white? It just divides the space up more emphatically. The loungers are interesting, but they're big for a room that needs a lot of seating. As for his hosting, I still see self-congratulation. I don't get playfulness. He has energy, but not a sense of fun.

The designers go away while the judges confer. They start the agonizing. Martha thinks Will's(?) design is thoughtful, but perhaps "repetitive." Or "formulaic," if you're Cynthia. Vern prefers to think of it as a signature. Martha is concerned about the hosting. Will is confused by the feedback from the judges about his presentation skills. Vern doesn't see Kim improving design-wise, but she's very polished on the air. Vern is sure that the next winner doesn't need to have formal training. Kim and Todd would both be bummed to get cut after coming so close. Martha likes to watch Todd. Vern thinks the winner needs to have a perspective; he's concerned that Todd treats projects as art rather than design. The judges agonize some more.

The designers return. Vern addresses the contestants: he thinks they have all grown and have made the judges proud. Clive delivers measured praise and criticism. Will knows design and he really meets the client's needs, but his hosting needs work. Kim has good design and great presence, but her space planning needs improvement. Todd has a "dramatic" approach and good energy, but design also needs to be functional. Will gets the boot. No, not Will! He hugs the final two and thanks the judges for the opportunity. He doesn't seem too bummed about it. He wants to be a designer, and he doesn't have to be on TV for that. Plus meeting Bridget has made him a better designer and a better person, so he thanks her for that. See? Will can be great on camera. You just have to find someone who can draw it out of him.

Clive congratulates the final two. Kim is stunned. Todd isn't sure what he's feeling, except that "This is cool."

Well, hmph. They're looking for a design star, and they cut the guy with the strongest design skills. Todd has a point of view, but it's somewhat limited and tends to be impractical. Kim is doing better than I initially expected, but while she has kept up, she hasn't been outstanding. I'm sure I'm not the only person to notice that Kim's weaknesses are Will's strengths, and vice-versa. Put the two of them together, and you could have something. But unless Kim really biffs the final challenge, I'm voting for her. Todd is just too in love with his own greatness and he just doesn't connect with people the way Kim does. I think it would be easier to build a show around Kim than deal with Todd's limitations. Plus, I'm tired of Todd. If Kim does biff the final challenge, I'm starting a write-in campaign for Alice.

Thank You, Thank You Very Much

2007-09-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

Previously on Design Star: 11 contestants. Las Vegas. Happy judges. Sad judges. Presentations. Christina wasn't fun, so she got the boot. Everybody else had to implement Robb's tacky design for a wedding reception. Josh got the boot because -- well, just because.

Kim is flabbergasted to be in the final four. She's representing the females. Hmm, airtime. Does that mean she's going home? Clive arrives and has everyone stand behind a paint can. They'll pair up to do either a living room or a kitchen, with 24 hours, $10,000 and a carpenter. Because kitchens and living rooms take the same amount of time, money and effort to redo. Their client? "Mr. Las Vegas himself," Clive announces, "Wayne Newton." The designers all woo-hoo about working for a real celebrity. Todd is "intimidated" because a guy like Wayne Newton is sure to have "some solid design already in his house." The designers open their paint cans. Will and Todd are teamed for the living room; Kim and Robb are teamed for the kitchen. Kim manages not to scream in terror or resentment. But wait, there's more -- their hosting skills will be tested, too. Each one will present the finished room individually.

Newton estate. Horses, peacocks, nekkid statuary, fountains. Clive welcomes them and lets them into the house, which is -- um, ornate. Huge gilded fireplace mantle, statues, floral arrangements, that sort of thing. Will reveals he didn't want to mess with anything in case it breaks, so he was wondering what they actually have to do. The Newtons arrive and greet the designers. Clive asks them to talk about their style. Kathleen likes modern, Wayne is into antiques, preferably removed from European castles. Maybe they have garage sales. Wayne explains that they have agreed to divide the spacious living room and make part of it a kitchen. The designers are stunned. But then Wayne laughs. No, really, they're doing the guest house. Wayne claims they're "such fans of the show" that they didn't want to put any restraints on the designers. Which is certainly much nicer than explaining they're not letting a bunch of reality show hamsters muck around with their antiques.

Kim is still having trouble processing it all. The designers arrive at a house which appears to be built from cinderblocks (really not a bad choice in the desert). From the glass panel by the front door, it was probably built in the 1970s. The kitchen has a huge peninsula framed in lava rock and there's a big block of rock at one end of the wall of cabinets, sort of a 70s interpretation of a colonial hearth. The cabinets are pink. So is the oven stuffed into the rock wall. The mosaic tile counters are pink and brown. Kim understates that there was a lot to do. The living room is one long, empty room with a narrow end devoted to a stone fireplace matching the stone in the kitchen. The floors are all concrete, because desert houses have concrete slab foundations. (And during a heat wave, you have to water your house to keep it from cracking.) Todd loves the stone. Will suggests they get to measuring.

The Newtons arrive again and once again refuse to constrain the design. Except that they're already getting hardwood floors from one of the sponsors. Todd thinks some people have trouble handling a lack of input, but he's not one of those people. Kim lays out the good side/bad side of the ugly kitchen -- lots of work, but it's going to look so much better. Kim manages to get some input from the Newtons: they love the lava rock and they want something "warm." Robb promises they can get it done in time and then hams up dread for the camera. Play to the Newtons, pal -- real people come before cameras. Robb is feeling the pressure because "Master Todd" has the living room, so the room has to score big. Wayne kicks off the countdown and work begins. They have 8 hours left to the day.

Will suggests taking their colors from the lava rock. Todd has everyone get together on the palette so the house stays cohesive. Will wants to use a raised area as a dining room. Kim thinks they need a round table, and wonders if the others are doing a dining room. Robb relays that Will said they would. Robb plans stools at the counter. Todd is inspired to put furniture on a platform that pivots. Robb wants to swap the sink and the stove. Todd pitches Will that the pivoting furniture could face all four focal points in the room. Well, they have the fireplace on a narrow wall and sliding glass doors on a long wall. The dining room is opposite the fireplace, but I don't know that I'd call it a "focal point," and the long wall opposite the doors is blank. So it sounds like they're going to create four focal points in order to justify the platform. Todd claims his design will be "dynamic" and "fun." Will is looking like he needs more persuasion. Todd says he'll build it, but Will reminds him that they have a carpenter.

Speaking of carpenters, Jamie introduces himself to Kim and Robb, while Ramon meets Will and Todd. Robb and Todd start describing the projects to the carpenters. Kim wants to know where Robb will put the oven. Todd and Will realize that Ramon will just have to sit around until they get some shopping done. Yes, an empty room really doesn't leave much scope for demolition. Kim reveals that Robb assigned her the role of "note-taker" -- Robb starts measuring stuff while Kim writes down numbers -- rather than full-fledged partner. If they weren't "equal talents," she reasons, they wouldn't both still be in the race. She argues that the sink won't fit over the dishwasher, and Jamie backs her up. Robb interviews that Kim has no kitchen experience except for the one she didn't finish tiling. Although that had more to do with a lack of tile than a lack of talent. Nonetheless, Robb has done "many" kitchens. He tells Jamie that he's open to any ideas about the peninsula. Kim steps in, objecting that Jamie isn't "allowed" to give them ideas, and Robb should start talking to his partner instead.

Todd and Will head out. Will describes their plan to buy everything on the first day, so they don't have to go out again. He likes working with Todd because they can come to an agreement without fighting. Kim and Robb also shop. Kim explains that she "championed" their color scheme. She picks out some curtains while Robb looks disgusted. Robb interviews that Kim had "no idea what she was doing" and was stuck tagging along behind him at the home improvement store. Kim interviews that Robb has experience with kitchens, "God bless him" -- a handy Southern euphemism for "may he drop dead any second now" -- but he's not likewise appreciating what she can contribute. Robb figures if Kim had "half of a brain," she would just follow his orders. Unfortunately for him, Kim has more than half of a brain, and she's not afraid to use it. Will and Todd find a coffee table. It looks like the sofa and the dining table will have to wait for the next day. Kim says, "Every exchange with Robb is a combat situation." Robb asks her which pendant lights she likes, and she votes for the white ones. Robb gripes that the white ones are tired and overused; he installed some back in 2001. Kim doesn't care about all that, the white ones have the right look. Robb complains that he had to compromise with her in order to save time.

With 30 minutes left, the designers return to find the floors going in. Looking good. Robb wants to do something with the lighting now that the peninsula is all opened up, but Kim thinks other things are higher priority. Robb is disgusted some more. Kim describes how he was disgusted, and they discuss their communication styles. Robb tells her not to be "so sensitive" and Kim tells him not to "condescend." Fortunately, Clive calls time and makes them all go home.

Robb interviews that he got the "silent treatment" in the car. He makes faces like he's suffering while Kim looks out the window. So finally he asks if they're going to a funeral and Kim explains that his "communication style" "sucks." Robb thinks she's just saying that because his style is different. Yes, different and sucky. They start arguing. Meanwhile, Will and Todd discuss their project. Robb thinks Kim is too thin-skinned, but she thinks the way he talks to people is inappropriate. Robb then demonstrates his wonderful communication style by telling her that she would be lost without him because she has no clue. Kim isn't interested in all his much-vaunted experience, but Robb thinks that she should, and she's "lame" if she doesn't. "Do you think this is a popularity contest?" he sputters. Well, yeah. But it's also about not being a jerk.

Day 2. Kim is going to keep it "civil." Robb isn't going to carry a grudge; he's there to work. The designers have 14 hours in this workday. Will lists all the projects they need to complete. Clive drops in on the kitchen team to see what's up. Robb describes Jamie's framing and Kim talks about the countertops. Clive urges them not to disappoint "Mr. Las Vegas." Todd describes the spinning platform idea; they have a rug to show the platform size. Robb urgently describes everything that's going on, and it's "paramount" to him to get it all done for Mr. Las Vegas.

The carpenters arrive and get their assignments. Robb and Kim have to pick out backsplash tile. Todd is shirtless and building, as usual. He drills a hole into the concrete subfloor for the pivot point of the rotating platform. Robb and Kim return to find framing done in the lava rock block; they're happy. Kim heads back out for more shopping. She likes the division of labor that puts her far away from Robb. Will is also shopping. The sofa he found is "okay" but he doesn't want to spend more time searching. With 4 hours to the day, Kim is back; they now have everything. Todd and Ramon lower the platform onto its pivot. Looks heavy. Todd stands on the platform and does his usual "I am a golden god!" pose. Will returns. Robb starts tiling the backsplash. Todd is not thrilled with the sofa, but Will brings up the time issue.

Time ticks. Kim: "Robb characterizes himself as this incredible builder with years of experience, and -- the measurements are wrong, the countertop is too low, the appliances didn't fit." Why, hello, Karma, how've you been? Jamie the carpenter saves the day by raising the whole countertop. Standard counter height in kitchens is 36 inches; it would be nice to know where they wound up. End-of-day rushing about. Clive calls time. They have only 2 hours to finish up on the last day.

Day 3. The designers start loading in all the furniture. Todd likes how the wall color repeats in the chair upholstery. Robb hurriedly grouts the tile backsplash, explaining that time is a "luxury." Will calls the halfway point. Kim thinks they're going to have to skip a buch of details. Will and Todd argue about the placement of a chair. Robb gripes that his paintbrush is dry; Kim says it was "under plastic." Robb gripes that she's giving him "attitude." Todd wants to know if a frame is level, but Will can't see around his shoulders. Robb gripes about his paintbrush some more. Will and Todd load up a planter box. Kim calls the five minute mark as she climbs up to hang blinds. Robb thinks they'll only have time to hang one blind, so she climbs down again. Cleaning happens. Kim wonders if they can get the refrigerator in, but Robb thinks they're out of time. Perhaps he'll use a minute to paint of that unfinished spot on the wall behind him. Clive calls time and we're done. Oh, wait, we're not. They have to do their hosting bits.

The Studio. Monitors. Judges. Challenge recap. Todd and Will get to go first. The living room is really long and narrow, but it seems that the only furniture has been clumped onto the rotating platform. No, wait, Will won the chair argument, so there's one in the corner by the dining area. Martha likes the "turntable" but Vern calls it a "giant Lazy Susan." Cynthia goes for "inventive" but asks about the platform height. Todd explains that it's because of the height of the casters. Vern appreciates Todd's willingness to do more than decorate. Martha asks about Will's contributions and he has a whole list. Martha thinks the transformation is "amazing."

Now time to see their hosting segments. Will goes first. He goes all through the room, pointing out elements. He has a lot of information but he doesn't talk too fast or feel rushed. Vern loved all the information but wants more "intonation" from his voice. Martha agrees. Todd's turn. He spends most of his time dealing with the rotating platform; it's got a lot of awkward "acting out" and he doesn't look into the camera a lot of the time. Martha likes it. Cynthia was hoping for a "full-throttle." Vern wanted more information.

And finally, the client reaction. They're wowed. Kathleen likes the "peaceful" quality but she's "not sure" about the platform. Wayne is sure about the platform -- he loves it. But, as he points out, he's used to them. He calls it phenomenal. Clive has them sit down and he rotates the platform for them. Wayne tells Kathleen if she can't find him, he's hanging out on the rotating platform. So it looks like the client is hapy.

Now for the kitchen. Big transformation from the raw space, of course. Happily, the pink is gone. The peninsula has been reconfigured. The cooktop used to be next to the wall, with a double sink at the free end. Now there's a bar-sized sink next to the wall and the cooktop in the free end. The oven is under the sink with the dishwasher next to it. The green glass tile on the backsplash looks uneven and has black grout. The refrigerator is still out on the lawn. Vern points out that the kitchen was "a much harder space" than the living room. He likes some of the elements, but wants more accessories. Martha thinks the black-and-white dining set stands out against all the warm colors; Kim explains that the table has a metal base with a "tempered" top (presumably tempered glass). Martha asks about teamwork. Kim pauses to consider her approach. Robb interjects that they had "moments." Kim finally says Robb's style of communication was "combative." Robb points out that just last week, she was praising his management style. Kim says she still does, but this time out, they were a team so Robb wasn't her manager. Robb argues that his "knowledge and expertise" are responsible for the project reaching the "level" it did. Yeah, we'll get back to that. Kim claims he called her a decorator while pronouncing himself the real designer. Robb tells the judges she doesn't have any design experience. Cynthia is icked out by all the unpleasantness. Vern thinks Robb is a good designer, but you can't treat people badly and then expect them to help you put together a great show. Cynthia says a host has to be "authentic." Martha chimes in with "likeable." Robb is slightly shaking his head like he can't believe what he's hearing.

Hosting segments. Robb first. He hams it up. Martha grants he has a "big personality." Cynthia found it "entertaining" but can't get the recent unpleasantess out of her head. Kim's turn. She is energetic, but not so hammy, and more informative. Martha approves of her hosting ability. Vern thought she provided a lot of information without "lecturing."

The Newtons see the new kitchen and are amazed. Wayne likes the wine chillers in the lava rock block. Kathleen likes the colors, especially as they flow with the living room. Wayne also gives the team props for dealing with a more difficult room.

The designers go wait in the green room. Vern thinks Robb has "a lot of passion" but he needs to get along. Kim thinks something was "embarrassing" while Robb says she made them "both look bad." Cynthia approves of how Kim handled herself. Vern likes her on TV. As for Todd, Vern likes how he thinks. Cynthia uses "novelty" to describe both the man and his work, but not in a dismissive way. Martha wanted to see more "energy" from Will. Vern likes his content and his "genuine personality." The judges agonize.

The designers return. Kim and Todd are called forth. Kim was the best host. Todd had a "fresh and unique" perspective. They both get to wait in the green room. Will and Robb are left. Robb had "a great presentation" but bad teamwork. Will had good design but was missing "presence and energy" in his presentation. Robb gets the boot. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! His parting words? "I have fought my way all the way through this competition." Yes, that would be the problem. He's quite sure the judges made "the wrong decision," those "fools." Will lives to see another day. The final three celebrate their survival.

Right decision? This decision falls into the category of right decisions known as "high time." I have been waiting for this since week one, when Robb bullied Organic Josh into the harem pillows. I'm so happy not to have him on my screen. (Although it's quite possible he'll get dragged back to "help" the final two. But I'll worry about that when the time comes.) But the decision was not only welcome, but well-deserved. Robb claimed kitchen expertise, but he screwed up the functionality, and kitchens are all about function. There was nothing wrong with the original placement of the sink, but Robb moved it smack up against the wall, plus he replaced a double sink with a shallow, single-bowl bar sink. Good luck washing your pots in that. I haven't done any hands-on remodeling, but I read magazines and books for years before getting the kitchen redone, and I am quite sure the National Kitchen and Bath Association would not approve. Then he smushed the dishwasher and the oven right next to each other under the peninsula counter. Not pretty. A stainless steel wall oven would have blended into the lava rock surround and spared the peninsula from overcrowding. Plus his tiling on the backsplash looked uneven, and the black grout was grim. And then there's his personality. I'm not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV, but I would guess that Robb is a narcissist. It's not just that it's all about Robb. The problem is that he doesn't see other people as full-fledged human being with lives and interests of their own. Everyone else exists in order to provide him with what he wants, and he gets nasty when they don't perform their appointed function. Narcissists can be quite charming, at least initially, as long as they get what they want. Since Robb was getting what he wanted during the audition process, I can see how his less attractive qualities were missed.

Clearly, though, Will was the weakest in terms of presentation style. I think Robb had too much energy and was putting on an act, but that's a matter of taste. Will hasn't yet gotten the knack of projecting his personality. But I don't think it's a boot-worthy flaw, because it's a lot easier to coach someone on presentation than to train someone not to be a jerk. Todd also needs to work on his presentation; the parts where he imitated someone else's reaction were stiff and unnatural. I think he simply lacks Kim's natural warmth and empathy. I'm glad he toned down his overgrown adolescent side, but that really seems to be his most authentic self. He doesn't seem to have much of the teacher in him, and a host has to be able to convey information. Perhaps he should pretend it's show-and-tell time.